Is being in a relationship synonymous with being happy? We’ll explore this and much more or this edition of Frank Relationships.
FRANK RELATIONSHIPS: I KNOW PRONOUNCE YOU SINGLE AND HAPPY
Guests: Mu Tariq, Sanjo Jendayi
Date: February 18, 2014
Frank: Is being in a relationship synonymous with being happy? We’ll explore this and much more or this edition of Frank Relationships.
Welcome to Frank Relationships where we provide a candid, fresh and frank look into relationships with goals of acceptance, respect and flexibility. I’m Frank Love and you can find me, my blog and my various social media incarnations at: franklove.com. You can also download the podcast of this and other archive shows on iTunes or your favorite podcast app.
I got to warn you guys, we’ll be using some adult language during this show, so if you got the kiddies around, do take action and govern yourself accordingly.
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Today’s guests are a unique team. Talk about the yin and the yang. They’ve got it down. They are the authors of the Amazon best selling, I Now Pronounce You Single and Happy. He comes out swinging with this hardcore book on love, sex, relationships and the single life with an underlyning message of healing, black love and she keeps readers mesmerized, challenged and inspired by her unique way of speaking directly into their soul. He is none other than Mu Tariq and she is spoken word artist and empowerment speaker, Sanjo Jendayi. Welcome to the show.
Mu Tariq: [What’s up] 03:20, Frank. Glad to be here.
Frank: Alright, why did the book get written in the first place?
Mu Tariq: Oh well, the book was inspired by a situation that happened to me in 2012-me and a young lady. After it was all over, I decided that I wanted to try to speak out on how we can better communicate with each other- men and women. Just bottom line, that’s what inspired the actual writing and drafting the book. I started out writing an introduction and then I looked at the introduction and said, I wanted to take this further, but I needed to find a way to do it, so everyone would be able to benefit from it.
Frank: Alright, well what happened?
Mu Tariq: What happened in 2012?
Mu Tariq: I was dealing with a young lady that suffered some serious insecurities, low self-esteem issues and the way it manifested-because we all have insecurities. It’s just the way it manifests. What happened was it became dangerous. She became a stalker and I ended up getting arrested because of her.
Frank: Now was this Sanjo?
Mu Tariq: No. It was definitely not.
Frank: Okay, I’m a stir it up. Okay, you got arrested and I assume you got out, so what was-
Mu Tariq: Yes I did.
Frank: Alright, what was the story? Did you end up running your car into her saying, “Please leave me alone?”
Mu Tariq: No, actually she was over here into my neighborhood at my house, causing a ruckus at my front door and the police were called. Somebody in my neighborhood called the police and once the police came, they took her word for whatever she told them and they came in here into my home and some things happened and they found a reason to lock me up. I got out, because they got nothing out of that situation and I was innocent, so I just had to go through the motions.
Sanjo, you have anything to say about why the book was written or how you came into the project?
Sanjo: Basically, everything that he said, except when he came to me, when he told me he was writing a book, I was encouraging him to write it. And later on after he had drafted the introduction he asked if I would actually co-author with him and I was excited, because the premise of the book is, we’ve all been through some good, bad and ugly relationships and I’m tired. I’m single, so I’m tired of the games that people play in relationships. I’m tired everyone, men saying one thing over here and women saying one thing other there, so my “yes” was to put it all on the table and cut out all the games, the lies and all of that and just put it on the table. To join him in writing this book was a great, great honor for me.
Frank: Now, what’s you all’s history? Have you ever dated, you friends from high school? What?
Mu Tariq: Long time friends. We’ve known each other since mid-90’s and we’ve just reconnected not too long ago on Facebook.
Frank: Okay, and why out of all of the Facebook friends that you have, why was she the one you reached out to and said, “Would you like to co-author?”
Mu Tariq: I saw what she had accomplished. She already had out four books published. From the conversations we used to have in the mid-90’s, I knew that I could talk to her and she could understand me and we could understand each other. We pretty much can finish each other’s sentences, just like we did back then and I thought that she would be the one that I would be able to accomplish this mission with.
Frank: Got you. Sanjo, what are those four books you have published already?
Sanjo: Black Butterfly, Soaring on the Wings of Poetry, which is my first book-a poetry book. Girl, Get Empty, which is a book to empower women to live their dreams and NyAshia’s Freedom Ride, which is this book for young girls, just taking them on a journey of their history and their culture as well as Showing Myself Esteem, which is a book I wrote. It’s an ebook that’s free on my website, to help teenagers into adulthood, women of course for the most part, to build their self-esteem and to know who they are.
Frank: And what’s your website?
Sanjo: My website is: sanjojendayi.com.
Frank: Got you and the book that we’re talking about, I Now Pronounce You Single and Happy, is that book written primarily for single women or single men? Or is it for everybody?
Mu Tariq: It is for everyone.
Sanjo: For everybody.
Mu Tariq: Committed relationship, married, single, looking for a relationship. It’s for everyone. Everyone can get something out of this book.
Frank: Alright, well give me a snippet. Talk to me about the book.
Mu Tariq: Especially a common sense approach. We have attempted to co-exist. Men and women and we’ve tempted to co-exist for years, decades and for some reason we just can’t get it right. And because we listen to others, society, what you’ve heard, what you may have seen, movies, to just try to find out the ways to approach a relationship and we decided that, let’s use some common sense, because usually, we’re finding out- and everyone doesn’t have common sense, but common sense can be referenced. Let’s try this approach, and let’s see what happens.
Frank: Alright, step one to the common sense approach is?
Sanjo: Honesty, honesty.
Sanjo: That is something that is becoming a lost art when it comes to male and female relationships.
Frank: And how does that look? And I ask that because there was a movie I was watching, it was something about a guy who could only tell the truth for a certain period of time. I don’t remember the name of the movie, do you all?
Mu Tariq: As I recall–
Sanjo: Eddie Murphy had a movie where he couldn’t-but go ahead.
Mu Tariq: He couldn’t speak.
Sanjo: Yeah, that’s right.
Mu Tariq: I can’t recall the name of it, but I remember the movie.
Frank: And he was only saying, surface truth, but if we walked around telling the truth all the time or being honest, the guys would be walking around saying, “Hey, you got a big ass” or “I would love to x, y, z you.” “Liar, Liar,” that what is.
Mu Tariq: “Liar, Liar” with Jim Carey.
Frank: Alright, so-
Mu Tariq: Jim Carey.
Frank: The guys would be walking around saying one thing the women would be walking around, “Hey, you’ve got big feet, I wonder if your penis is the same size.” Speaking the truth can go very deep. Where are you guys coming from when you’re talking about honesty? How deep is the honesty going?
Mu Tariq: We do want to date. Actually it’s when you are conversing with someone you are interested in. It’s not the wild kingdom. Guys do that anyway. They do do that. We do that. Women do that less than we do. We always cat call women, things like that, but it would be interesting. And it’s a way like I explained in the book. There is a way to do that. You don’t have to go hardcore, saying to women, “Hey, you’ve got a fat ass, let me smack it or something like that.” You could say, you have a nice shape or something like that, but its honesty so the woman would know where you’re actually coming from. What you’re actually looking at.
Me and Sanjo had a conversation the other day where she was saying she was speaking to a guy and his eyes were on his chest verses looking her in the eyes and she said, “I’m up here.” If you’re interested in someone in someone, I believe honesty from the beginning is the best policy.
Frank: Now, I want to add that I believe that if you have to censor it-if I’m talking to you and I what comes to my mind is, “You have some big breasts-” if I have to censure it and say something like, “You’re attractive,” that’s not being completely honest.
Sanjo: No it’s not and I would more appreciate, as a woman, I would appreciate and respect a man who would just come out and say it instead of diverting and going around the issue. Just say it. And either I’m going to say “yes” or “no” or I’m going to like it or not like it, but the bottom line is, if you’re open and honest, then we know where we’re going from the date. We know what we want from the gate and if sex is all that we’re both interested in-because women can look at a man and feel that sexual attraction and if that’s all she wants as well. So, if that’s all we’re interested in then let’s say that. And f I’m down for it and you’re down for it, let’s do that.
Mu Tariq: See Frank, men are concerned about what a woman thinks, so that’s what drives the man to say certain things and hold things back. He’s afraid of losing out on the deal.
Frank: Rejection, right.
Mu Tariq: Exactly, exactly.
Frank: Are you all saying or is maybe Sanjo’s saying or both of you saying, “Look you don’t have anything to worry about, some will reject, others will accept and the only way you’re going to know is if you put it out there?”
Mu Tariq: Yes.
Sanjo: Exactly, exactly.
Mu Tariq: Exactly.
Sanjo: Because it’s no point in-you really have the strong attraction to me, but you’re skirting around the issue and you want to take me out to eat and you just want to wine and dine me and you want to do all these things, but all its all boiling down to, is you want sex. And I might say, “Hey,” like in “Pretty Woman,” when she said, “You don’t have to do all of that, I’m easy.” I might be the one to say, “Yeah, okay. I want to have sex too, so let’s skip all of the rest of this and let’s just go straight to the sex.” And if anything was to come out of it, then it comes out of it.
I’m not saying that works for everyone, but like you said, some will accept and some will reject.
Frank: Isn’t it the case though, where many times the first thing men want is to have sex and then often the interest in a relationship comes after that.
Frank: If that’s the case, does the man maybe think that it’s the natural dance to take her out and he doesn’t really have a problem with that or if he just simply want sex first, he should just ask for sex first?
Mu Tariq: Yes.
Mu Tariq: A man of course, because it is what society has decided that is what you do to draw a woman in. If a man could say, call a woman and they haven’t even been on a date or anything and say, “Can you come over here and can we have sex,” that’s what a man would prefer.
Mu Tariq: Now, there are some situations a man would be like, “Okay I want to go to the movies, I want to see this movie,” and might call a young lady and say, “Will you want to accompany me to this movie,” but that’s just that movie. So, after the movie, “Do I have to take you home,” or something like that.
Mu Tariq: A man would prefer for that woman to come over to his house or to be invited to her house, because it’s the first thing that a man thinks about. We are visual and we are especially attracted to women.
Frank: Sanjo, you got any insight into what women generally want? We’ve been talking about men generally speaking.
Sanjo: Women generally want to feel special. We want to feel special. Let me go back to something that Mu just said when he said that men court, because that’s what society has told them. I kind of beg to differ, because I think men date, because that’s what society has taught them.
However, courting that’s a different process. Courting is with a purpose. When you decide to court a woman, that’s not your initial thing, because when you decide to court a woman, that means you’re going all out and your purpose is to win her completely, not just sex, not just conversation, but completely.
Dating, we date and we can date five to six people at a time and that’s not our overall goal. You understand what I’m saying? And for women, I think for us, most of us who want to feel special, we want to feel appreciated and we want to know that you are interested in us.
Now, if he comes to us and says he wants to have sex and that’s not where we are, we want someone to get into our head, then that’s different. We would tell him such and keep it moving.
However, I think the best part about the man to me is if he can mentally give you an orgasm. If he can give you a mental orgasm, the rest is easy.
Frank: And when you say, “get into your head,” what feels good about a man getting into your head and how does a man get into your head?
Sanjo: First of all, by getting to know who I am and what I like and what I don’t like. And when he gets into your head, I’m not saying that in reference to games, I’m saying really massaging your medulla, really getting in and saying that things, because he knows you, he knows how to correct you mentally and that’s something that a lot of men don’t do.
A lot of men they don’t know how to get there to that point where you are really giving her-it’s mental ejaculation and to where she’s willing to give you physical ejaculations.
Frank: Does that mean she’s smiling? Does that mean she’s thinking? What exactly does the mental ejaculation mean?
Sanjo: Oh, she’s definitely smiling. Once you tap into that, she’s definitely smiling, because she’s thankful that you, one, understand her. Two, she’s feeling you, because you’re actually taking the time to reach inside of her and get to know her better. The truth be told, we all have people that we may like to go out with, just because we have good conversation and so forth, but we’re not really interested in fucking them, basically. But then you have those that just want to fuck, because you really don’t have good conversation and they don’t understand you, but you have a sexual connection that is strong.
The one that really wins out over all, is the one who has that mental connection with, because sex is good, but sex don’t last. It’s not something that’s going to have a lasting effect where the relationship can be built just on that.
Frank: Okay. Anything you want to add, Tariq?
Mu Tariq: *(inaudible) 19:38 she summed it up. She summed it up.
Frank: Okay. What’s your background, Mu Tariq? What’s your background and then I want to hear yours?
Mu Tariq: Native of Washington, born and raised in D.C. I went to one of D.C.’s public high schools, graduated from UVC, University of District of Columbia, BA in Political Science. I’ve done multiple things. I had a real estate career. Now I’m at work for the D.C. government. I make decisions on unemployment claims.
My interest in writing-I’ve always aspired to be a writer. My mother actually is like Prince in “Purple Rain” theme where he found a whole bunch of written music and his father told them that he didn’t write. I had the same kind of scenario happen with me. My mother had wrote a couple of plays, she wrote a couple of articles on things and I see that this is writing and I feel like it’s genetic. My inspiration to do that came from her as well. That’s pretty much how I got interested in writing and doing something like this.
Frank: You know on a side note, I was having a conversation recently about “Purple Rain.” I was probably 12, 13 when the movie came out and the movie was all the rage. Folks thought that movie was incredible and if you look at that movie today, it is horrible.
Mu Tariq: Oh, Frank. If you picture that movie without the music, you wouldn’t be able to make it through it. I see what you’re saying. The music is what keeps the movie going.
Frank: I could not make it though any significant portion of that movie, watching it again today. I lost brain cells.
Mu Tariq: Yeah, people were so excited, because Prince was always been pretty much of a hermit.
Mu Tariq: Quiet, unless he was performing. People were just so excited to see him in a movie role.
Frank: And it did well: the movie, the album. The album is still incredible.
Mu Tariq: The album is awesome.
Mu Tariq: It’s timeless.
Frank: Okay. Alright, but I digress. Okay, Sanjo, what’s your history, sis?
Sanjo: I am a native Washingtonian as well and I graduated from the school of hard knocks. I’ve been though hell and high water to get to where I am today and as far as career-wise, I was a training coordinator for the department of Homeland Security for awhile. And I got sick, my health system turned and I ended up leaving the job and that brought me to writing full-time. This book is amazing, because this book is the first effort as a full-time writer and it became a bestseller. And amazingly enough, before Mu asked me to join him in writing this, I was about to give up writing, because I had been through so much and writing and doing this for so many years and when I got sick, it seemed that everything stopped.
Everything-sales. I couldn’t sell a book to save my life literally and I had this talk with God and said, ” I’m not going to continue to write. It’s not beneficial. I don’t even know if it’s helping other people,” and at that moment, it was amazing, because all I could hear was continue to write. To keep writing, the time will come.
So, I started working on what I thought would have been my fifth book and I couldn’t get past the fifth chapter. And at that fifth chapter, I kept saying, “Why can’t I write? Why can’t I write? Then, I started receiving emails and inboxes on Facebook or people posting, Girl Get Empty on Facebook and saying how much it has affected them and it had helped them and that was encouraging and then Mu came and said, “Co-write this book with me.”
I had no idea that this would turn into a bestseller and take us on a journey that it’s taking us. But had I stopped, had I quit, it wouldn’t have come to pass.
Frank: Tell me about the whole bestselling process. You can’t just put a book on Amazon and watch it go bestseller by itself.
Sanjo: Marketing, heavy, heavy marketing. We flooded all social media: Facebook, Pinterest, Linkedin, Google Circle, Instagram. We flooded. Beginning December 1st, we flooded the social media with marketing. Pictures, things. Before we even told them the name of the book, we used our acronym, INPYSH. We teased them. Basically, we did a romantic tease until they wanted it by the time we released that book on Amazon.
Frank: Got it. And now you mentioned your conversation with God. Does that have anything to do with your recurring dream?
Sanjo: Yeah, my recurring dream, I’ve had since I was a child and that dream would be that I was getting married. It was my wedding, I was getting married, but I never saw the groom’s face. I would awaken before seeing his face and I never could understand that. And as a child of course, I desired marriage, because that’s what society says, that’s the happy ending. That is the happy ending, so I desired marriage and I would dream this dream and even as an adult, I would dream this dream and it started to perfect me as an adult, because “Why am I not seeing the groom’s face,” until that one dream that I write about, I Now Pronounce You Single and Happy, where when I approached the front of the altar, I was face-to-face with a mirror and the mirror image was me. And they said, “I now pronounce you single and happy,” and that to me, sums up all those years of this recurring dream that I had to love me first. I had to get and fall in love with me and have a love affair with myself before I could ever get to that happy relationship. And I’m not going to say that may be marriage for me.
I don’t know, but I do know that the happy ending for me, I’m happy within me now. I’ve reached that and now anything that comes up outside of that makes me happier or happiest, but I control my happiness.
Frank: When I think about pronouncing someone single, I think about divorce. I don’t get the impression that’s just really just the side of being single that you’re talking about. I say that because when a person’s single before a relationship, there’s no real reason to pronounce them single. Everybody’s just single before a relationship, but I could see someone being pronounced single when a relationship is over. Is there anything you have to add to that? You got any thoughts on that?
Sanjo: Definitely, definitely. The reason for me-I’m sorry. The reason that it is, I now Pronounce You Single and Happy is really because of how society views singledom. Society views singledom as something that is like a disease that needs a cure and something is wrong with you if you’re single. Something’s wrong and I’ve had guys, when I’m out, they will come to me and they’ll say, “Have you ever been married?” No.
First thing they said, “Well, what’s wrong with you?” There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s everything that’s right with me that I’m not going to sit and settle for something that I don’t want or someone that I’m not going to be happy with. So, I Now Pronounce You Single and Happy, from that standpoint is that society looks at it this way, but we look at it this way. If you’re happy and you’re single, then I now pronounce you that, so that you can disregard what society has said and how they label singledom
Mu Tariq: And it’s the same Frank, if you have someone, they don’t want to hear if you have someone that’s been married and divorced and you ask them, “Were you married,” and that person says, “Yes, I was married,” and you say, “Oh, well what’s wrong with you? What’d you do?”
Frank: “What’s wrong with you?” Rght, right.
Mu Tariq: “What happened?” No one wants to hear that, so it’s the same situation?
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You’re listening to Frank Relationships. We’re talking with co-authors, Mu Tariq and Sanjo Jendayi, authors of I Now Pronounce You Single and Happy, a game changing book about love, relationships, sex and embracing the single life. Please, tell our listeners where they can find you and your book.
Sanjo: Our website is inpysh.com and that’s inpysh.com as well as Amazon. Our e-book is on Amazon. The physical books are on our website. We’re both on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook under our names, Mu Tariq and Sanjo Jendayi.
Frank: Now, you started us off with honesty, You got anything to follow that up with from the book?
Mu Tariq: It relieves stress. I believe if you create this person, it’s representative in the beginning, if you’re not honest, and you have to live up to that. It may take a lot to live up to that. It might cost you money, it may cause you to deceive, hide and you can’t be comfortable in the skin you’re in or doing what you’re doing and you have to always watch your back.
Stress is a disease. That’s the disease, not singledom. Like I told Sanjo, I don’t want to hear someone knock on my door. If I’m dating a young lady and I’m sitting here watching TV and I have lied to this young lady and I’m not letting her know that I deal with other women and I get a knock on that door, it’s like-you know how your stomach feels when you’re on a roller coaster? That’s the feeling. It’s a pet peeve of mind, so I’ve decided a long time ago not to have to live that way. It’s very stressful. It’s very stressful.
Frank: As a result, you basically put it all on the table.
Mu Tariq: Yes.
Frank: Do you date more than one woman at a time?
Mu Tariq: No, I just decided that I don’t want to do it, because I don’t have the energy for it anymore, to be honest with you. Like I said, it’s stressful. Even doing it current and being honest about it, it’s still stressful, because you have to make that-I don’t actually have the time-
Mu Tariq: To do that. So, no I’m not interested in dating more than one woman at a time.
Frank: Sanjo, how about you?
Sanjo: Let me say this. I think that honesty and when we say honesty, it’s not just the honesty between two people, it starts with being honest with yourself, because oftentimes we come into relationships and I say we, because I have had to deal with that with myself was, we come into relationships with this baggage. All of us have baggage, but we should not come into a relationship with seven piece luggage sets. We should be coming with a small little carry-all if anything at all and that makes it easier for that relationship. But you can only give to that carry all, if you actually sit and deal with and unpack that seven piece luggage.
Sanjo: So, being honest with yourself. And as far as dating, for me right now, I haven’t been dating, but if I go back out there and start dating, then yeah, I probably will date more than one at a time just so I can see if I really want this person or that person or what have you and I will be upfront and honest about it. It wouldn’t be anymore than two, but yes I would.
Frank: When you talk about honesty, I think that there are different levels of honesty. One is, a guy could be honest with himself or even a woman, you could be honest with yourself while lying. So, he could take the perspective that, “Hey, all I want to is have sex with her and I’m going to tell her whatever it is I think she needs to hear in order to have sex with me.” In that capacity he is lying or he will be lying, but at the same time, he’s being honest with himself in terms of what his motivations are.
Sanjo: He’s being honest with himself, but he’s lying to her.
Frank: Yeah, so, where do you want to weigh-in on that? When you said be honest with yourself first.
Sanjo: See, I went deeper in being honest with yourself-with being honest with all your short comings, being honest with what you bring to the table, being honest with who you are before you engage with someone else. Once you engage with someone else, now on that level there’s a thing such as lying by omission and I think that’s still lying. Be honest. Don’t lie by omission, don’t lie just to get what you want.
Case in point, a guy asked me out recently and he said he wanted to take me to dinner and drinks. I said, “Okay, dinner and drinks and then what?” And it takes men off guard, because I want to hear you say it. And so he’s like, “Dinner and drinks.”
Frank: Okay, but you want to hear him say it for what?
Sanjo: The reason being is, because if he’s saying that, “Okay, I want to take you for dinner and drinks and overall I’m attracted to your physical or I want to have sex,” or what have you, I want to hear it, because then I know where we’re going. If I decide this is what I want or this is not what I want or maybe as soon as he says it, I might get wet and say, “Shit, that’s what I want too.”
Frank: But, if you are asking him, “So, then what,” then it kind of goes without saying, that you expect that there’s a then what and that you know what that then what is. So, if you’re asking for an answer to a question you already know, isn’t that a form of being dishonest, because you already have the answer? You already know the answer.
Mu Tariq: Let me answer before Sanjo answers that. Let me, because I write about that, because women are the complex. They are very complex creatures. It’s a game. They’re not going to say it’s a game, but women like to play a game. They might not even consciously realize that they’re playing a game, but it’s a mental game. Some women like to hear and see a guy sweat and it’s just something that they do.
Frank: But she’s acting like she’s not doing anything.
Mu Tariq: Right, exactly.
Frank: So, that’s not honest?
Sanjo: I lost my focus. However, it’s really pulling him into being honest. It’s pushing him into being honest.
Mu Tariq: Right, right.
Sanjo: That’s what I’m doing. I’m pulling him into saying what is really on his mind, so that we can engage from there.
Frank: But are you telling him upfront that that is what you’re doing and if you’re not telling him upfront that that’s what you’re doing, then you’re being dishonest by omission as you just said.
Sanjo: Let me tell you how that conversation went. After he said that the second time, I said, “Dinner and then what?” All men are interested in sex first. I said, “There you have it.” I said, I just want to hear you say the truth. Now we can engage from here. I did tell him, it’s just that, I think that’s a lot of pressure to me, for a man or a woman who is coming into a situation and that’s pressure for you to have to keep up this facade, so to speak or tell me what I want to hear just to get sex. Take that pressure off. Take the pressure off. Let’s engage from the honest point from the start.
Mu Tariq: Frank, the flipside is that is a woman knows in five seconds or less, what she wants to do. She may want to have sex with this guy, but women don’t like rejection either.
Frank: Right and why is she waiting on him?
Mu Tariq: She might be engaging in conversation to see where he’s going to go with it, because she might want to jump his bones and she wants to make sure he’s on that same page.
Frank: So, Sanjo, why are you waiting on him to say what he wants instead of just saying what you want? And that’s a whole other level of honesty.
Sanjo: That’s a good point, but the thing is, I didn’t approach him. I wasn’t looking at him, he came to me and so that’s where that comes from. Now, if I gave him the eyes or whatever and we flirted before he came over, then yeah I’d be upfront and tell him, “Look man, you’re turning me on. I’m looking at you, you smell good, you’re this, you’re that,” but aside from that, he came to me and so he had the interest. I didn’t.
Frank: That’s not really true, because-
Sanjo: Yes, it is.
Frank: No, no, no, so if you dress up, if you are at home, you putting on your nice dress, you’re putting on your super pumps and you’re doing so with the intention of attracting the right guy-and I don’t know that’s necessarily what you’re doing, but if that’s what you’re doing and he approaches you, he didn’t really approach you. That’s not the complete story.
You attracted him and we do attract what we bring into our life. So, because he’s the one that walked over to you and initiated, “a conversation” that doesn’t mean that he was the beginning, that doesn’t mean that it started with him. It could very well have started with you back at home, setting your intentions with the way you got dressed and as soon as he walked over to you and no sooner than he parted his lips, you could say whatever it is you are really genuinely, honestly thinking. What you got to say, Sanjo?
Sanjo: Let me say this. First of all, I was speaking on that situation alone. Generally speaking, what you’re saying has some merit. However, I get dressed for me. I get dressed for me and yes, it may turn on another guy. I’m a flower and blossom, so and I’m full bloom, so that means I’m going to attract, period, because I’m full bloom and the attracting now generally speaking, if I got dressed and I put on my “freak ’em” dress, so to speak, yeah I know I’m going to attract a certain man or men are going to be attracted to me. It’s a difference. Generally speaking, I get dressed for me.
Mu Tariq: And see this is the beauty in our collaboration, Frank, because I don’t agree with that. I don’t believe when women say-
Mu Tariq: They do anything for them, because when they’re getting dress, they look in the mirror at their ass 100 times, okay, because they want to know-
Sanjo: I like my ass.
Mu Tariq: That their ass is looking right. And that centers around competition with other women and it centers around attracting men. That’s my belief.
Frank: Alright, okay.
Sanjo: So, are you saying when I put sweats on I’m setting out to attract men as well?
Mu Tariq: When you throw sweats on to go to the grocery store or something like that?
Sanjo: When I put them on to do anything. Yah.
Mu Tariq: You know Sanjo, I see when [you’re dressing,] 41:31 okay?
Frank: Tariq, tell me what do you think, from a male’s prospective, what do you think keeps a woman happy?
Mu Tariq: You mean S & A?
Frank: Alright, what in the world is that?
Mu Tariq: Good dick, food and attention.
Mu Tariq: That’s what keeps a woman happy, because at one point and time, it was finances. That kind of was the top of the game. Women have their own in this day and time. A lot of them are doing very well for themselves, so they can shop and buy whatever they want to buy on their own.
They can put groceries in their refrigerator, things like that. And it has always been the good dick, food and attention, but it was another element that had to come along that a man needed to provide. So, if you can give them good dick, food and attention on a regular basis, the attention that they need, especially that would keep a woman happy.
Frank: You agree, Sanjo?
Sanjo: Oh, most definitely, most definitely.
Frank: How does the food part work? What you got to do to give her food, because most men want to be fed.
Mu Tariq: Oh yes, but I’m telling you man, if you can cook, oh man that goes a very long way for yourself and for her. If you’re not a great cook, you can hire someone to come to the house and present a well-cooked dinner or you can just go out to a nice restaurant. If you can’t afford that, it doesn’t have to be a very expensive restaurant. You can find restaurants that have good service and good food for a medium price. If you can do it once a week or twice a week, that’s great. Women love food. It provides a happiness element.
Frank: Where’s the longevity in that, because he’s not going to be going out and hiring somebody to cook her a full course meal regularly or everyday. Tell me-
Sanjo: I think-
Frank: Go on.
Sanjo: I was going to say, I think the longevity is in the attention. One, because when a man adores a woman or vice versa-but when a man adores a woman, you take her heart and it’s like you’re gently caressing it every time you do anything that means something to her. And of course good dick in conjunction with that.
The food is almost like the third on the level for me, but when a man adores me and then he’s serving me right on all levels, all aspects that attention goes so much deeper than just the adoration. That’s the attention to details, that’s the missing skills, that’s where everything comes into play. That attention is much deeper than just attention. That is where the longevity lies for me.
Frank: And what do you want? When you’re talking about attention, give me the hallmark of the attention that you generally want.
Sanjo: For me, I’m a simple girl. I need someone that’s going to pay attention to details. Someone that may want to just listen to-I just wrote something and I want you to hear it. Someone who says-this is something that most women love to hear is, “You’re beautiful.” Someone who, you get dressed and they’re like, “Oh my God, you look absolutely gorgeous.” Those are the smaller things on those small levels, because for me it doesn’t take anything major or grand. One of the things that Mu said, is when a man can cook-when a man cooks a woman dinner and sets it up in such a way that its romantic in the house, he doesn’t have to spend a lot of money. He doesn’t have to do any of that.
A long walk in the park, “Let’s go get ice cream.” I’m simple. I like those simple things. I’m a romantic at heart, so those things are the attention for me. If you recorded my favorite TV show, because I was out, that means something to me. That’s something small, but it’s something major for me, because that shows you thought about me.
Frank: You got anything to add, Mu?
Mu Tariq: No, she summed it up again as well. It’s just that that attention is a big part of that. It’s because the other things can fade out, but you can keep that attention-it’s almost as if women want us to be able to read their mind, but if you know your woman-the languages, we speak on a love languages all the time. If you know what your woman desires and what makes her happy that the attention to that detail is awesome. It’s awesome.
Frank: Okay, controversial concept on submission. Who’s first? Who’s going to talk about submission?
Sanjo: Let me start, by talking about submission, because that is something definitely that is controversial and women hear it and cringe for the most part, some women and I think that some men have taken the fact that they are the head-they were meant to be the head so far that they become dictators. Women don’t have a problem-real women do not have a problem submitting to a strong man.
However, if you’re a dictator-great leaders are not dictators. Great leaders get in the trenches with their folks and they lead in such a way that their followers feel like so comfortable in following. And that’s how a great head of household will lead in such a way that the woman will want to follow effortlessly. Effortlessly.
She won’t question it. She will want to follow, because man and woman together, man and woman together in their respective roles, a woman is a helpmate, a man is a leader. In their respective roles, now don’t get it twisted, a woman can still be a leader, but she leads differently in that relationship. Because one of the things I say in the book is we can really get men to do anything we want.
Frank: I agree.
Sanjo: It’s how we go about it and some women don’t understand that. They go the loud braggadocios or really demanding, controlling way and think that is going to get it done. I told him to do it this way. That’s not how we get it done.
There’s strength in being soft. There’s strength in going about things in a quieter way and the right man, when you address that with a man, when you go to a man with that strength, that silent strength, oh my God, you can get him to do whatever it is that you want and vice versa. He can get us to do whatever it is that he needs done as long as he leading as a leader and head of the household instead of as a dictator.
Mu Tariq: And also on the other end of that, a strong leader knows his strength and his weaknesses and knows when to be submissive. A man should be submissive as well in situations. If you call and you’re trying to get a discount, you call a company and you’re trying to get a discount, I’m not good at that, something like that. But a woman will get on the phone and work her magic with that retailer or something. Things like that. You have know what you’re good at and know, “I can let my partner do this, because she’s better and well versed in this situation.” If you know your strengths and weaknesses, it makes a big difference.
Frank: Do you think that men are meant to be the leaders-the head, Mu?
Mu Tariq: I believe we have certain responsibilities just because of our build. We have to be kind of handy. I believe a man, if you didn’t grow up with that, I think you are to teach yourself somehow, just because of our physical strength. Throughout history and our African ancestors, we were the hunters to go out to do what we had to do to take care of our family. That’s were that comes from. Yes, we do have a responsibility to be the leaders in that aspect.
Frank: In the book you have a chapter called, Bitch.
Mu Tariq: Yes.
Frank: Sanjo, were you a little apprehensive about this chapter?
Sanjo: Yes, sir.
Sanjo: Yes, sir.
Frank: I guess that means Tariq initiated it and I’m listening all the way around to what you both thought about it.
Mu Tariq: You want to start, Sanjo?
Sanjo: Yes. When Mu first said to me, he wanted to have a chapter called Bitch, I gave him the death look and it was like, “What do you mean, Bitch? I’m no body’s bitch,” and I’ve never been the type of female that walked around saying I’m a bad bitch or any of that. No, I’ve never been that type. Don’t call me that name.
However, as he began to explain this chapter to me, what he wanted to convey, then it made me think about, “Do I have a bitch in me?” Of course I do and, “Does she come out periodically?” Of course she does. “Is she necessary?” Yes, so I began to dig deeper and so what this really is, what that meaning and connotation that it has in society, as well as for me, how it resonates for me and that’s how the chapter got.
I didn’t expect it to be as long as it was, but it got that way, because we dug deeper into it and also the fact that men have become the new bitches. There are so many men that just have bitchassness written across their forehead, so that needed to be addressed, because we as women also have a responsibility in that area.
Frank: There’s a song that-I mean this song is maybe 25 years old with Ice Tea, he says, “Ladies we’re not just talking about you, because some of y’all men is bitches too.”
Mu Tariq: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.
Sanjo: Yes. Think about that. He said it 25 years ago.
Frank: Oh, yeah.
Mu Tariq: Look at that. Look at that.
Sanjo: It’s on another level today.
Mu Tariq: Yes, yes.
Frank: Yeah, well alright, alright. Tariq, you chiming in here?
Mu Tariq: On the Bitch chapter, it pretty much speaks for itself. I’m going against the men that have decided to take the bitch role. What I mean by the bitch role is allowing a woman to take care of him, allowing a woman to dictate what he’s going to do and how he’s going to do it.
Basically, the roles have been reversed and when I say “dictate,” I don’t mean just telling somebody what to do. I just mean controlling everything: the finances, how you dress, allowing a woman to buy the groceries and do all the things that-take the trash out. Things you know are commonly done by a man. The gossip and the talking, sitting around talking about a woman, what you’re doing with a woman, how this is going down and things like that. It’s just too much feminine traits within men nowadays.
Frank: When you say gossip, like I sit and talk about relationship dynamics. When I’m talking to my buddies, we may discuss something that’s going on that we trying to work through. Is that gossip?
Mu Tariq: No, no.
Mu Tariq: When I’m talking about gossip, is talking about other men. It’s what you call hating. It’s what you call hating.
Frank: Got it.
Mu Tariq: Hating on another guy, throwing salt on this guy to get to a woman and actually going to a woman and putting another man down-
Frank: Oh alright, alright.
Mu Tariq: To get to that woman and I believe the women have the power to check that at the door. Let the Mandy: know, “Why are you coming to me with this type of information about this guy? Do you even know this guy?” And some of these guys are so-called friends and I believe a woman should look at the man in his eyes and say, “You know, you’re a bitch.” It will stop. It will stop, but-
Mu Tariq: Like I say in the book, some women, Frank are so nosy that they want to get as much info as they can out of this guy and still won’t respect him.
Frank: Backstabbing is a bit universal. I mean, women do it. Women do it too.
Mu Tariq: All the time.
Mu Tariq: But they’ve been doing it. It’s unacceptable. I believe it’s unacceptable for men.
Mu Tariq: We’re used to women doing that.
Sanjo: Let me say this, Frank. What you said about having relationship conversations with men, I really applaud that. I think it’s needed, because one of the things that I say in the book is that, women, we have outlets. We have so many outlets and women get together and we discuss what’s going on, we cry with each other and we go through the motions with each other, whereas men don’t seem to have that many outlets emotionally. So, to see where men get together and they’re discussing relationships and discussing the dynamics of male and females, that’s a wonderful thing.
Mu Tariq: Our barbershop talk. We’ve done for years. We call it barbershop talk.
Frank: Okay. You’ve been listening to Frank Relationships and we’ve been talking with co-authors, Mu Tariq and Sanjo Jendayi, authors of I Now Pronounce You Single and Happy, a game-changing book about love, relationships, sex and embracing the single life. One more time please tell our listeners where they can find you and the book.
Sanjo: The book is on Amazon.com for the e-book and the physical hard copy or paperback is available on our website: inpysh.com.
Frank: Any parting words, take-home messages from either one of you?
Sanjo: I would say two things. In the book I speak about the sophrosyne, finding my state of sophrosyne, which is actually a Greek word and it was a Greek Goddess of moderation of temperance, self control and the people’s awareness of one’s true self, which results into happiness. And I think that all of us should be looking for our state of sophrosyne to be happy with ourselves before we can go out here and engage in other relationships. Fall in love with yourself. Know what you like and dislike and know what you want and don’t want, so that it makes it that much easier when you’re conversing with the opposite sex.
The second thing I would say is for men-a tip. It is, we know that we can have sex and a man can penetrate a woman, but I think it takes the relationship to an entirely different level when a man can actually make your pussy come without the physical penetration.
Sanjo: That is a wonderful thing.
Mu Tariq: I just want to let the fellows know, let’s get back to a point where we are being held accountable for our actions. Let’s have some accountability and I want men and women to try to strive for that bond where we can have a true friendship where we can count on each other and work as a team to accomplish goals way beyond romantic involvement.
If you get involved romantically with someone and it doesn’t last, try to develop that friendship, because even when it doesn’t last, like I explained in the book, when you’re in-love, that in-love portion of the relationship, it’s an infatuation stage. People try to tag negativity with the word “infatuation,” but i’s actually a beautiful thing, because that’s actually when you’re in love.
When that love goes deeper than you break-up or you all have an argument or you live together and you really just start to discover each other and you can deal with that, with each other, that is where that true bond is and I think we should strive more for that.
Frank: Along today’s journey, we’ve discussed honesty, whether women get dressed for men or not and submission. I hope you’ve had as much fun as I’ve had discussing I Now Pronounce You Single and Happy.
As always, it’s my wish for you to walk away from this conversation with a heaping helping of useful information that’ll help you create a relationship that’s as loving and accepting as possible. Let us know what you thought of today’s show at facebook.com/relationshipflove, on Twitter @mrfranklove or franklove.com.
On behalf of my producer, Phileta Legette, my engineer, Jeff Newman, and my assistant producer, Anayza Stewart, keep rising. This is Frank Love.
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