Years ago, the idea of being involved with a woman who’d had premarital sex was so scandalous that many men would have avoided her like the plague – at least in public. But in today’s society, are virgins scaring men away?
One of my readers recently asked: “What do men think of virgins? I read they dislike them, because of their lack of experience.”
What do men think about women and virginity? Men are all different, and our thoughts on the topic vary dramatically from person to person. I certainly cannot speak for all of us. But to at least widen the scope, I asked 20 of my male friends for their thoughts, and as I expected, their responses were across the board.
Some saw virginity in adult women as a turn-off, because it suggests they are prudish or withdrawn from their sexuality (possibly because of religious, conservative or other beliefs). Others expressed concern that a woman’s first time is special, and as one friend put it, “Because I probably won’t be as emotional about the event as she would, she should give it to someone who will appreciate it.” He wasn’t the only one who was concerned about emotional attachment. Several worried about the relationship expectations that would come with being a woman’s first.
But some of my other friends agreed that, as long as there is clear communication, being with a virgin can be great. One guy said, “I’m a firm believer that sexual gratification is best experienced when both parties are concerned with pleasing their partner before pleasing themselves. Sometimes women who are really experienced won’t try something different because they think they know everything already.” And another confirmed, “It all depends on the mindset of the person you are with.”
As for me, my feelings on the subject have changed as I
have aged. When I was a late teenager, I had a girlfriend who already had a child. She was a few years older than me, and clearly, I knew before we began dating that she was not a virgin. But, that did not stop me from occasionally dwelling on the fact that she had sex with someone before me. It was never a deal-breaker, but it had an emotional affect on me. Many men (including myself at that time) want to believe we are the only people our mates would have sex with, that we have exclusive rights to goods that have never been experienced by anyone else, and that we are special enough to be someone’s first. But, the mirror is a beautiful thing. I had partners before her, so I needed to release my concept around how a mate “should” conduct her sex life.
In my early 20s, I didn’t care as much whether my partners had previous lovers (I still cared, but less). Then, I dated a woman who was definitely not a virgin, and I definitely didn’t care. We had a great time together, and I certainly enjoyed the fruits of her “prior experience(s).”
In summation, “What do men think of virgins?” Some men prefer them. Others run from their inexperience. And others don’t care one way or the other.
But the bigger question is: What should women – virgins or non-virgins – do with this information? Little to nothing. The partner for you will accept you as you are (whether you have had zero, 10, or 200 sexual partners) because of the value you add to his life. If a prospective or existing partner places more value on your sexual past than what you bring to the table in the present, he is not the one for you, and you are not the one for him.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.com
…and please do not multi-task when driving.
7 comments
Angel
January 26, 2011 at 6:36 PM
Well put! Thank you!
Anna A.
January 27, 2011 at 11:32 AM
That`s an interesting topic, thanks Frank. Since now and then, at my consultations I often encounter the unconscious complexes that were risen during the first sexual experience, which proves one more time that “first time” is very important both for men and women. Being virgin in 20-s, 30-s or even 40-s is a personal choice, the most important that the partner is chosen right. As you`ve said, Frank, if the partner cares for you, he/she will accept you the way you are!
Barbara Sellers
January 28, 2011 at 1:45 PM
You’ve got to be kidding! I remained a virgin until I got married at age 22, and I’m proud of it! I dated several guys who told me that it would NOT make a bit of difference to them if the woman they married was a virgin or not. I told them the story of two gardens. Let’s say one person worked very hard to keep all the weeds out of her garden and the other female gardener allowed all kinds of weeds to grow in her garden. Could you honestly tell me that a man would come along, look at the well-tended garden and look at the garden full of weeds and say, “I like the one full of weeds just as well as I like the clean garden!” I NEVER bought that lie … and I still would NOT buy that lie! Most guys DO lose respect for women who sleep around, just as I lose respect for men who are too quick to go to the bedroom. In today’s world, we must protect ourselves from STDs, too. If a guy is too quick to get intimate with me, I figure he’s quick to get intimate with all the other women he dated, too, and that’s a red flag to me — a red flag that says this guy is high risk, and might not be safe to touch. Bottom line: I think it’s time for all women to go back to the good old values when most women were virgins when they walked down the isle.
Dr. Linda Gadbois
January 30, 2011 at 12:37 AM
Frank,
This is an interesting article. I have to comment from the perspective of not only being a woman, but behind a doctor also.
I do believe, naturally that virginity is only something that “younger and inexperienced” people even think about, because of course once we become adults – 20ish and beyond, the expectation of virginity drastically drops, and the concern begins changing to “how many?” Many opinions are formed from the answer to this question!! Which probably gives us alot more insight into their moral outlook and values around their sexuality.
I never could figure out why men seemed infatuated with a virgin, because, aside from all the obvious – being the first (meaning special), being able to train her to your liking, feeling like you have a kind of “prize” – there are other obvious things to take into consideration.
Unless she’s fairly young, sexual curiosity is a natural and healthy impulse and so is explored to some degree in the “puppy love” (non-mature) area when we first start forming crushes and obsessions that lead to going steady, making out and so on. But then there always that lingering feeling that if a woman has only been with one man, that she forms a curiosity, or a sense of wondering about what it would be like to be with a different man. If you’ve only known one (hopefully he’s satisfying) then you have nothing to compare to or any kind of reality around a different partner. I know that most men like to think they rate high in the love-making department, but the unfortunate truth is, many don’t. Many men don’t realize that a woman’s sexuality is VERY different from his.
Experience does not necessarily equate to numbers, but can be more about whether or not she has been with someone who was creative in love-making and so not only was she taught through a good experience, but probably developed a sense of confidence as a result making her less inhibited and freer to explore and express herself while engaged in sexual play. A good sexual experience, like a good relationship, doesn’t mean that your not going to be “special” to her, but rather indicates her capacity for a loving, sexual relationship that is expressive and fulfilling with fewer “hang-ups” to overcome.
If the number of partners is high or seems big . . . . well, you’ll draw your own conclusions on that one! 🙂
The other thing I would look for, for both men and women, is how quickly sex takes place. This will let you know if sex is connected to love, or perceived as a casual experience to be shared readily with casual acquaintances.
If a casual sexual encounter is all your looking for, then it becomes a different decision, or a consensus between adults. Safety would become the primary concern in this case.
It’s probably more important to find someone who matches your values and morality around love and sex, that way as the relationship develops it forms off of the basis of trust and mutual values that was demonstrated through the initial encounter. Our actions and behavior have nothing to do with other people, they reflect and reveal our character. What we will do in one situation, we will do in another. Your experience with them, and theirs with you, shows you what their value system will support and allow . . . if you know what I mean? 🙂
Normajean Price
January 30, 2011 at 12:39 AM
During the last 10 years of our marriage, my husband was slowly dying. Sex wasn’t even a consideration. Because we had built our marriage on a much different “bedrock”, we missed sex but there was so much more to my husband than that! He was intriguing, fun, kind, stubborn, charming and highly intelligent though only a high school drop-out. He read at least 5 books a week to my one. The subject matter was…EVERYTHING. But no sex. A lot of love but no sex. How many marriages could stand under that. Ours did and I miss him.
Jodi Weisberg
January 30, 2011 at 1:16 AM
Relationships are about so much more than sex; but I somehow feel sorry for women who have not had a variety of partners because there is so much to learn and experience. Plus sex is fun and enjoyable!
Barbara Sellers
January 30, 2011 at 1:18 AM
I agree with Jodi that “relationships are about so much more than sex,” and that’s why couples should go back tot he old fashioned way of dating and getting to know each other before getting intimate so quickly. I also agree that there is a lot to learn and experience … but there are safe ways to do that. Although sex is fun and enjoyable, I do not think it’s intended to be shared with strangers in the night. When people have sex with too many partners, it cheapens the experience. I think it should only be shared when two people deeply in love. Otherwise, it’s like eating Raisin Brand without the raisins.