Each week I facilitate a call (every Thursday at 7pm EST) with men who are interested in being more loving in their relationship. Interested men can connect to that call and be a part of a gathering of men who are supporting one another as we work with and through relationship challenges.
Each week, a brother is invited to present a challenging relationship issue he is facing. During last week’s call, the issue brought to the floor was considerations when dating a woman with a child or children. The participant of note is dating and having a sexual relationship with a woman with a child. He describes her as his “best friend” and freely admits, “She is perfect.” Still he wonders, “Is there someone out there without a child who is better for me?” To add additional flavor to his quandary, his understanding is that the child is not very close with their father. However, when he met the child’s father, the dad commented, “I don’t have a problem with him. He just better not put his hands on my child.”
Our robust discussion yielded an array of responses. Participants noted:
- He doesn’t physically discipline his child, so he would not expect a stepfather to;
- My mother remarried. My stepfather got along well with my father and reasonably physically disciplined me;
- I was the stepfather and, when my ex-wife and I split, her son came with me. We were that close; and
- If we don’t want stepchildren, we need to figure out how to have children with women we genuinely intend to say with.
As you can tell, the brothers made numerous points and offered many considerations. However, after the call, when digesting everything and preparing to write about the conversation for the blog, one idea stood above the rest.
We must take care of our women.
I often hear from brothers who prefer a child-free woman over a woman with an existing child. I get it. It is a way of avoiding a headache you didn’t create. Who wants to take on another man’s problems? I understand the sentiment. However, that very sentiment may be contributing to our destruction.
As men, if we can take a step back from our immediate wants and desires (to only raise our own biological children) and look at things more broadly, we’d see that children of mothers who are not in a relationship with their fathers do not just disappear because they are not in our immediate home/family. They are here to, proverbially, stay. They, like any other child, must be nurtured, cared for, and provided for. Regardless of the type or level of care they receive, we will see them again. We will interact with them in the future. Frederick Douglas noted, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” And broken adults can cause a lot of damage.
This can be understood in multiple ways. We will see these children again as our neighbors and simply passersby. These may very well be the children, teens, or adult who bring misery to our lives in years to come because they were not shown love in their childhood.
Or if we are in a relationship with their mother, we will definitely see them again . . . over and over again. And if we do not interact with those children in a positive manner, they may be a challenge in our life. If we do not show them we care about them, we may reap what we sow.
Instead of seeing women with children as coming to a relationship with burdens or baggage, we can begin to see them and their children as ours—as opportunities for our investment.
I’m not suggesting that raising children who are not biologically ours does not come with unique challenges. It definitely does. And those challenges can be significant. I am suggesting that we put away the concept that women with children are burdens and instead see them as ripe possibilities for a beautiful connection that can last a lifetime. Instead of writing off a woman with a child, let’s get to know the woman, the child, and, when possible, the child’s father. Let’s open our hearts and our minds. We may find ourselves very pleased with the outcome.
Remember, these women, these mothers, are members of our community. They are a part of our collective. Any thought that she is “all alone” is misguided because it suggests the possibility that she and her child can be ignored. Let’s take care of our women. There is no lasting separation between what goes on in our households and what goes on in theirs. They do intersect, so be open to embracing her and them. Don’t write her/them off. Plus, she/they may be perfect for you.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays—Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays—Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
