As anyone who has ever spent much time in the dating pool knows, it can feel hard to find someone who is a good romantic fit. In a world with around seven billion people, we are quick to assume that all the “good ones” are taken, or that they are in hiding.
I recently received an e-mail from a young lady I met a few months ago, in which she asked, “Where does a good woman who is interested in a relationship with a good man in this area go to meet that person?” While I know she was looking for concrete answers (like particular hang-outs, gyms or even churches), her question was not straightforward.
One of my favorite quotes is: “The only normal people are the people we do not know.” I find this sentiment delightful and humbling, because there are not only a lot of people I don’t know. There are also plenty who don’t know me. So, in effect, none of us are normal. Not even me. “Normal” (like “good”) is a subjective word and, therefore, not very useful. Thus, I caution my new friend about believing that she (or anyone) is “good.” When you describe yourself as “good,” you are automatically making someone else “bad.” I try to avoid using these terms, because they can lead me to believe that I know more than I do – about myself and others.
So, when considering possible mates, try not looking at them as “good” or “bad,” or “normal” or “weird.” Instead, look at how they complement and get along with you – not good you or bad you, but you as you are.
I may not know much about you, but I do know me. Allow me to shine a little light on just a few of the many areas of my personality that some people might find unpleasant, offensive or even questionable:
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Before I brush my teeth at night, my breath stinks.
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I don’t always brush my teeth at night.
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I fart, and they can stink.
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I am opinionated.
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I look at women’s butts because I like them.
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I don’t have a problem with the notion that a person can have two lovers.
Now, I am sure I have made someone cringe, and someone else laugh. I am probably going to hang out with the person who laughed. Call me crazy. And that is where chemistry begins. In my estimation, chemistry is what ensues when two people who are simply being themselves enjoy spending time together.
There are people who will appreciate and people who will be offended by who you are and what you do, no matter how you conduct yourself. You are not a better or worse person because you are or are not popular, or because you have a certain set of values, or a certain personality. If you are like me (and I don’t suggest raising your hand if asked), you simply want to be loved and accepted for who you are, even when your breath stinks or you espouse some “crazy” belief.
So, instead of being and looking for someone who is “good,” I suggest looking for someone you like and whose unpopular or unpleasant characteristics you can accept, even embrace. In other words, find someone with whom you have good chemistry. Where do you find this person? Start by walking out your front door and getting to know people – without any preconceived notions about subjective words like “good,” “bad” and “normal.”
Finally, make sure it’s someone who will do the same for you, because we both know that you aren’t all sunshine and roses either. You want to be accepted, too, right? Knowing yourself – your motivations, frailties and unpopular characteristics – can be a great catalyst for humility when assessing others. And it can also land you in a Powerful Partnership.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
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13 comments
Dr. Linda
December 13, 2011 at 3:43 PM
Yes, this is a lifetime practice that requires dedication. But once you master it, it’s where you want to spend most of your time. 🙂
Clinical Psychologist, Juliana
December 13, 2011 at 3:43 PM
Totally agree, and love this! each person needs to be with someone who will embrace them regardless their negativities and patiently help them improve!!! No body needs a harsh judge or court sponsorship type of relationship; love is about being patient, enduring, tolerating and yet improving, loving and healing with the partner.
Acharya Girish
December 13, 2011 at 3:55 PM
deep within you – awaken to a being beyond mind – you are the best and same as of all other beings. the journey starts from oneself and not from others. to find good person , let mind transcends itself and discover the GOODNESS within
Terisse
December 13, 2011 at 4:08 PM
I share his sentiment & humor. This guy keeps it very, very real and I can appreciate that! No mysteries or misinterpretations…Saves everyone a lot of time! LOL
Terisse
December 13, 2011 at 4:11 PM
help them improve? I ain’t got time for that LOL Either they got it or they don’t, either they gel with me or they don’t and if they don’t well, I’m out! And moving onto to someone who does. LMAO!
Acharya Girish
December 13, 2011 at 4:30 PM
Life is itself an activity as plastic flowers never die. you transcend mind and live, move and act in Peace, Happiness, Truth, Wisdom – not only you see, feel, act good but also perceive the goodness everywhere. practice is there until one awakens , after that is it just causal awareness as you know who are YOU
Dr. Linda
December 14, 2011 at 12:34 AM
So true about the comment “good” or “bad”, clearly subjective statement that doesn’t actually say anything specific. And certainly what one considers good another may have a whole different opinion or idea about.
Also, relationships serve to transform us more than any other aspect of life. It may be a good idea to look for a mate who will grow the parts of you you want to grow. One that brings out your best, or the part of you you’d like more of, and interacts with you in such a way that it builds you, stimulates you in a desirable way, and one who has a disposition that is compatible with yours.
People spend so much time thinking about what they want, and sometimes fail to ask, what do they have to give?
Acharya Girish
December 14, 2011 at 12:37 AM
If goodness is declared by the mind , it is of no value as mind turns good to bad and bad to good. what is really needed is to transcend the mind and enter into a state of consciousness that is GOOD alone. then we live, move and act in Goodness. Kabir one of the great mystic and spiritual and yoga master , not less than Rumi , whom people know says ,” when i start searching who is bad in this world, i did not find anyone. when i looked within me, i found that badness was present deep within at one corner of my heart.”
Bernice
December 15, 2011 at 12:56 AM
We attract what we are. Be the kind of person you want to be with.
Susan
December 18, 2011 at 8:58 AM
I agree with Bernice. Be the kind if person you want to be with. Then go and do your thing- service, sport, business, art, social, etc.- where you will find other people who share that interest. Turn off the tv, dvd, computer and go live. There are lots of beautifully imperfect people out there!
Mary
December 22, 2011 at 1:28 AM
My sister complained to me that all her ex-husbands have been alcoholics. I asked her where she met them and she said “in a bar”. Well, hello, did you think they were tea drinkers if you met them in a bar? If you are looking for a “good drunk” I guess that is a good place to meet them.
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