When working hard for someone, the simple presence of the recipient can encourage those doing the work.
In my previous post, “Policing People Who Police Themselves,” we discussed how letting go of unhealthy and unnecessary conversations can deepen your relationships.
Snow shoveling taught me more about the power of being present than a thousand “relationship tips.”
I had two snow-shoveling experiences back-to-back recently. Same weather. Same brutal DC snow: heavy, icy, disrespectful. Same me. Same sore back as I loaded up the snow. Accompanied by the same nephew to whom I’m showing the ropes on how to make some money when it snows.
But the feeling of each job couldn’t have been more different. The difference wasn’t the money. It was presence.
Snow-Shoveling Experience #1: The Invisible Job
I called a 40-year-old friend and asked her if she needed help with clearing her snow. She said yes, but she could only pay $50.
“I’ll do it for free for you. If you can do $50, cool.” It was about love and care waaaay more than money.
It was a big job. The kind where the snow has that thick ice layer on top. You can’t just shovel it. You have to break it, lift it in chunks, and pray your shoulders and back survive.
I let her know via text that we had arrived. Me and my nephew worked for about an hour. We worked hard and got the job done.
As we worked, we never saw her. Not once.
When we finished, I knocked to let her know we were leaving. She said, “Okay, see you later, thank you,” handed me the $50, and that was that.
The next day she called me and asked me to return to clear the backyard. This job took about 75 percent of the effort of the prior day’s job—still real work.
And again . . . she never came out. She came outside once to take out the trash, but not to speak. Not to connect. Not to share a moment.
Snow-Shoveling Experience #2: The Elder Who Fed My Battery
The next day, I called an elder in the community. I drive past her house every day and noticed the snow had not been touched. I had knocked on her door earlier in the week. No answer. Days later, I called to see if she’d like the snow shoveled.
She said yes. Then she asked, “What will you charge?”
I told her, based on what she described, the job should be around $125. She said she didn’t have that, but she could do $60.
I told her the same thing I had told the first friend: “We’ll do it for free. $60 is fine. See you in an hour.” It was about love and care waaaay more than money.
When we got there and started working, she came outside. It was cold. About 15 degrees Fahrenheit (-9.4 degrees Celsius) cold. And she still came out. She stood there and talked to us. She laughed with us. She kept us company while we did grueling work.
And as we worked, problems popped up. Her Jeep got stuck. We stayed. We helped. We made sure she was good before we left.
I said to her, “It means a lot to me that you came out and just spent time.”
She shrugged her shoulders and laughed. “Of course. We’re here together.”
Presence Multiplies Effort
If someone is doing something for you, your presence can be their fuel.
Not your speech. Not your perfection. Not your deep knowledge of therapy language. Just your presence.
Just stepping into the moment and letting the person feel like you care about them can be huge.
I’m not saying you need to entertain the plumber. I’m saying something simpler: Your presence matters. It’s honor. It’s community. It’s what this elder seemed to understand instinctively.
Try This the Next Time Someone Shows Up
If someone is working hard for you, show up. Appear. Show your face.
Spend some time. You’ll be amazed how far it goes. Because giving your time matters. And that’s loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
Relationship Accountability & Resilience Strategist
