My uncle and my aunt had dropped off gifts for my family during the holidays. My uncle is my father’s brother, and the way our family exchanges gifts is simple. They bring the gifts to my house, and then all my father’s children, and all our children, receive them from there. It’s a small tradition, but it’s a real one. It’s family. It’s continuity.
One of the gifts was for my wife and me. It had two tags. On one side of the bag, one tag said my name. Just me. On the other side of the same exact bag, another tag said my name and my wife’s name.
My daughter picked the bag up and said, “Dad, this gift is for you and mom. It says Frank and Nicole.”
I replied, “It’s actually for just me. It says Frank.” She smiled and gently turned the bag around and showed me the other name tag. I had to laugh at myself as I said, “Oh. Got it.”
From my perspective, I wasn’t being disagreeable. I was “accurate.” I was right and I could prove it. I saw the tag with my name and made a conclusion about what that meant. In my mind, it was settled.
But I hadn’t seen the second tag. I missed an important nuance, a key detail. In that moment, I realized how often I (and we) may do this with the people we love. We see one piece of information, we form a conclusion, and then we lock in. We don’t explore. We don’t check. We don’t stay open. We plant our flag and defend it. We often call that “being smart.” We often call that “being right.” We often call that “knowing.” However, it is often simply a lack of curiosity.
I subsequently had a conversation with myself. I wondered, instead of saying no and arguing with what someone has said, can I ask, “Why do you say that?” That question shows curiosity, one of the most beautiful things we can bring into a relationship.
Curiosity can lower defensiveness. Curiosity can open doors. Curiosity can make room for information we don’t have. Curiosity can allow the other person to explain themself without feeling like they’re on trial. Curiosity can create connection.
The experience with my daughter wasn’t about a gift tag. It was about a habit. It was about the way our minds, and in this particular case, my mind, naturally want to win instead of understand.
We are often more committed to being right than being connected. We are often more committed to looking intelligent than being emotionally safe. We are often more committed to our conclusion than to our relationship with the person standing in front of us. This can quietly damage relationships.
When someone contradicts what we think we know, our reflex might be to think, No, that’s not true. You’re wrong. That’s not what happened. That’s not what you meant. You’re exaggerating. You’re being dramatic. In each of these sentences, the intent is the same: opposition.
Maybe our no assertion is right. Maybe we have evidence. Maybe we did see a tag. However, what if there is a different tag on the other side? What if there is context we don’t have? What if the other person is seeing something we’re not seeing? What if they have information we don’t? What if their conclusion is coming from pain we didn’t notice? What if our tone is coming from fear? What if our attitude is a defensive posture we don’t know how to get out of?
Curiosity can mean we are open long enough to understand before we respond. Curiosity doesn’t mean we agree. It doesn’t mean we’re weak. It doesn’t mean we are surrendering the truth. But curiosity can be taking a breath to better understand the other person and the situation.
Curiosity can say: Help me see what you see.
Curiosity can say: Walk me through how you got here.
Curiosity can say: There might be something I’m missing.
And that posture is powerful in every relationship. Romantic. Friendship. Parent-child. Supervisory. Coworker. Familial.
People are constantly interpreting life from personal position, experiences, and history. These all create blind spots. I came to a completely reasonable conclusion based on what I saw. But I had a blind spot I wasn’t aware of.
Many of us often do the same thing. We aren’t intentionally lying or trying to be difficult. We’re just operating with incomplete information. And instead of being curious, we’re often closed or arrogant. We work to win. We work to be right. We work to make the other person feel or be wrong. Then we wonder why people are hostile in their dealings with us.
Moving forward, when feeling the urge to say no, let’s consider pausing and:
- Asking: “Why do you say that?”
- Asking: “What makes you feel that way?”
- Asking: “What did you see that I didn’t see?”
- Saying: “Help me understand your conclusion.”
Curiosity can be intimacy. Curiosity can be respect. Curiosity can be very loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
