Life can get lonely, and change can be terrifying. That’s why most of us want a commitment in our romantic relationships – a guarantee that at least one person will always be there, that as long as that person lives, we will never be completely alone. And that’s a perfectly natural desire. So, when we find that special someone who enriches our lives and who we are happy around, we ask him/her to promise never to leave. But after examining all the evidence, I have come to the conclusion that most of us do not want an unconditional, until-death-do-us-part commitment. Or at the very least, what we want today may not be what we want tomorrow. The fact that half of all marriages end in divorce proves that sometimes, after years in a relationship, being alone becomes the more attractive option.
I am not attempting to redefine “commitment.” Rather, I am clarifying the true desire expressed in a wish for commitment. It is the desire to have someone in our lives (generally in close proximity) for as long as he/she suits us and meets our relationship needs. And because we are human, in a world that is constantly changing – and changing us – that desire is conditional. This is not right or wrong; it just is. Despite our best efforts to ensure stability and predictability (like when we condemn others as “immoral”) we can rest assured that we will all be affected by changing wants/desires (both our own and those of others) at some point.
And that is actually a good thing. If taking some vows and slipping on some rings is all it takes to ensure you’ll never be lonely again, what’s the point in trying to please your mate once the preacher pronounces you legally wed? If you know that your spouse is going to stay no matter what you do or don’t do (and he/she knows the same thing about you), there’s no motivation to appreciate and be good to one another. When my mate and I chose each other, we agreed that each of us would forever be true – true to ourselves, first and foremost. Knowing that my mate could leave my life at any time (either through her choice or her death) makes me appreciate what I have in the here and now. Knowing that our goodbye kiss each morning could be our last makes that kiss all the more precious.
Ayn Rand once wrote, “I do not grant my love without reason, nor to any chance passer-by who may wish to claim it. I honor men with my love. But honor is a thing to be earned.” Unconditional love may be enough for dogs and children, but most adults do not love unconditionally – and if you did, imagine what kind of relationships (and life) you might be forced to settle for. What if your partner’s life turns in a new direction – one that is respectable enough, but different and averse to what you want out of life? For example, what if she decides to spend your combined savings on a condo in Aruba? Or he joins the Peace Corps and accepts an assignment in another country? Or she decides to quit her job and go to law school in a different state? Or he takes up smoking or some other habit that completely irritates you? Or you simply stop getting along and enjoying one another’s company? Or what if it’s something even worse – like crime or domestic abuse? If you think about it, there is probably something your spouse could do that would be a deal-breaker.
Few people, if any, enter into marriage planning to divorce. In most relationships that end this way, there was once a time when both individuals wanted a commitment. When things got rocky, they probably did some soul searching and tried to compromise and find ways to extend the life of the relationship. But somewhere along the way, one or both partners lost the desire for that commitment.
In conclusion, whenever proclaiming, “I want a commitment!,” or taking someone else’s proclamation to heart, be careful what you wish for. People change, and consequently, so do their relationships. Most of us want a person to be with us conditionally, for as long as it suits us. There is nothing wrong, or immoral, about that. But it is important to note and respect this fact, and to approach your relationships with the commitment, above all, to be true to yourself, and to be your true self.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.net
15 comments
Mary
October 25, 2010 at 7:55 PM
Great article!
Chacha
October 25, 2010 at 9:06 PM
Nice one, Frankie.
Andreas D.
October 26, 2010 at 9:21 AM
Great work!
Hydia Johanna (Vanessa)
October 26, 2010 at 10:44 AM
Years ago I came to an amazing realization that all my “committed” relationships whatever form (with spouse, significant others children, parents, siblings etc.) were 100% conditional on my behalf. The conditions was my gage as to how I choose to operate with another in our dance of relation. Since this realization and acceptance I’ve moved forward in how I view my committed relationships. Today, I know that there is only ONE in which I am truly committed… (SELF)….and ….I get to enjoy all the miraculous moments of being with, discovering, and holding in reverence the beauty of my Soul. In that space of discovery and refining I get to share my most intimate parts with another. Therefore, today when I become off balance I remind myself that “My relationship with you is 100% about my relationship with me”…and my commitment with conditions is the basis of our uniting and I am still willing to allow the relationship to continually shift and sway as needed because it’s always in Divine Order.
Kristen
October 26, 2010 at 2:21 PM
I just wanted to let you know that I really like your blog. Frank Love is a perfect venue for you…although I don’t agree with everything, you provide a very interesting and real perspective that I can truly appreciate. Keep up the wonderful work.
Vanessa
October 26, 2010 at 2:25 PM
OMG!…absolutely wonderful
Kwan
October 26, 2010 at 4:26 PM
Phenomenal…a truly evolved way of thinking. Conditions are always changing so how can we force romantic love and commitment into that box. I always thought it was unrealistic and an archaic way of thinking. My core people I love with conditions, including my child. Only people who I love from a far, can have my love unconditionally.
Melissa
October 26, 2010 at 4:27 PM
Ohhh Mr. Love you’ve outdone yourself this time! I enjoyed this one! It reminds me of GREAT advice to be prepared to love through the SEASONS of your relationships. We come in to the relationship in one season – which changes for both people through-out the years! Be prepared to weather the storm, dance in the rain and bask in the sun… advice taken from one of the WONDERFUL group of women you introduced me too some time ago! That was truly a meeting of the minds in that room – those days!
Keep up the wonderful work!
Manifest
October 27, 2010 at 7:30 AM
Well said brother!
Keep up the good work.
Mama Kathy English Holt
October 27, 2010 at 8:39 AM
Thank you for this offering. Reminder: The first commitment is to God and Self. From that comes everything. In having this as your primary commitment, you then can grow into an unconditional love with anyone whether they are your current partner or a former partner. When we allow ourselves to use FORGIVENESS as the bridge, unconditional love can be attained. Start with forgiving yourself for your own foolish ways for what anyone does to you is merely reflecting back to you that which you need to heal. We are each others mirrors and when we enter loving, committed relationships if both set the intention that they will be holy and eternal versus temporal and self-serving, the Miracle Happens. I am a bit older and wiser than you, Frank. I have been around the block, as you know, and am grateful for ALL OF IT! Relationships are the biggest classroom in life. Thanks for stopping to share your perspective. May you continue to grow in God’s love in ALL your relationships!
C. Love
October 27, 2010 at 2:08 PM
TRUE!!!
t-
October 28, 2010 at 8:46 AM
I read this morning from Proverbs 20:25
25 It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly
and only later to consider his vows.
Relationship and commitment are a work in progress. If you stay committed, even the wrongs will eventually make itself right. We as humans have to learn to take the good with the bad. We practice this in every area of our life except our relationships. A car that gives us constant problems, a job that has become burdensome and clothes that no longer fit. If we do not have the funds to replace those items, we make it work for us, whether completing maintenance on our cars, learn new skills at work or losing weight to fit our clothes. We have to learn to step up to the plate when our relationships have gone bad. Like those items I named: car, work and clothes, they can’t do anything to improve your situation, you have to take the ownership to improve such as with an one way no going anywhere marriage. Humans have to begin to challenge themselves to be faithful and committed especially when married. It is in our nature to desire a long lasting marriage and to make our marriages happy and successful. Adam and Eve did it, even in their error, we have to also see their strength. Let’s fine Love, no not Frank’s Love, but God’s love. It is out there to claim despite what our human beliefs are. We have to learn to forgive and turn the other cheek more, and less of being a fool’s advocative in calamity. (Proverbs 20:3 3 It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.)We have to fight to keep our eyes on the prize and not let our families down. Mental strength is stronger than any physical strength that we have. Good luck to winning your battle of the mind and the heart!
Aba Tyus
October 28, 2010 at 12:14 PM
“….be true to yourself, and be your true self.” I love it!!!
Nana Kwabena Brown
October 29, 2010 at 11:04 AM
Frank, this is so first class. Keep up the good work.
Sonia
October 29, 2010 at 2:57 PM
Very insightful…exposing what folks really mean when they say that want a commitment–until I stop wanting it!