How often has one of your relationships ended because of a “betrayal of trust,” because someone did not do what he/she was “supposed to do,” or because someone just wanted out? Sound familiar? If so, congratulations; I’m glad things worked out so well for you.
Whether my mate wakes up one morning and decides she no longer wants to be with me, or she demonstrates her unhappiness by breaking an agreement between the two of us, the underlying sentiment is the same – the relationship is not working for her. And unless it works for both of us, it’s not serving its purpose. So, ending the partnership is what is best for me as well.
Many of us are short-sighted when reviewing the anatomy of a break-up, particularly our own. Most people aspire to happily-ever-after in romantic relationships, and when things don’t go quite as planned, we feel angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, ultimately devastated. But do you really want to stay in a partnership that is working for you but not your mate? If so, take solace in knowing that many people feel this way – though most are unwilling to see it so simply. But to want to keep a relationship intact when your partner wants out is equivalent to saying, “I am not valuable enough for someone to want to be in relationship with me (see ‘Commitment is Overrated‘). I’m not capable of attracting a new and more compatible partner. I have grown comfortable, and my comfort is being threatened, so I am scared and angry.” And that’s a rotten way to feel about yourself.
After the cards are on the table and your partner has made it clear there that are no issues that could be resolved to make the situation better, it’s up to you how the rest of the break-up will go. How much you truly love your mate (as opposed to how much you say you love him/her) will dictate your next move. Will you run to a divorce lawyer and work to take your partner for everything you can get? Will you cry and ask yourself “why me?” Will you tell your friends how much you sacrificed (see ‘Sacrifice: A Tool for Manipulation in Relationships’) for your partner’s sake so you can accumulate sympathy and allies? Or will you thank your mate for the time you had together and say, “I wish you the best.”
If you choose the latter response, I applaud you. You will be showing love and compassion not only to your partner, but also to yourself. I am not suggesting that it will be painless. Quite the contrary; most often, it will hurt. But you get to choose how ugly things get. I hope you set a tone of LOVE and understanding – one that honors both the partnership you shared as well as your own pride. If my mate wanted out, I would not even ask her reasoning (which is not the same as asking if there are issues we could address and potentially fix). It really doesn’t matter why she is ready to move on; I love her and want to see her happy. And I love myself enough to know that, whenever I’m ready to be in a relationship again, I can find someone who wants to be with me.
The perfect break-up is not one without pain. It is one where there is a healthy understanding that things and people change, and a willingness to support them as they do. So if your partner ever wants out, show him/her how much the relationship has meant to you – with a hug.
If he ever left me, I wouldn’t even be sad, no
Cause there’s a blessing in every lesson
And I’m glad that I knew him at all
– India Arie’s “The Truth”
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.net
…and please do not multi-task when driving.
16 comments
Manibi
December 20, 2010 at 1:40 PM
The emotion we experience/are consumed by/feel at the end of a relationship can be so overwhelming, that it takes years to realize the blessing in the ending. So I would agree with this week’s take on relationships. We sometimes fail to see that perfect is in the eyes of the beholder – just as is beauty. I do have a question though – Do people change?? Or do they realize that what they overlooked at the beginning of the relationship as a “one-time” fluke, or a trait he or she considered minor, or something that would change (“with my help”), turned out to be more than could be handled, anticipated, expected, – just more than that proverbial notion? Perhaps we can change “no investigation, no right to speak” to “no investigation, no right to complain…???”
Natalie Kimbrough
December 21, 2010 at 4:19 PM
Indeed, and even those that seem to end “unhappily” just need another reflection from us leading us to gratitude for all that has been taught and learned; once there is no more “unhappy” or other negative feelings, that’s when the relationship is truly ended and we can move forward on our path. Peace & Love,
Tosin
December 21, 2010 at 8:45 PM
Interesting read.It’s maturity to watch the other party leave and be happy with it but when we are at the receiving end of a break up our default emotion is not that of happy especially when we are still feeling the love but really if you truly love them in the 1st place even though you are sad it’s ending you wish them well because you want them happy so i agree with this article. In the end everything happens for a reason and you are always a better person because you’ve learnt something about yourself that will be useful when you are finally ready to travel that road again.
@Mabini my take on your question is that relationship wise i dont really think people change i just think their preference of what they want and what they can take is what really changes.
Alison Wheeler
December 22, 2010 at 2:51 PM
Thank you for the article Frank. I think anger can be destructive, however anger can also have movement. It can be used to move someone from a worse emotional state. To hold onto anger is unhealthy. I think that at some point everyone needs to come to a place of forgiveness for life’s happenings. And forgiveness is for-giving not for holding onto.
Janette Brown
December 22, 2010 at 4:58 PM
Yes. Pain is perfect; how else do we grow?!
Michelle
December 26, 2010 at 12:42 AM
So true, Frank. If we feel deceived or betrayed, we become blood-thirsty and vile. It is possible, however, to simply part ways.
I’m friends with one of my ex-boyfriends, and it is because of the way we handled the break-up. I felt that he did me wrong in the end, but I told him that we couldn’t have conversations and ignore the break-up. I needed time away from him. I articulated such and took my time. Slowly, I began to call him and we redeveloped and redefined our relationship.
Over the years, we have proven that we can civil and friendly toward each other. For instance, when my father died, he attended the funeral and offered an ear for my pain. And, just this week, his mother had a mild heart attack. He didn’t have to ask me to visit. I simply did.
For me, I retraced our courtship and realized that I had many opportunities to end things. Since I didn’t, I wouldn’t punish him or torture myself. We should have limited our relationship to a friendship from the start, but we can’t do anything about the past. We can, though, live peacefully in the present.
Today, I thank God for insight and thank my ex for a continued, drama-free friendship.
Live Simply Healthy
December 28, 2010 at 1:22 AM
Very nice!
Laylah Amatullah Barrayn
January 3, 2011 at 1:06 PM
Wow…the truth is just that simple. Good read!
Corletta Clay
January 3, 2011 at 1:06 PM
Great and thought provoking Blog will share!
Massander
January 5, 2011 at 6:15 PM
The challenge for most of us (myself included) is that we don’t have the maturity and emotional security to not have our egos feel completely threatened in times like these. I’m with my wife with the hope that we can build a long, happy relationship together and it would certainly be sad to face the “death” of this dream.
Alexander M.
May 4, 2011 at 10:36 PM
Up until recently i considered myself a master of gracious endings, but now i find as i have learnt to treat people better they have got a lot more attached to me, and the endings have been much more traumatic.
Kathy T.
May 4, 2011 at 10:37 PM
There could be multi-layered things going on. People feel valued when they are treated well. By treating people better than previously, they may be emotionally and energetically fed by your treatment of them. You mention that people are getting more attached to you. In my opinion, “attachment” is not healthy – it implies a dependency and an unequal relationship. As you grow and pursue a healthier lifestyle / relationships, the people you leave behind my feel abandonment and the withdrawal of the nourishment the derived from you. One thing to pay attention to is how you feel around these people. They may be vampiring (feeding off) your energy. There is also the possibility that as you grow, they are not mature enough to want what is best for you and only want what is best for them regardless of the consequences to you. Some exercises to strengthen your aura / energetic boundaries could help your situation, as could developing some loving detachment. Learning to guiltlessly say NO is also helpful.
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Rollercoasterider
October 15, 2011 at 10:16 AM
“But to want to keep a relationship intact when your partner wants out is equivalent to saying, “I am not valuable enough for someone to want to be in relationship with me (see ‘Commitment is Overrated‘). I’m not capable of attracting a new and more compatible partner. I have grown comfortable, and my comfort is being threatened, so I am scared and angry.” And that’s a rotten way to feel about yourself.”
Actually that is not what I was saying at all. Several years ago Sweetheart said he wanted a divorce. A few weeks later he admitted there was someone else. His affair was not yet physical, that was why he was planning to move out. He then changed his mind about the divorce a few times. He moved out and then moved in with the alienator (other woman) and filed for divorce.
I said NO and contested.
It was not out of a fear that I would not or could not find someone else. I was on a fertility clock and maybe would have had a better chance had I not Stood for my marriage—we are no going through the process of adopting. But I had no desire to find anyone else. Standing for a marriage was a risk and one of the greatest things at stake was m fertility. It’s gone now—so says my doctor’s statistics—but I don’t regret the decision; though I mourn the loss of my fertility. I had made a commitment to Sweetheart and I saw from his erratic behavior, that he was not in a stable frame of mind to be making such a life-changing decision. Within two months of filing he wanted to come home and he stopped the divorce. The alienator faked a pregnancy less than 24 hours after he left her, he got scared and left again a few weeks later. When he left her on a later occasion she threatened indirect suicide—she said she had a medical problem that would be fatal if she didn’t fix it and she would only fix it if she came back to him. This woman preyed on my husband for 3.5 years as his vulnerability decreased and his strength to resist increased.
I am a Stander and I Stood for my marriage because I know I am valuable, Sweetheart is valuable and my marriage—and marriage itself—is valuable. Sweetheart was Monster to me at various times throughout those three years; I was not Standing for Monster. I was Standing for who I knew he would become. Our old relationship was dead; I knew that from the beginning. But I knew that we not only could, but that we would rebuild a beautiful and fulfilling relationship together. We are doing that now.
I was scared in the beginning; fear is natural and I worked through it. I was angry in the beginning, at various points throughout and at the end; anger is not a bad emotions, it is simply an emotion and thus valid. We worked through the anger. My marriage is better than it was before our crisis.
“Will you run to a divorce lawyer and work to take your partner for everything you can get? Will you cry and ask yourself “why me?” Will you tell your friends how much you sacrificed (see ‘Sacrifice: A Tool for Manipulation in Relationships’) for your partner’s sake so you can accumulate sympathy and allies? Or will you thank your mate for the time you had together and say, “I wish you the best.”
If you choose the latter response, I applaud you.”
Me too. It’s a wonderful response. But it does not have to include agreement to divorce. Standing is about Acceptance, I advise people to accept the process. I had to accept that Sweetheart was divorcing me and deal with it; I had to accept that he was committing adultery and deal with it. That acceptance did not mean I found his actions accept-able; it was an acceptance of what I could not control. I Stood for Sweetheart with the Unconditionals as my tools: Grace, Agape and Forgiveness.
www.scribd.com
September 9, 2014 at 5:40 AM
Thanks forr finally writing abbout > Most Relationships End Perfectly | Frank Love on Relationships < Liked it!