Learning to let go of unhealthy and unnecessary conversations can deepen your relationships.
In my previous post, “Teens—Speak Positively About Your Co-Parent,” we discussed how even if your parents set a bad example, you have the ability to choose how you will parent your own children.
We have conversations about the people in our lives that are completely unnecessary. Not dramatic. Not explosive. Just quietly wasteful.
These conversations start in our head. They show up in side conversations. They often masquerade as “processing,” “being careful,” or “protecting ourselves.” But many of them aren’t healthy for us at all. They drain our energy, weaken our relationships, and quietly dismiss the integrity of the people we are talking about.
One area where we may engage in these conversations concerns our partner’s decision-making process and habits. When we continue to raise questions about a partner’s decisions despite their having shown positive traits of consistency and accountability, we are unable to find peace in that relationship. Let me explain.
The Cost of Unnecessary Conversations
Some of us believe we must feel comfortable with our partner’s decision-making process to feel comfortable with the decisions they make. That belief sounds reasonable, but it is not actually true.
We can feel uncomfortable with anyone’s decision-making process for countless reasons. We may question everything. We may dislike giving anyone power. We may not understand how a person thinks. We may simply not like the person. None of those discomforts automatically mean the decisions themselves are untrustworthy.
What actually matters is not whether we feel comfortable, but whether there is a pattern—a history of outcomes we have witnessed. And we all have patterns. Some of us have patterns that are generally experienced as desirable. Some of us have patterns that are generally experienced as undesirable.
If there is a pattern of sound judgment, repair, accountability, or follow-through, then continuing to scrutinize decision-making becomes a waste of energy. This does not mean ignoring patterns of failure or poor judgment when they exist. Those patterns matter too, and they deserve attention.
But when consistency is present, the work shifts. We do not have to be comfortable with the process to be comfortable with the result. Sometimes maturity looks like allowing ourselves to be comfortable with being uncomfortable because the evidence supports peace.
But too often, we demonstrate doubt in the midst of consistency. That doubt creates costly friction—emotional, relational, and personal.
Consistency Is Evidence, Not a Debate
If we know someone to be consistent in a particular way, we do not have to fight with them about that thing. Ever.
If someone has shown us they show up, help when they can, tell the truth when it is uncomfortable, or repair when they mess up, then arguing with them about whether they will do those things again is a waste of time. It is also a waste of their goodness.
At that point, we are no longer evaluating behavior. We are questioning a character trait that has already been demonstrated.
Consistency is not a promise. It is evidence. Evidence that justifies peace. That peace may still feel uncomfortable, especially if their pattern is different from ours. Our partner may forget, move slowly, communicate differently, or make decisions in ways we would not choose. But difference alone is not disqualifying.
Consistency Does Not Mean Perfection
This is not a claim that people who are consistent never lie, never make mistakes, or never get it wrong. Consistency does not mean flawless behavior. What it does suggest, though never guarantees, is self-correction.
A person who is consistent does not outsource their conscience. When they act out of alignment, there is usually a legitimate reason rooted in complexity, fear, or protection.
And they typically recognize the misalignment themself and address it. Often, they come back and tell us. Not because they were caught, but because being out of integrity is uncomfortable for them.
We do not have to police people who already police themselves.
Surveillance Is Not Trust
When we continue monitoring people who have already shown accountability, we waste our energy. This is where the unhealthy conversations begin.
We double-check what does not need checking because the pattern already exists. We interrogate what we already know the answer to. We expect outcomes that contradict the evidence we have been given.
While this may feel like self-protection, it actually shrinks the relationship. It replaces understanding with suspicion and intimacy with useless talking.
Peace is recognizing that our partner will not always do things in a way that makes us comfortable.
Peace is learning to find comfort in how they consistently do things.
Redirecting the Energy
Instead of wasting energy policing other people, we have an opportunity to police ourselves. Our tendencies. Our fear. Our need to talk instead of observe. When we do that, something opens up. The energy once spent on discernment, monitoring, and reaction becomes available for creation. Building something. Deepening something. Moving something forward.
Let’s become a person who demonstrates consistent and admirable patterns. Let’s save the freed energy we have because we are no longer monitoring or questioning the desirable patterns of our partner to build something beautiful together. And that’s loving.
Frank Love
Relationship Accountability & Resilience Strategist
