You are capable of breaking the cycle of inappropriate parental behavior and safeguarding your children’s emotional well-being.
In my previous post, “Teens—Your Parents May Be Oversharing,” we discussed how misplaced emotional burdens can create unnecessary stress.
Teens, this is a message for your future selves. One day, many of you will become parents, and when you do, you’ll be faced with choices about how to raise your children, how to talk to them, and what to protect them from. One of the most important lessons you can carry with future you is this: Do not involve your children in disagreements between you and your partner.
Keep Them Out of It
When I say, “Don’t involve them,” I mean ideally they won’t know there is a disagreement. And if they do know, they are not privy to the details—who wants what, who’s right, or who’s wrong.
In my humble opinion, your children wouldn’t be able to tell if Dad wants X and Mom wants Y. All they would know is that the adults are making a decision and they’ll be informed of the outcome when the time is right.
That’s it. They don’t need to know anything else. And this isn’t about secrecy—it’s about protection.
Why This Matters
Here’s why this is so important as you move forward into your relationship lives: We never truly know how children will process what they see and hear. What might feel like a simple disagreement to you can feel like a crisis to them. And too often, when children witness conflict, they feel pressure to choose a side.
That’s a position no child should ever be placed in. It is unpleasant, it is unfair, and it can quietly shape the way they view relationships for years to come.
And remember this: You and your co-parent are each 50 percent of who your child is, biologically and emotionally. When you criticize or try to turn your child against the other parent, you are indirectly criticizing a part of them too.
The Trap of Siding
Here’s something I’ve noticed: Most of the time when I see a parent share details of a disagreement with their child, it’s not to “inform” them. It’s to win them over. It’s an attempt to get the child to side with them.
That is not fair. It’s not healthy. And it’s not love.
If you find yourself trying to get your child to see how “wrong” your co-parent is, pause and check yourself. Ask yourself, am I asking my child to judge the other half of themself?
Because that’s what happens. When you pull your child into your conflicts, you’re asking them to choose between parts of who they are. That’s a burden they are often not emotionally built to carry.
Their Job Is to Be Children
Your children are not your referees. They are not your counselors or mediators. Their only job is to be children.
When you protect them from adult disagreements, you give them what every child deserves: safety, security, and freedom from the emotional chaos of adult issues.
Even if your disagreements are small, handle them away from your children. Don’t raise your voice in front of them. Don’t make them carry messages back and forth. Don’t let them see either of you as the “bad guy.”
They get to be able to look at both of their parents and feel safe, loved, and supported. And we get to support them doing so.
A Legacy of Peace
I’m sharing this while you’re teenagers because you can break cycles.
If you grew up seeing parents fight and pull you into their disagreements, you know that it can be an unpleasant experience. It can feel confusing and heavy. That experience doesn’t have to become your children’s reality.
Make the choice now that you will do it differently. That you will protect your future children’s emotional peace. That you will let them be children and enjoy childhood—leaving the adult matters to adults.
When we shield our children from co-parenting conflicts, we are giving them one of the most loving gifts a parent can give: a childhood free of emotional battles that don’t belong to them. And that’s loving.
Watch my video Teens—Don’t Involve Your Children in Your Disagreements Related to this blog.
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