The Beauty of Hypocrisy
Finding opportunities for intentional helpfulness.
In my previous blog, “Patience: Loving Grandma and Her Knitting,” I will talk about a memory technique I use to bring patience to my interactions with my partner and others.
Years ago, an elder (I’m talking about elders pretty often these days) in the community was making a few suggestions to my wife and me about how to improve the inner workings of our family. One of the suggestions was that we meet every week to discuss and work through the various needs of our brood. Since that conversation, my wife and I have operated at varying degrees of compliance. Though, if I were objectively scoring our results, I would give us an F.
Fast-forward many years (since my wife and I were advised to meet regularly). I was blessed with some time to hang out with said elder and the elder’s household partner. We were talking about this and that, laughing and enjoying being around each other (at least I was). Somehow the two partners began discussing the various ways they were missing one another along the busy road of life: managing children, hectic schedules, and one hand wasn’t very clear about what the other was doing in a few realms. It is worth noting that everyone was still jovial. All of this was being unearthed while we were all having fun.
At one point, I jumped in and asked, “Aren’t you the person who suggested my wife and I meet every week?”
The elder laughed and said, “I know, right.” We continued the fun, said our goodbyes, and continued with our day.
Ignore Hypocrisy and Lead With Understanding
Upon reflection, I thought to myself: Wow, we are all under the gun working to get a lot done in one day. I also briefly thought about the hypocritical nuance related to the advice that had been given to me. However, that judgment was quickly overruled by:
- The understanding and acceptance that the advice I had been given (about meeting weekly) was good advice
- My care for the elder and my belief in their integrity
- My interest and desire to be of support
To call a person a hypocrite is a technique often used to dismiss their opinion or credibility. This is a poor use of our time and efforts. Instead of working to discredit or reject, we can be understanding and helpful. Being helpful became my goal.
Seek Opportunities To Be Helpful
What became clear to me is that I was able to be helpful. I was able to provide them with a similar effort of time as the elder had given my wife and me. I could be helpful by checking in with the elder and the household unit to see how they are doing with their weekly meetings. Were they having them? If so, were their meetings productive? If the meetings were not productive, were there any strategies that were worth considering that would help their meetings to be successful?
The other strategy that immediately gained traction in our conversation was that one of the needs of their family closely coincided with the needs of my family. And my efforts toward advancing the needs of my family can easily spill over to theirs and the needs of their children.
To their credit, both partners have been responsive when I sent them related information and our mutual families are on our way toward achievement. And there is work left to do for all of us.
Look Beyond Hypocrisy to Intention
What does this all have to do with relationships? Identifying someone’s actions as hypocritical and then acting as though we have made some significant discovery is unhealthy. There is some degree of hypocrisy in all of us, and often this is not created or done from a place of spite but from a place of confusion, chaos, being overwhelmed, or so many other undesirable states we may find ourselves in from day to day. The issue isn’t whether they are being hypocritical or not. The issues are:
- Do I believe in the integrity and intent of this person?
- Can I help them be successful?
It is clear a number of us are not interested in being helpful. If that is you, the opportunity to find the hypocrisy in another is ripe for your seizure. If helpfulness is the goal, let’s not simply rest at identifying hypocrisy but identify it as a request for help. And if you can see that request, you may be able to also fulfill it. And that’s loving.
Keep rising,
Frank Love
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
