The generally-accepted wisdom about unprotected sex is not to do it unless you’re in a monogamous relationship. Given the risks, I understand the logic and can see why this position is publicly endorsed and promoted. But I find the message incomplete. You’ll get no argument out of me that sexually-transmitted diseases exist, persist and can kill. But an honest dialogue requires that we admit a truth that often gets left out of the discussion: Unprotected sex feels better.
In case anyone actually needs proof, consider the fact that condoms are fairly easy to obtain (even for free at many public health clinics), and we live in a society where most people know at least the basics of what can happen without one. Yet, according to the Centers for Disease Control, “STDs are one of the most critical health challenges facing the nation today”. Their research indicates that 19 million new infections are reported every year in the U.S. – and it affects every social strata. Add to that the number of unwanted pregnancies and abortions, and it’s easy to conclude that people generally prefer unprotected sex.
So, why is this an important part of the conversation about safe sex? Because to make a well-rounded case against a certain action, you must honestly address not only the negative aspects of that action, but also the benefits. Otherwise, as soon as people discover the benefits, you’ve lost all credibility.
This is particularly important when we’re talking to our children. Teenagers have a way of thinking that everything they experience is new and unique, and that when it comes to the “fun” stuff in life (like drugs, alcohol and sex), their parents either don’t understand or aren’t telling them everything. Yes, a conversation about safe sex is important. But have the entire conversation. That means that when discussing the birds and the bees and STDs with your children, your students or whomever you’re trying to convince about the dangers of unprotected sex, tell them the whole truth. Otherwise, when they figure it out for themselves, you may no longer seem like a reliable source of information.
So, sure, promote safe sex. I am all for it. But tell the whole truth, which goes something like this: “Sex without a condom feels better and more intimate, but it’s not worth risking unwanted pregnancy, illness, infertility and even death. So, I strongly suggest that you use a condom if you’re going to have sex.”
It might not be the most comfortable conversation, but the truth and the ability to discuss it is Powerful.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.com
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38 comments
Mel F.
August 21, 2012 at 1:33 PM
You can but condoms that promote a more natural feel. Unless you cannot produce children, or had a vasecomy my advice is wear a damn condom.
Dr. Clifford
August 21, 2012 at 1:34 PM
I was born sterile, and so usually do not use one unless a woman is worried about it. The men who do it to me generally have no problem with doing me without as well. Ingesting body fluids through oral sex is a part of the Sacred Prostitution form of energy work that sets us up to provide the needed healing or empowerment through intercourse later on in the session. That being said, I do check (through Applied Kinesiology) to see if they have any STDs, and to see if I may be susceptible to it at that time. If they do, but I have no need to worry then we do without, but if I could be in danger of getting it then we use condoms and do a lesser form of healing work. So far, after 43 years of doing this work (I began when I was 14), I have never had an STD, and I doubt that I ever will. It pays to be careful. But, doing it without condoms definitely feels better.
Marrian E.
August 21, 2012 at 1:35 PM
Frank I agree, the message is not always clear about the why youth should practice abstinence or those the choose not to practice safe sex. A relevant message is for all ages Sharing all the facts place the responsibility on the person receiving the information to use it to make the best decision.
Mel F.
August 21, 2012 at 1:36 PM
I was going to add that part and for some reason when I hit the enter key it posted.
Lilithe M.
August 23, 2012 at 9:21 PM
Wow. Clifford, I would like to believe your method works, and you say you’ve never had an STI, but do you get yourself tested regularly? The truth of the matter is, you could be a carrier of an STI though you have never exhibited symptoms. If you are then turning around and having unprotected sex with others, then you are potentially passing those STI’s to others. To me this takes all of the sacredness out of the connection.
Dr. Clifford N. A.
August 23, 2012 at 9:21 PM
Of course I get tested. Only stupid people don’t.
Lilithe M.
August 23, 2012 at 9:22 PM
Just checking – it’s a very important piece of your claim that you never get STI’s – thanks for the response.
Mel F.
August 23, 2012 at 9:23 PM
I get tested as well And no kiddies. YAY *LOL*
Bex
August 23, 2012 at 9:24 PM
First of all, it is possible to protect yourself against STDs to a certain degree without using condoms. Secondly, after having conversations with a number of men, what I have discovered is that generally, the ones who believe that condoms dull sensation during sex and that sex without a condom “feels better” are the ones who slap one on the instant before penetration. Men who have learned to put a condom on early and “warm up” with it notice very little sensory difference.
As far as STIs go, since HPV is probably the most prevalent disease and there is no test available for men, it stands to reason that you have almost certainly had an STI – a majority of people are exposed to HPV in their lifetime. Most people’s immune system wins out over the virus. Some women get cervical cancer instead. I can understand fluid-bonding between regular partners, but pretending that just because you’ve been tested means you haven’t ever had or passed on an STI is dangerous misinformation.
Dr. Clifford N. A.
August 23, 2012 at 9:25 PM
Howdy Bex, you might want to take a course in Applied Kinesiology, and then you will know why I know that I am not pretending. And, as you say, there are many ways to beat these problems besides a condom. While I require the Sacred Prostitutes I train to get regular urine and blood tests, and I do so as well, I also teach them about the many herbal remedies that will kill any STI. Overall, pharmaceuticals are pretty useless against virus infections, but there are herbs that will kill any virus anywhere. We do this for people all the time, and don’t care what the fools in the AMA think about it. The only reason you don’t hear about it is that they try to suppress the information since they can’t patent it.
You may also want to meditate upon why it is best to not assume that you know everything, such as anyone else’s state of health, simply from your view of a discussion entry.
Mel F.
August 23, 2012 at 9:26 PM
Bex if there’s ecveb a hint of the chance of infection, I’ll wear the condom. There are condoms designed to increase sensation during intercourse. I will opt for that choice instead of wearing nothing at all. And I believe my lady partner would be a bit appreciative as well.
Bex
August 23, 2012 at 9:26 PM
One more time for those of you who missed it…
There is NO TEST for HPV that can be administered to men. You can get it, carry it, pass it on and NEVER know it. I couldn’t really care less what kind of protection you use, but please don’t spread the misinformation that “I got tested” means “I do not have and have never had any STI” because the two ARE NOT synonymous.
Mel F.
August 23, 2012 at 9:27 PM
Bex no-one is denying your concern, however you don’t need to be bombastic about it.
Dr. Clifford N. A.
August 23, 2012 at 9:27 PM
Bex, you can also use herbs to protect against getting STIs, and you can use a tincture of Lobelia to help you deal with your obvious problem with anxiety. Seriously, get a grip on yourself.
Lilithe M.
August 23, 2012 at 9:28 PM
Guys – her concern is perfectly valid, and it is serious stuff to mess with the health of other people. If you are so sure in your safety and the safety of the people you are having unprotected sex with, then there is no need for defensiveness and being snarky – I feel like you were defensive Clifford, when I asked about being tested – what is going on there for you?
Her point is VERY important, and this is a discussion where you proffered information about yourself and your practice, and it is not unnatural for us to share our very real concerns – and I think your clients deserve to know this aspect of what they are getting into – that though you test negative for all other STI’s, that HPV is untestable in men – especially when HPV causes cervical cancer. Some people’s immune systems might not be as strong to fight it off. I just hope you are fully transparent with your clients on this.
Dr. Clifford N. A.
August 23, 2012 at 9:29 PM
I don’t know of a single training program in this country that does not require it’s students to be tested, and the trainers to do so both for the safety of the students and as an example to them, and I’ll bet that you don’t either. And, I have also told you that the testing CAN be done if you use Applied Kinesiology to do it. I am not defensive. I’m tired of a conversation where people just don’t get that just because a Murder Doctor (What we traditional Cherokees call an MD) can’t test something does not mean that people who have been doing this work for thousands of years can’t do it. And, while pharmaceutical medicine can’t kill one tiny little virus we do so all the time, and usually just as soon as they enter our bodies since we eat and ingest what we need to be able to do so. Hell, the pharmaceutical crowds on records prove they kill more people through medical mismanagement every year than died during ten years of war in Viet Nam. Those people just think they are smart.
For example, a handful of green grapes (your handful) daily is the best defense you will ever have against STIs. It takes about a a month to build up your immune system, and works very well. Native Americans here, and Basques in Europe, have been using them this way for around 40,000 years. And, Elderberry will kill any virus on the face of the earth, and if it’s used with one other process, it will kill HIV, Ebola and Hanta as well.
Stop complaining about how I do things, which my clients all know and are advised to do as well, and check out Applied Kinesiology as you can know what is going on with a body within moments after it begins as compared to Medical Pseudo-Science that needs either months or 40% death of an organ or gland to be able to tell what is happening. For example. I am occasionally asked to check women to see if they got pregnant the night before (with their mates). If they are pregnant then I tell the sex of the baby, it’s hair color, eye color, and whether it will be born healthy, given a normal pregnancy, or not as well as how to correct it with either herbs or a lifestyle change if it is not. I have never missed on this.
So, check it out before jumping to the next assumption. This will change your lives for the better in so many ways.
Mel F.
August 23, 2012 at 9:30 PM
I believe her concerns are real however we should gear this discussion toward prevention and pro-active methods. As for me while having a condom might restrict certain things. I’ve stated before there are specially made condoms that will enhance the feeling plus lubes out there as well. No-one responded to that.
James S.
August 28, 2012 at 11:29 PM
Good points. There’s so much negative propaganda about unprotected sex and STI’s that it’s important to acknowledge some simple truths… that natural sex FEELS better physically, allows for deeper emotional bonding AND an increase in ecstatic energy flow between partners. Use condoms wisely, not blindly. There are ecstatic states of sexual/spiritual union that can only be found through natural intercourse.
And there have been many falsified reports and statistics about the transmission of STI’s, especially HIV over the past 20 years… even from apparently credible sources. It pays to dig deeper than the official story.
Thanks again for sharing.
James S.
August 28, 2012 at 11:29 PM
And for the record, I don’t always use condoms. I get tested 3 times/year and have never (thank god) had an STI. I practice other forms of protection though… spiritually and energetically. A lot can be said for the power of intention and intuition.
Dr. Clifford
August 28, 2012 at 11:30 PM
I muscle test every client, and put them through an interview and training process before we ever do anything, and that includes a diet that armors the body against STDs. And, James is right. Energy will protect you a lot better than condoms. For example, so research published a few years ago said that 1 out of every 100 women who have unprotected sex get pregnant, and that 1 out of every 100 women who use condoms on their men also get pregnant. If a condom ill allow a sperm cell to get through then the same size pore in the membrane is like a super highway for a virus.
I prefer the STD abbreviation to STI because STD is one of the abbreviations used by Christians for a Doctor of Sacred Theology degree.
Off to work. I have a book to finish about Sacred Prostitution.
Bex
August 28, 2012 at 11:31 PM
“For example, so research published a few years ago said that 1 out of every 100 women who have unprotected sex get pregnant, and that 1 out of every 100 women who use condoms on their men also get pregnant.”
I’d love to see a link to this study. Condoms don’t “allow sperm through” – when they are used properly, they are a barrier. When they aren’t used properly (put on wrong so the tip bursts, pulled off at the end of intercourse as he shrinks and doesn’t hold it in place properly when he pulls out, etc.) The only time sperm or a virus gets “through” a condom is if there is a hole in the condom, either put their on purpose or created by keeping it in less-than-idea conditions or using it past its expiry date.
I am getting increasingly frustrated and seriously disappointed with the vast amount of sexual health misinformation being spread around this group.
Mel F
August 28, 2012 at 11:32 PM
I for one will use a condom as often as possible. As far as pregnancy I cannot due to years of diabetes. I believe condoms, properly used are wonderful and yes there are those specially made for increased sensitivity.
James S
August 28, 2012 at 11:32 PM
Sounds like a scare tactic to me. I trust my instincts and intuition and have spent many years developing a clear connection to Source energy and working with my spirit guides. I trust this level of wisdom and guidance (even when it comes to sex) far more than the fear based mind. Fear begets more fear. And the power of loving intention combined with high spiritual awareness unlocks a creative power at the quantum level. I don’t expect many people to understand this approach and that’s ok. I do speak the truth based on my own experience and that of my clients.
Bex
August 28, 2012 at 11:33 PM
It makes me terribly sad that asking for and stating accepted scientific facts relating to sexual health and sexually transmitted infections has somehow made me a “fear monger.” Spreading misinformation about what STI testing means is not a “spiritually aware approach” that I just “don’t understand”. You can use whatever kind of protection you wish, energetic, physical, or otherwise. That doesn’t make it okay to write statements about STI testing that are factually false.
James S.
August 28, 2012 at 11:34 PM
What is the false statement/misinformation? That I’ve never had an STI, even though I’ve been tested? How do you know that is false? Even if there is no HPV test for men, I could still be making a true statement. You’ve put yourself in the fear monger position in my eyes.
Bex
August 28, 2012 at 11:34 PM
Because a statement “could” be true doesn’t make it so. You cannot possibly know if you have ever had HPV (and since most people in the word come in to contact with it regularly, the odds are not in your favour). You can’t state something is true when you can’t possibly know that it is. Telling someone that you know for a fact you have never been in contact with HPV is a falsehood.
Dr. Clifford
August 28, 2012 at 11:35 PM
Don’t worry about it James. Bex is paranoid as hell about HPV. She gets tripped out over it in just about every discussion she is in. If she has it then she needs to use Elderberry Concentrate in conjunction with Urine Therapy to get over it.
Bex
August 28, 2012 at 11:36 PM
I’m sorry. Can you please point to one other conversation I’ve been in where I have even mentioned HPV?
I am not paranoid or “tripped out”. I don’t care what kind of protection you use or don’t use, but if sex workers of all people can’t have honest, factual discussions with each other about the prevalence and testing for STIs, how on earth can we have those discussions with our clients, our lovers, and those we train?
If you prefer to speak falsehoods to your clients than admit that you don’t know everything there is to know about STIs, that’s your business. Good luck with that.
James S.
August 28, 2012 at 11:36 PM
Because a statement “could be” false, doesn’t make it so. It also doesn’t make it “misinformation.” I’ve educated myself on HPV and every other STI from medical professionals at my local STI center. I fully disclose my practices and they are very supportive of me and my work. I have never had one client come back to me claiming that I’ve passed anything on to them. And I have female client’s that have seen me regularly for over 2 years. I’m done with this conversation. lol
Dr. Clifford
August 28, 2012 at 11:37 PM
Bex, just because it is the same thread does not change the fact that the conversation was had and ended until you decided to harp on it some more. And, you have no clue what i tell my clients in the six week training I require every new client to take. And, you never will as you will not be one.
I’m with James on this one being over.
Bex
August 28, 2012 at 11:38 PM
I wouldn’t have brought it up again if someone else hadn’t made the exact same misleading statement. If you really wish to end this conversation by shouting me down and claiming that I am being irrational and overly emotional, when you are the ones making statements not based in fact, then so be it. I’ll consider myself lucky not to be considered ignorant enough to join the ranks of those willing to believe blindly in faith rather than take science, health and rational argument seriously.
Ciao.
Jill
August 28, 2012 at 11:38 PM
Birth control and condoms for sure. Unless the couple is married and ready to conceive. It’s an obvious answer. Maybe you wanted a more depthy one, however that is how I see it.:)
Lilithe
August 28, 2012 at 11:39 PM
Clifford and James – I really find your methods interesting and worthy for further study. If there is truth to your claims, and confidence behind them, then there is no need to gang up on Bex or name call. Her information is valuable, and worth discussing in an adult manner, but instead both of you are writing her off as unstable and fear mongering. These kind of response tactics do no instill trust in me, and as a client, I would avoid both of you merely for the toxic attitudes and ignoring science.
Dismissing very valuable and important information and the person delivering it, just because you don’t believe it, does not make it false, nor does it make Bex illogical, it merely makes you both look defensive, which for me puts your methods in doubt. I would like to believe your methods, but I since you have both put them up here for conversation, then I suggest you be open to discuss your methods, rather than defend them so offhandedly. If you weren’t prepared for that discussion, or question about your methods, than I recommend you keep it to yourself.
Otherwise, you could help usher ALL of us into new and progressive ways of dealing with STI’s by being positive and discussing the concerns of other sex workers and scientists in this group. So far, you have only furthered my fear, and perhaps the fear of others – your defensiveness instills more fear in me than does Bex’s science.
Lilithe
August 28, 2012 at 11:39 PM
I would also like to add, that it would be wonderful if you two shared your methods more in depth – if your methods work, then it would be a boon to public health. Otherwise, other folks might take your claims as “well I can do this too” without proper methodology and intuitive protection which can be a danger to them and those they have barrier free sex with. I am more likely to believe your methods if you are willing to share them freely rather than just charge money for them.
Mel
August 28, 2012 at 11:40 PM
Why can’t we poll our resources here? I’ll bet we could all come up with something that could even be professionally published. Wouldn’t that be great?
Bex v
September 28, 2012 at 7:42 PM
And more great info!
http://jezebel.com/5946480/rethinking-the-blow-job-condoms-or-gonorrhea-take-your-pick
“The adaptive nature of the gonococcus, coupled with the prevalence of unprotected oral sex, all but insures that drug-resistant gonorrhea will eventually take root in the general heterosexual population,” Groopman warns, adding that “Whatever freedoms were won during the sexual revolution, bacterial evolution promises soon to constrain.”
Mel F
September 28, 2012 at 7:44 PM
Nex makes a great point here. As far as sexual revolution? When did that happen? If this actually did occur, then why do we still have these same problems today? The so called revolution, in my opinion was jsy another counter culture movement that didn’t last, because those same people are more than likely slightly conservative on sexual matters.
Mel F
September 28, 2012 at 7:45 PM
hey, no need to fight over the methodology. We’re all trying to reach a consensus here, and the drama doesn’t help. In my opinion we should be assisting people in discovering common sense solutions to these issues, and that should be the main focal point