In my previous blog, “Anti-Frustration Techniques,” we looked at some helpful techniques for reducing the frustration we sometimes feel in our loving relationships. Today’s blog post examines a topic that continually frustrates me, partners that come to their relationships with dealbreakers.
A loving culture in a relationship is one where the parties act and function with an understanding that:
- We are here to take care of one another.
- The act of loving is greater than the euphoria associated with love.
- There is a value that can be extracted when both parties share information and consult with one another that cannot be harvested if we work as individuals.
- The parties act out of love because it is what is best for the relationship and the individuals.
Deal breakers are predetermined circumstances under which we will or be less loving in our relationship if they occur. Deal breakers are not a part of a loving culture.
Many relationship experts advocate for couples to discuss their deal breakers. I have not encountered a single expert say anything to the contrary. This makes my take on deal breakers an outlying perspective.
If you have been plugged into Frank Love for some time, you already know where this post is going. If you aren’t a regular reader, you may want to check out one of my videos, “The Act of Caring.” In it, I suggest that we eliminate all deal breakers.
This concept was also discussed in greater depth during a recent presentation that I made, at IKG’s Wisdom Wednesday. You might want to check that out, too. The talk was pretty spirited.
If we are invested in creating a loving culture in our relationships, practice and be able to say “I love you and am with you, no matter what you do.” This is not an easy task when we are rooted in our ego, and most of us are. However, it is very easy when we let go of our ego and focus on what we wish to create. Particularly when it’s a loving culture.
A surefire way to bother another human being from time to time is to be in a relationship with them. We will inevitably cause our partner hurt and pain. We will disappoint our partners. After looking at the anatomy of every relationship that I’ve been in, I can safely say that this is a truth. I have experienced all of the aforementioned in all of them. And I believe that my partner has too.
The acceptance that bother, pain and disappointment are natural parts of a relationship means that we don’t have to be or act blind-sided when they occur. We will simply experience those issues, deal with them, and resolve them. Of course, this is easier said than done (and so is everything else). Yet the work is intrinsic to the vulnerability that is required to be successful in creating a relationship that is steeped in loving one another.
“Love doesn’t hurt.” I’ve seen this quote. It sounds good and it’s not true. Instilling discipline in ourselves, our children, and possibly our partners is form of being loving. It can be uncomfortable and may hurt. Giving birth – a possible form of being loving – may hurt. The ability to hear our partners share something uncomfortable with us, a form of being loving, may hurt.
Instead of attempting to avoid the inevitable, painful experiences in our relationships through threats to our partner, let’s assure them that we are on their team and we’ll work through whatever issues arise as they come – together.
Each of us (in loving relationships) has an obligation to ourselves and to our partners to take care of one another. We do not have the option of being reckless or careless. This means that conducting ourselves in ways that we can foresee would be bothersome to our partners is something that is not done haphazardly.
It is also strongly suggested that we pay attention to our frailties, as well as our partner’s. We can express our fears to our partners, and our partners can express theirs to us. My prayer is that both parties will be heard with love.
I do not suggest that we cannot be blindsided by issues and experiences that will lead to us to walk away from our relationships. It would be impossible to see this future. However, we do not have to be afraid of those possibilities today. We can deal with them if they occur.
If deal breakers already exist in our relationship, let’s reconsider their placement and the need for them. In fact, let’s apologize for creating them in the first place.
“I apologize for suggesting that there is anything that I can foresee that would lead me to leave you. As far as I can see now, I am with you no matter what you do.” Let’s consider making a powerful statement of this nature to our partners. They most likely want to hear it; and our ability to say it can be very loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
In my next blog post, “My Marriage Is a Continual Attempt to Live an HGTV Life,” I will discuss how some loving relationships get distracted from being able to appreciate what’s right in front of them and what can be done about that.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays—Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays—Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
