What do we really mean when we accuse someone of cheating? What do we assume when we call someone an adulterer? An examination of the language we use and the assumptions we hold reveals much about our biases; and our tendencies to judge other people and their relationships. I want to first deconstruct the language in order to explore some alternatives and a different way of framing the conversation. Let’s start by exploring some basic definitions.
The formal definition of cheating, “to practice fraud or deceit; to violate rules or regulations,” underscores a significant point, the necessity for rules or an agreement between two parties in order for cheating to exist. Now, ask yourself, when you know of someone having sex with someone other than their partner, do you instantly assume it to be cheating? Is this a fair assumption to make without any knowledge of the rules or agreement between the two people in question?
Unfaithful is defined as “false to duty, obligation, or promises.” These terms all imply agreements with other parties. When I think of the duty of a police officer or firefighter, it is clear that these individuals all have formal job descriptions, and they take oaths that clearly outline how they are to conduct themselves. Their agreement is with the authorizing body that empowers them to conduct their job. So, like with the word cheating, in order to be unfaithful there has to be a violation or breach of an agreement between two parties. We can ask again, is it a fair accusation to call someone unfaithful without understanding the nature of the relationship?
The words used to define infidelity, are “marital disloyalty; adultery; a breach of trust; transgression.” Each of these definitions, with the exception of adultery and transgression, raise the same question about the nature of the agreement between the two parties. In the case of adultery, or “voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse,” I am compelled to ask:
Is it adultery:
- If a person has sex with someone outside of their marriage and their spouse knows about it and agrees to it?
- If a person has been estranged (but not divorced) from their mate for 10 years and has sex with a different person?
- If two people are legally married and agree, without a divorce, to terminate their relationship, and have sexual relationships with other people.
According to the dictionary definition, in each of the above cases, adultery has been committed. Yet, I am sure that if the friends who would normally be outraged at the person who committed adultery, knew the circumstances of the relationships, they would care little if any, unless their position was religiously based. Furthermore, few people would call the active party an adulterer in these scenarios. Why? Because to call someone an adulterer is really a statement intended to communicate the scorn, shame, and judgment that we wish for the “offending party” to feel in most cases. Take away the offense, and the desire to label the same act disappears.
To be continued in Assumptions, Judgments and Lack of Imagination – Part II
…and please do not multi-task when driving.
