Relationships are critical. Mankind was not created to be a solitary species. We grow and learn by interacting with others, and our romantic partnerships can be the most fulfilling and the most challenging of all. Often, the greatest challenge can be the power struggle – over “who wears the pants” or whose interests get served by each “mutual” decision. Fighting battles where someone wins and someone has to “compromise” can be exhausting. And it can wreak havoc on a partnership.
If we intend to have partnerships where there is peace and mutual respect, we must create environments that invite others to interact with us while still being true to who we are and what we want. The key to striking this balance is not to gain more power over your partner so that you can win more arguments. It is to embrace the power that you have as an individual, adult human being to chart your own course – and to empower your mate to do the same.
A Powerful Person in a Partnership understands and accepts these four basic premises of romantic relationships:
-
To thine own self be true. We are all individuals before we are partners. Even when we are in relationships, our individual wants and needs continue to guide us. Many of us play altruistic, sacrificial or religious so that we can appear to be self-less. Hogwash. The most fundamental reason that you do what you do is because it benefits you – even if only to validate your view of yourself as someone who is self-less. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care about what your partner wants. I care about my mate’s feelings, but I am responsible for mine first. And her first responsibility is to herself – to create the life she wants to live. While we may often come to compromises in our relationship, we do not compromise ourselves. To do so would undermine our individual happiness and therefore the enjoyment each of us gets from the relationship.
-
Don’t take away your partner’s power. If you can accept that you are in it for you, you must also accept that your partner has the same inclination and right. Instead of taking it personally when our mates protect their interests along the way, accepting and respecting this without anger or jealously makes us more powerful. It shows that we are self-empowered enough to know that our partners’ desires and needs are not always about us. And it shows our mates that we love them enough to let them be themselves, which makes us more attractive partners.
-
Take responsibility for your own life. Once we can accept that our personal interests guide us, we can uncover the unique ways that we attempt to manipulate the people in our lives. If you want someone to do something but are unwilling to reveal what you get out of it, you are being manipulative. A Powerful Person in a Partnership will self-assess, adjust and carry the responsibility of manifesting whatever he/she wants in a relationship without manipulation. Instead, chart your own course and pick a mate who is well-suited for the journey.
-
Be prepared to walk away. Everything and everyone changes. Sometimes, we change in a way that makes our current partnerships less attractive than before. And that’s OK. You only have one life. Live it. A Powerful Person in a Partnership will gracefully, lovingly and appreciatively accept and respect his/her partner’s decision to walk away. Doing so can be hard, especially if one person doesn’t want the relationship to end. But if we truly want our mates to be empowered, we will want them to do whatever makes them happy. Even if it never comes to that, the knowledge that you could lose one another can strengthen your bond. When I kiss my mate goodbye each morning, I do so knowing that it could be our last. Death could take her or that she might take her stuff and go before I get home. This makes me appreciate the kiss (and the woman) even more.
This issue is at the heart of all of my blogs (and my forthcoming book). My goal is always to help you, my reader, become a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. So, if you want to learn more about how this applies to your relationship, keep reading.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.com
PS: To become a Frank Love sponsor you can make a one-time contribution or contribute monthly by clicking on the amount you’d like to donate each month: $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $35, $50, $75, $100, $200 or $500.
…and please do not multi-task when driving.
67 comments
Charles A.
April 13, 2011 at 11:19 PM
If any person in a relationship (I deal with triads, triangles, and other alternative families as well as couples) comes across to the others as being more powerful, we aren’t talking about love, we are talking about attraction – which wears off with time. Each and every person in a successful, long-term relationship much be powerful and be seen as being powerful by all.
We each bring special skills, abilities, talents and experience into our relationships and these can sometimes be seen as making one person more powerful than another but if the relationship is worked on, it will become clear to all that their relationship is like a diamond, far more beautiful when it is cut and polished and each facet, each talent or ability, helps make the relationship stronger.
Posted by
Boyd L.
April 13, 2011 at 11:20 PM
Enjoyed your article, as usual, Frank. Thank you.
Roberta Budvietas
April 14, 2011 at 2:47 PM
And live one day at a time. You and I love the same quotes. Thanks for the info. Enjoyed the post.
Diane Tomkin, R.D., C,D.N.
April 14, 2011 at 6:50 PM
Great article. I agree that relationships are not about power, control or manipulation. While mutual respect and compromise are important components in a healthy relationship, one cannot lose his or her own sense of self and individuality nor compromise their own goals and ambitions. This may be a difficult balance to strike for some.
Verdie
April 15, 2011 at 5:24 PM
Saved as a favorite, I enjoy your blog! 🙂
Don’t Take a Chance on Love | Frank Love
April 20, 2011 at 12:09 PM
[…] Love, in its many shapes and forms, can be rewarding for so many different reasons. When we get into “committed” relationships, it is only permanence that we are risking, not love. The love part happens on its own and requires nothing from the people involved except that they feel it. The only reason things get risky (and therefore scary) is because of expectations around permanence. If you open yourself up to a relationship, you will experience joy and you may also experience pain. But if you aren’t expecting permanence, the pain will be minimal. And if you are hoping for it, that’s OK too. Just don’t hold it against love if it doesn’t work out. Understanding this distinction will help you become a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
How to Abuse Yourself and Blame Others | Frank Love
April 24, 2011 at 10:50 PM
[…] So, as you weigh your candidates for partnership, consider this: If there is a sign (or signs) that tell you this dog bites or this partner hits, stay out of the yard. And if you insist on blaming someone for what Katie characterizes as your abuse of you, blame yourself. It sounds harsh, I know, but coming to that realization now could save you a world of hurt (and possibly an even worse fate) down the road. And understanding this concept of self-abuse will take you one step closer to being a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Wedding-Day Advice for the Royal Couple | Frank Love
April 29, 2011 at 1:47 AM
[…] I wish for the two of you whatever you wish for yourselves. And I hope that you each choose to become a Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
I’ve Got Lots of Women | Frank Love
May 9, 2011 at 4:21 PM
[…] Yesterday was Mother’s Day, so I’m going to take a break from writing about romantic relationships and instead spend some time thanking the many women in my life. And I suggest you consider doing the same. Nothing makes a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt or any other woman feel more special than to know that she is appreciated. Gratitude is, after all, the reason for this season (which includes Father’s Day next month). And letting the people you appreciate know how much you value them makes you a Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
sunnymuse
May 11, 2011 at 8:36 AM
Beautiful content. Your 4 cornerstones are the balm and the direction humanity is moving. YAHOO! Keep loving!
chaka
May 11, 2011 at 9:55 AM
Frank: again,shows some wisdom not usually found in a person of your scant years ! go hed) with your bad self !
Men and Women: We’re in it Together | Frank Love
May 16, 2011 at 12:23 PM
[…] what to do or that you should not make decisions that are in your own best interest. But being a Powerful Person in a Partnership means being aware of how what we are going through affects others – and understanding that […]
Arnold and Maria: Does Their Split Really Concern You? | Frank Love
May 19, 2011 at 11:22 PM
[…] So, let’s let politicians off the hook. Accepting that they are only human and that human relationships often end (without any need for blame or judgment) is a step towards doing the same for ourselves – and a step towards being a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Arnold and Maria (Part II): A Wildly Successful Relationship | Frank Love
May 24, 2011 at 10:55 PM
[…] Understanding that success is in the eye of the beholder, especially when it comes to relationships, is yet another way to be a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
The Manipulative Nature of Public Proposals | Frank Love
June 1, 2011 at 4:07 PM
[…] After all, understanding that our partners want what they want as much as we want what we want is the very foundation of being a Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
The Beauty of Conflict | Frank Love
June 5, 2011 at 11:12 PM
[…] And though they are undoubtedly critical skills for leaders, they also apply to the “Powerful Person in a Partnership.” Here’s how Fried’s advice applies to romantic […]
Frank Love on Satoshi Kanazawa’s Comparison of Black Women to Women of Other Races | Frank Love
June 15, 2011 at 11:23 AM
[…] Appreciating your mate’s willingness to talk to you and present potentially sensitive information will make you a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Introducing Yasmin: The Story of a Warm Smile and Acknowledgement | Frank Love
June 20, 2011 at 1:54 PM
[…] Acknowledging other people and making them feel valuable will assuredly make you a Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
A Message to the Father’s Day Council | Frank Love
June 27, 2011 at 1:32 AM
[…] of each of you. Because of the love, sensitivity and patience that you constantly show me, you are Powerful People in your Partnerships with […]
Relationship Wisdom from Aretha Franklin | Frank Love
July 14, 2011 at 12:02 AM
[…] the opportunity to chat. Her nugget of wisdom sounds like the fourth step in my system for being a Powerful Person in a Partnership – Be prepared to walk away. Maybe she has been reading Frank Love […]
A Tip About Relationship Dynamics | Frank Love
July 21, 2011 at 3:10 PM
[…] Even worse is when we expect our partners to do things they never agreed to in the first place – either because of societal norms, or things past partners have done for us, or what our mothers did for our fathers. Your mate is not your mother, your ex-boyfriend or the leading man in a romantic comedy. He/she may or may not care to fulfill the expectations you bring into the relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a successful relationship. If you let those things go for the sake of what you do get out of the partnership with this person, perhaps you can negotiate a fair “exchange” with your mate for providing some of the “services” you’d like. Just be sure to sure to communicate about it up front, rather than expecting a “tip.” Doing so will make you a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Get More Done at Home Without Hurting Yourself or Your Relationship | Frank Love
July 29, 2011 at 10:08 AM
[…] make a difference in our son’s academic life. But having realized that this is not how a Powerful Person in a Partnership behaves, I instead suggested that we brainstorm about how to keep his mind churning without killing […]
To Snoop or Not to Snoop on Your Partner | Frank Love
August 4, 2011 at 11:21 PM
[…] Back to the question at hand: To snoop or not to snoop? That’s a decision we must all make for ourselves. But I choose to refrain and truly believe that this strategy promotes my happiness, as well as that of my mate and family, and that it makes me a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Having Less Pain in the … Relationship | Frank Love
August 13, 2011 at 1:55 PM
[…] If you can live with what your mate has done (or might do) you’re well on your way to suffering less in the long run. Know that it probably didn’t hurt as much as you remember (that’s just your brain playing tricks on you) and that you’ve practiced and braced yourself so that you can be a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Parenting: A Selfish Act | Frank Love
August 17, 2011 at 9:27 PM
[…] Absolutely not. We’re just selfish … just like everyone else. The first step to being a Powerful Person in a Partnership is: “To thine own self be true.” In being true to yourself, you have the opportunity to […]
Married Couples are NOT Necessarily Happier | Frank Love
August 22, 2011 at 2:18 PM
[…] If you are considering marriage and are getting advice from well-meaning friends and family members, understand that every relationship is an experiment. There are so many variables involved in your future and that of your mate that it is impossible to guarantee much of anything. Listen to advice and consider how it might apply to you, but at the end of the day, it’s your decision how to move forward. You know better than anyone else what you want and need to be happy. Make the best decision that you can with the information you have, and if you say “I do,” accept that there are no guarantees in love. Doing so will make you a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Verbal Abuse: The Whole Truth | Frank Love
August 31, 2011 at 12:50 PM
[…] Either way, knowledge is power. And the more you know about yourself, the easier it will be for you to become a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
What is Marriage? | Frank Love
September 9, 2011 at 3:41 PM
[…] together, even if fewer people are walking down the aisle. I respect that, believe this makes me a Powerful Person in a Partnership. But I may be in the minority. How do you define marriage? Please don’t open the dictionary […]
Abuse or a Learning Experience: You Pick | Frank Love
September 17, 2011 at 11:05 PM
[…] contrast, you can choose to be a Powerful Person – and know that unless your partner is holding you physically captive, you can change your […]
Adult-Child Anger When Parents Divorce | Frank Love
September 24, 2011 at 9:57 AM
[…] the primary players. Show as much compassion as possible and stay out of their stuff. After all, a Powerful Person in a Partnership understands that we must all be true to ourselves first and foremost … and that includes your […]
In the Morning: A Request of Support | Frank Love
September 29, 2011 at 10:25 AM
[…] sincere hope that our collective efforts can jumpstart her dream, and that her project will inspire Powerful Partnerships all over the […]
Rape or Regretted Sex? | Frank Love
October 5, 2011 at 11:01 PM
[…] will attempt to guilt or manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, but you are a smart, Powerful Person. When it comes to sex and consent, be willing to talk to and work with your partner. After all, a […]
You Don’t Have to “Change the World” | Frank Love
October 12, 2011 at 7:00 PM
[…] honest that I still smile when I read it. It gets to the heart of my first step to being a Powerful Person in a Partnership: “To thine own self be […]
The Beauty of Hank Williams’ “Obama” Comment | Frank Love
October 17, 2011 at 12:44 AM
[…] it is doubtful they will do so for us. Without being our authentic selves, we will never become the Powerful People we’re capable of […]
What’s the Difference Between Settling and Compromising? | Frank Love
November 6, 2011 at 10:09 PM
[…] new, not because you made a “bad” decision or took a raw deal. There’s nothing Powerful about that way of […]
Providing Value in Relationships | Frank Love
November 29, 2011 at 9:45 PM
[…] To become a Frank Love sponsor and set up your monthly contribution, please click on the amount you’d like to donate: $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $35, $50, $75, $100, $200 or $500. Together, we can learn and grow in our ability to be more Powerful People in Partnerships. […]
How to Avoid “Relationship Debt” | Frank Love
December 4, 2011 at 9:11 PM
[…] The bottom line: If your union cannot afford it, don’t buy it. Otherwise, the credit card bills that come in January will be a wonderful reminder of the need to assess or re-assess priorities and expenses. But by then, the damage will have been done. This is a tough pill for many American families, including mine, to swallow. But avoiding that important conversation and reality today means a doubly-difficult conversation in the future. A good reality check and a rainy-day fund help each of us to be Powerful People in Partnerships. […]
Celebrity Marriages: Why Do We Care? | Frank Love
December 6, 2011 at 12:10 AM
[…] for a while and eventually drift apart. My goal, and maybe your’s (if you want to be a Powerful Person in a Partnership) is to figure out what makes me happy, not what makes my favorite actor or athlete or anyone else […]
Where to Find a Good Man | Frank Love
December 12, 2011 at 12:07 AM
[…] Finally, make sure it’s someone who will do the same for you, because we both know that you aren’t all sunshine and roses either. You want to be accepted, too, right? Knowing yourself – your motivations, frailties and unpopular characteristics – can be a great catalyst for humility when assessing others. And it can also land you in a Powerful Partnership. […]
A Perspective Against “Manning Up” | Frank Love
December 27, 2011 at 11:44 AM
[…] are and what they want, even when what we want is at stake. Remember, the second step to being a Powerful Person in a Partnership is: Don’t take away your partner’s […]
The Most Important Decision You Will Ever Make | Frank Love
January 2, 2012 at 10:40 AM
[…] Bottom line: The decision to marry and/or have children with someone is a serious one. Trust me, the courts take it seriously and will try to make sure you do too. But if you tell yourself that it is the biggest test of adulthood, and that choosing “incorrectly” means screwing up your life, you are only serving to make yourself more anxious and fearful, and more likely to stay in an unhappy union to avoid admitting “failure.” Instead, consider the freedom that comes from understanding that the best (or most important) decision may still be yet to come, and that all you have to do is make the best possible decisions for yourself with the information that you do have. A resolve of this nature will assuredly make you a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
What Do We Find Attractive in the Opposite Sex | Frank Love
January 9, 2012 at 10:05 AM
[…] you get the dating results that you get. And adjust (or don’t) as you see fit. That sounds Powerful to […]
Why I Suspect My Partner is Cheating on Me | Frank Love
January 22, 2012 at 12:40 PM
[…] Why might people suspect their partners of cheating? Simply put, because they are scared of what that would say about them. Change the conversation, fortify yourself, and the fear will go away. And in the end you will most assuredly by a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Married and ‘Single’ Parenting | Frank Love on Relationships
February 19, 2012 at 9:49 PM
[…] Remember, being true to yourself and allowing your mate to do the same are the first steps to being a Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
In Defense of a Former Stripper | Frank Love on Relationships
February 28, 2012 at 11:55 AM
[…] anyone else, and to shamelessly pursue what makes her happy. These, in fact, are the makings of a Powerful Person in a Partnership. I have no disrespect for Draya because of the choices she has made (choices, incidentally, that […]
Who Says I Have to be Happy? | Frank Love on Relationships
March 4, 2012 at 7:22 PM
[…] that your values have changed. Hey, it happens to the best of us. And in order to be an accepting, Powerful Person in a Partnership, I would never ask my mate to cement her values in order to make me feel more safe and secure. Her […]
Selfish vs. Selfless: What’s the Difference? | Frank Love on Relationships
March 12, 2012 at 12:49 AM
[…] the reception our decisions will get and just hope that we will be accepted anyway. When you are a Powerful Person in a Partnership, you are both selfish and selfless, because you are true to yourself while also accepting your […]
Not-So-Random Acts of Love | Frank Love on Relationships
March 26, 2012 at 7:00 AM
[…] Having the right support system in place can help us show those who mean the most to us how much they matter. And that’s Powerful. […]
Are Relationships Sacred? | Frank Love on Relationships
April 23, 2012 at 1:30 AM
[…] Is your relationship or some aspect of it too sacred to discuss? Perhaps it would hurt too much if the two of you were to analyze or change it? Or, maybe you had a discussion, considered the matter closed, and made it clear that you never want to revisit it. But if there is something you believe to be set in stone, remember this: Stone breaks. It is just the nature of working with someone else. An understanding of this is both flexible and Powerful. […]
Appearance Matters | Frank Love on Relationships
April 30, 2012 at 10:03 AM
[…] If you did, seeing you like that would become status quo. What I’m suggesting is that you be and look like yourself (however you are comfortable doing so) most of the time, but shake it up with a fresh style from […]
What is Relationship Consciousness? | Frank Love on Relationships
May 7, 2012 at 1:36 AM
[…] There is no formula that works for every relationship. Some people want their partners to make the hard decisions. Other people enjoy being in charge. And others prefer a 50/50, team approach to decision-making. It all depends on the two individuals involved. Relationship consciousness is simply the ability to reach decisions without frequent conflict. That’s pretty Powerful. […]
When Partners Do Things We Do Not Like | Frank Love on Relationships
May 14, 2012 at 10:04 AM
[…] with you, and weigh the feedback you provide. I also discover more about what it takes to be Powerful Person in a Partnership. And I have learned that it all really boils down to two things: acceptance and […]
What is Important to Me? | Frank Love on Relationships
May 27, 2012 at 11:18 PM
[…] Sometimes, our egos can get us into trouble just for the sake of stirring up trouble, whereas keeping our minds focused on what really matters to us is more likely to make everyone happy. And that’s pretty Powerful. […]
How Bad Was Bobby Brown? | Frank Love on Relationships
May 27, 2012 at 11:25 PM
[…] When we examine other people’s relationships and what we believe about them, we have a rich opportunity to grow clearer about our biases, our own ways of filling in stories without clear information and details. It’s not easy to avoid the temptation of assuming. But you can do it. You’re Powerful. […]
Turf Wars | Frank Love on Relationships
June 11, 2012 at 3:56 AM
[…] husband’s desire to avoid company is not to control or isolate his wife, it would be wise and Powerful for her to accept his preference. As long as she isn’t inviting her friend over to irritate […]
The Blaming of You | Frank Love on Relationships
June 17, 2012 at 7:52 PM
[…] So, as you take a look at the level of harshness with which you levy judgment on others (especially your partner), consider what lens you are looking through (e.g., your bias). Conditioning yourself not to do the natural thing – play the blame game – goes a long way towards making you a more Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Take Her to a “Chick-Flick” | Frank Love on Relationships
June 24, 2012 at 11:14 PM
[…] Well, gentlemen, it worked for me. My mate was still giddy when we got home, earning me a great meal and an outstanding foot rub. I hope it works for you. Those little efforts that show you are listening and picking up on unspoken cues are Powerful. […]
What Gets You in the Mood? | Frank Love on Relationships
July 2, 2012 at 11:56 AM
[…] And as always, here is to you being a Powerful Person in a Partnership. […]
Memories of Relationships Past | Frank Love on Relationships
July 16, 2012 at 12:13 AM
[…] from a third party, or inspiration from old photos or letters. That’s OK. The experience is Powerful, and so are […]
Unprotected Sex Feels Better | Frank Love on Relationships
August 12, 2012 at 4:55 AM
[…] It might not be the most comfortable conversation, but the truth and the ability to discuss it is Powerful. […]
Chris Bosh and Allison Mathis: Having It In Writing Might Have Helped | Frank Love on Relationships
August 12, 2012 at 9:54 PM
[…] love. In fact, the ability for the two of you to sit down and iron out all of these issues makes a Powerful statement about the likelihood you’ll have a future together that includes successful […]
Kudos to Kudrow | Frank Love on Relationships
September 3, 2012 at 11:26 AM
[…] So, to Lisa Kudrow, I say, “Nice job.” She has taken a step to empower those of us who may judge our life and decisions based on other people telling us to take risks. She has instead encouraged us to act when we feel safe doing so … as we may see it. And that’s pretty Powerful. […]
Standards vs. Expectations | Frank Love on Relationships
September 16, 2012 at 11:53 PM
[…] The truth is that everyone has and respects standards. Knowing yourself and what you want is Powerful and attractive. But unless the object of your interest is a mind-reader, you may have to […]
Rape or Regretted Sex? | Frank Love on Relationships
December 22, 2012 at 7:43 PM
[…] will attempt to guilt or manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, but you are a smart, Powerful Person. When it comes to sex and consent, be willing to talk to and work with your partner. After all, a […]
Gay Marriage: Look it Up | Frank Love on Relationships
December 22, 2012 at 7:58 PM
[…] Powerful Person accepts other people. I am certainly willing to accept people and their sexual preferences. Their […]
How Other People Can Ruin Your Relationship | Frank Love on Relationships
December 22, 2012 at 8:03 PM
[…] Who cares what your friends wouldn’t “put up with”? If something makes you happy, even though it wouldn’t make someone else happy, or if there’s something that doesn’t bother you even though it would bother other people in the same situation, so what? Choosing your own path in life (and love) is Powerful. […]
Inheritance Matters | Frank Love on Relationships
January 21, 2016 at 12:02 AM
[…] you can divide assets evenly. But however you decide to handle it … just handle it. Doing so is a Powerful way to protect and care for your family, even after you’re […]