How to shatter the illusion of responsibility towards being really responsible.
In my previous blog post, “I’m Happy to Serve,” we talked about bringing an attitude of service to your loving relationships.
In the world of self-awareness and personal growth, some of us have embraced the powerful mantra: “I am the sole creator of every circumstance in my life.” It is a serious claim of accountability—a declaration that I own my experiences, choices, and outcomes.
Many of us claim that we are responsible, while being anything but. We can even claim that we are responsible while blaming others. “I messed up because I chose the wrong person,” is a great one. We believe we’re responsible. We think we’re owning our misstep. But what’s really happening is something much more subtle: we’re actually blaming someone else through the backdoor.
We’re not fully sitting with our own contribution to the given situation. Instead, we’re pointing a quiet finger at the other person—labeling them as “wrong,” “messed up,” or “bad.” That’s not being responsible. That’s being irresponsible.
The Backdoor Blame Game
It sounds like this:
- “I shouldn’t have married them.”
- “I shouldn’t have gone into business with them.”
- “I knew better, but I ignored the signs.”
These statements are dressed up to look like self-awareness, but they’re still rooted in negative judgment of someone else. This mindset subtly pushes us away from being responsible; and instead casts blame on another. It suggests that if the other individual had just been different, things would have worked out.
However, being responsible isn’t about identifying other people’s wrongness or labeling people as wrong or their decisions as mistakes. It’s about understanding ourselves, and seeing how we can be different, and more effective.
Radical Ownership: A New Way to Reflect
If we want to truly embrace being responsible, we can change the narrative.
“At that time in my life, what mattered most to me was ___________. Based on that, I chose this person.”
That’s it.
No blame. No judgment.
This reframing allows us to explore what we were valuing, believing, or even avoiding at that moment in time. It becomes less about whether the other person was good or bad, and more about us.
It Wasn’t a Mistake: Recognizing Growth in Motion
One of the most liberating shifts we can make is to stop labeling past choices as “mistakes.” When we say something was a mistake, we’re subtly shaming ourselves for not knowing what we didn’t know. But if we look closer, most of us made the best decision we could with the information and awareness we had at the time. That’s not failure. That’s growth.
When looking back on a relationship or partnership that didn’t work out, let’s try viewing it as a perfect reflection of who we were at the time—not something we need to beat ourselves up about. That choice, presumably, helped us grow. It brought us to where we are right now.
Getting Honest Without Blame
How do we get real with ourselves without blaming ourselves—or anyone else?
We ask deeper questions:
- What was I really seeking at that moment?
- What values or insecurities shaped my decision?
- What did I learn about myself through this experience?
- These questions are rooted in curiosity, not criticism. They open the door to authentic insight instead of judgment or regret.
Responsibility Isn’t About Guilt
Instead of saying, “I picked the wrong person,” try:
Let’s be clear: Responsibility is not about guilt. It’s not about saying, “It’s all my fault.” It’s about owning our presence and contribution. And that’s not just empowering, that’s insightful.
When we let go of the need to make ourselves or others “wrong,” we reclaim our curiosity. We can stop seeing ourselves as victims of our past and can start seeing ourselves as active participants of it and in our present.
Shifting From Blame to Clarity
Being responsible can shift everything. It can stop us from repeating patterns; and it can help us make better choices. These better choices can emerge because we are creating an understanding of ourselves and our history; not because we fear making a “mistake” moving forward.
You didn’t pick the wrong person. You picked someone that matched where you were. That’s real. That’s honest. And that’s enough.
With that clarity, we get to move forward, lifted by awareness.
In my next blog, “I Am the Sole Author of My Life,” I will talk about living intentionally and taking responsibility for every moment of our lives, good or bad.
Watch my video I’m Responsible Because I Picked the Wrong Person Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
