Bringing an attitude of service to your loving relationships.
In my previous blog post, “What Does It Mean to Be the Head of the Household?, we talked about a loaded question for couples that can lead to deeper, meaningful conversations about the relationship.
Not long ago, I was visiting the home of a friend. There were quite a few brothers gathered to philosophize over the issues of the world. At some point, we were brainstorming ways to enhance our gatherings to make them more fun. I said, “It would be great if some sisters were here to serve and take care of us.”
The hosting brother’s wife heard my comment and jumped into the conversation with a mix of disbelief and indignation. Her voice was clear and direct: “Why would I serve you?” And before I could answer, she followed it with another question: “Would you serve me?”
Willingness to Serve
Without a second thought, I said, “Absolutely. I would be honored to serve you and a group of your friends. I would love to do that.” And I meant it. My answer wasn’t a slick comeback or a clever retort, it was a truth I stand on. I am a servant. Not because I’m beneath anyone, but because I believe in community. I believe in care. I believe in love expressed through action.
Still, my response didn’t sway her. Her position was firm: “I would never serve a man.”
That moment stuck with me. Not because I felt offended, but because it exposed something deeper: a resistance to service that has become all too common in our culture.
Service Isn’t a Power Struggle
That conversation is reflective of the gender conflicts that plague so many of our interactions. Many of us (“many” probably being a conservative descriptor), are much more invested in protecting ourselves from our partners (in relationships and in the world), than being compliments and supports. Somewhere along the way, we started treating service as beneath us, because service another is considered being beneath them (unless we are paid handsomely). We keep score. We insist on equality. We draw battle lines. We flex our emotional muscles to show how little we’re willing to give. Or how we cannot be taken advantage of.
“I’m not doing that for him.”
“She’s never getting that out of me.”
We hear these things. We say these things. And while they may feel like strength, they erode the foundation of our relationships: care.
I’m not simply talking to sisters; brothers do it. Many of us dig in, are stubborn, and wear our unwillingness like armor. We pride ourselves on not needing anyone and not budging. However, that’s not the type of power that feeds life into a relationship. It’s actually fear-based power. Fear of being taken for granted. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being seen as soft.
And where fear and ego rule, love probably won’t thrive.
Let’s Redefine Power
What if the power that nurtures a relationship is how generously we offer ourselves, because we perceive ourselves as powerful. Instead of how much we refuse to give, consider how much we can give? What if serving others doesn’t make us small, but instead elevates us?
Serving each other multiplies our value. It makes us more connected, more human, more divine. It nurtures families. It strengthens communities. It makes relationships deeper, not weaker.
Ideally, service gets to come from love and from choice, not guilt or coercion. I’m not asking anyone to be a doormat. However, if you find that the very idea of serving someone you care about makes you uncomfortable, it might not be about principle. It might be about pride. And pride can keep us stuck in loneliness, resentment, and conflict.
Learn to Look Past Your Ego
Whether you’re a brother or a sister, if you flinch at the thought of serving someone else, especially someone you love, look within yourself. That discomfort? That pushback? That’s probably your ego talking. And your ego might be keeping you from something beautiful.
Sometimes what we think is protecting us is actually preventing us from experiencing joy, intimacy, and mutual care.
Closing Thoughts
Service is about giving. It’s not about being less than or giving in. It’s about care. It’s about choosing to show up and to pour ourselves into others, not because they’ve earned it, but because you’re able and the world needs it.
In a world that seems to teach us to take more than to give, I’m choosing a different path. I’m happy to serve. And I hope you are too.
Peace.
Watch my video I’m Happy to Serve Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.
Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating a loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon,com/FrankLove.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
