A shift to a “complimentary” attitude can deter disagreements and lead to a stronger connection.
In my previous blog post, “I Am the Sole Author of My Life,” we talked about how living intentionally means taking responsibility for every moment, good or bad.
When is it appropriate to fight with our partner to get what we want—or what we believe we need from them?
That question has been on my mind since watching a short but powerful video recently. In it, a sister spoke from the heart about something many women feel: Sometimes, they just want to be comforted and reassured.
A Request for Presence and Comfort
Her message was clear. Instead of men feeling accused or antagonized when our partners give us overt or covert cues that indicate they want comfort, we’re being asked to be present and comforting. To be soft when she is vulnerable, and to help her feel safe in the moment (even if we have an extensive track record of already doing so).
It’s a message that was important for me to hear. I appreciated hearing it. I’ve put it in my pocket and am carrying it with me and practicing it every day.
After sitting with her insight for a while, another side of the conversation came to mind—one that doesn’t get talked about as much.
When Missing the Mark Makes You the Enemy
What happens when we, as men, miss the mark? What happens when a man doesn’t recognize his partner’s need for comfort in the moment or doesn’t know how to respond in a way that makes her feel safe? Is he still her partner? Or does he instantly become the bad guy?
Too often, I’ve seen it go like this: She expresses a need, he doesn’t meet it the way she hoped and it escalates into a fight.
Suddenly, it’s not just about comfort. It’s about judgment. Accusation. Anger.
“You don’t care about me.”
“You never listen.”
“You’re not safe for me.”
And now he’s on trial for a crime he may not have even known he was committing.
This is where I think many couples miss each other. The problem isn’t that someone had a need (or want). It’s that the response to the need leads to a battle. And if the outcome of missing the moment might be a fight, there is faulty infrastructure.
Fine. I’ll Be the Bad Guy.
Some men get to the point where they stop trying.
If we don’t show up perfectly, if we might be met with conflict, we may not even try to show up. We may say, “If you’re gonna fight me if I don’t get it right, then go ahead and fight me. I’ll be the bad guy. It’s easier for me to not try and be the bad guy than it is for me to make an attempt and get the same treatment.”
That’s not what most women want. That’s not what most men want either. But when fighting becomes an option, it may become the culture of the relationship.
Take Fighting Off the Table
We’re all going to miss the mark sometimes. We’re human. That’s inevitable. However, a framework that suggests, “If you make a mistake, I’m going to hurt you,” is senseless.
If we don’t get what we want from our partner, whether it’s comfort, attention, time, or anything else, let’s remove fighting as an option.
This is a message for men and women.
What Do We Do?
If we are offended because our partner missed our cue:
- Consider adopting a disposition that says, “I am my partner’s ideal complement, and my partner is my ideal compliment.”Compliments are supportive of one another, and they do not fight.
Compliments trust that their partners are doing their best, and working through the challenges that God has placed in front of them. Compliments believe that they are on the same team as their partner, all of the time.
- Let’s train our partners. My wife was angry at me and I said to her, “When you stop being angry, let me know. We’ll talk then.” Then I went on my merry way. She later told me that my leaving made her more angry. She said, “When I poke my lip out and act angry, I’m not really angry. I just want attention. When you walk away, I get angry.” She said, “Give me a hug and say that you’re sorry about something; and then we are good.”
I missed a cue and she later taught me how to handle it. Please follow my wife’s lead and tell your partner how to work with you during the challenges that you all will face; or when a cue is missed.
If we missed our partner’s cue, let’s:
- Be open and loving. Work to soften and be more attentive. Avoid being defensive and fighting our partners because they are triggered.
- Genuinely apologize. “I’m sorry. I missed an opportunity. I’ll do better moving forward.”
These simple adjustments can shift everything.
Final Thought
Our partner is not our enemy. They may be tired, distracted, scared, or emotionally unavailable at times. That doesn’t mean they’re out to hurt us. It may just mean they need a little comfort themselves.
If we want safety and comfort, let’s avoid fighting for it; and let’s love each other toward it.
We don’t build strong relationships through guilt and punishment. We build them through gentleness, humility, and the courage to be soft, even when we’re vulnerable, scared, and annoyed.
Watch my video When Wanting Attention Leads to a Fight Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.
Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating a loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon,com/FrankLove.
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
