In my previous blog, “Pussy (Respectability) Politics,” a guest blogger shared differing perspectives on feminine cleanliness. Today’s blog post pivots to addressing the question of what a healhty sex life looks like.
Most of my blogs offer solutions. This one offers perspective. The primary intent is for those of us who have been in a relationship for over 15 years to talk to one another with the hope that we’ll provide useful insight and support. It is also to support and inspire couples who haven’t met the 15-year mark yet.
One of the issues I have listened to partners raise over the years is about how much their sex life has changed. At times it is a concern, at other times it is a frustration. Regardless of how we feel about it, this can be a robust conversation worth exploring.
Before going any further, a little disclosure. My wife and I have been together for about 18 years. I may not have as much wisdom related to this issue as partners with 20, 25, or more years under their belts. And years may not mean success and are only one variable to consider (amongst many) when weighing relationship advice. That concludes the fine print.
So how is your sex life after 15 years? This question isn’t asked with a perverted interest or an intent to peer into your sex life for kicks. It is asked to spark a conversation that may help our relationships get over a hump where one or both partners believe that their sex life has grown stale in its old age.
Often we have no idea how universal our experiences are because we do not discuss them. As a result, many of us think what we are going through is unique.
Imagine if a community of parents did not talk to one another and create a consensus that there is such a thing as the “terrible twos.” We would probably think that our children were the worst ever and that we didn’t know how to parent. But based on the conversations we have with one another, we know that it’s normal and we don’t get overly distraught at how our young children act.
Now imagine if one or both partners think their sex life is dysfunctional because it no longer has the same excitement it did earlier in the relationship. The couple used to have sex every day or at least every other day. Now it’s once a month or once every three months. Is this what most couples (who have been in a relationship the same number of years) experience? If we don’t ask or research, who knows! Let’s talk. Let’s share. Is the lack of sex or a change in the passion normal?
After 15 years in a relationship, most of us are well beyond the honeymoon phase. Sex and romance no longer necessarily go hand-in-hand as they may have earlier in the relationship. We may go out on a date, to a movie, to a concert, or to dinner and come home and go to sleep, when in years prior, that would have been unthinkable. While we may have sex after a date, other times we may have sex because one partner wants to and the other simply says “ok.”
This may seem boring and rote—the buildup certainly isn’t the same. Don’t get me wrong, there is—or can be—a level of excitement associated with sex even after the years have accumulated. But it’s different. And that difference gets to be respected, acknowledged, and appreciated.
The goal is to encourage us to share experiences related to changes in our sex lives, when doing so is productive. The goal here is not to describe a healthy sex life. If this is a challenging issue, let’s talk to our partners and let’s talk to other couples too. And if anonymity is needed in order to find out what other couples are going through and dealing with, let’s create or find it.
I recently posed a question to a few friends who have been in their relationship for over 15 years: How do you initiate sex?
One friend said he and his wife connect when they can. They both have so much going on and are typically exhausted so sex can be an afterthought. But he noted that when they are on vacation (without the children) or on the rare occasions when they are home without the children, the sparks still fly.
This conversation was refreshing because I was reminded of how much things change as we add years to the life of our relationship.
For those of us who may be down on ourself, our partner, or our relationship because things have changed, let’s pause and rethink what is going on. We are now in a different phase of our relationship. Let’s appreciate it and understand that we are creating something new as we exist in this new relationship incarnation.
There is plenty of fun to be had right where we are, right now. And if we don’t believe what we’re experiencing is normal, let’s ask another close couple. This is one more way to check in and support one another.
In the meantime, feel free to share that state of your sex life after many years. You can do so by anonymously leaving a comment below. Your sharing may help others realize that their sex life isn’t stale—it is actually normal and possibly universal. And helping each of us feel less alone can be very loving.
Finally, if enough feedback is received, I’ll write a follow-up blog where the findings are reported. Your sharing is appreciated.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
In my next blog post “What Is Dumping” I will talk about the negative consequences of dumping on our partners in our loving relationships.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.
Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon.com/FrankLove.
–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—––
Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays—Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays—Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—– –
Frank Love coaches individuals toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
