BlogMen: I Have No Problem Committing, But To What?

November 22, 2010by Frank Love7

Commitment is a much-discussed topic, and like love, you can gather a host of opinions and understandings of it, depending on who you ask. Some proclaim it is overrated. Some treat commitment as the holy grail of all forms of relationships and seek it relentlessly. The discussion of what commitment is and what it means seems endless. And while we all assume that we share a universal understanding of what we mean when we say the word “commitment,” it is a concept rich in contradictions and potential misunderstandings.

Fear of Commitment

One such common conversation/misunderstanding revolves around men and their supposed “fear of commitment.” Often, I hear both men and women contend that a partner’s fear of commitment is the cause of a failed relationship. I had one of these conversations, with a man, this weekend. As we talked he noted a few of the things that he was not willing to stop doing for the sake of “marital bliss.” One of his hesitations was that he did not want to be exclusively intimate with only his girlfriend. He also noted the things that he was willing to do. This included raising the child he and his lady are expecting, and continually enjoying the relationship that he has with his lady. As he further described how he felt about his partner and his forthcoming child, he said that he basically felt that he was afraid of commitment. I disagreed that that was his fear.

Desire for commitment and fear of commitment are not a gender-specific traits. The ideas discussed here apply equally to men and women. However, it’s important to note that while one particular woman may sometimes be said to fear commitment, it is usually a character trait attributed to men overall.

Women complain that men are afraid of commitment, and the ensuing question is always “why?” Often, the conclusion is that this is one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of all time. However, considering both sides, I’ve come to the conclusion that these men who seem so hesitant to take the plunge are
not simply afraid of commitment, they are afraid of whatever it is to which their partner wants them to commit.

Commitment, a Noun derived from the Verb, Commit

First, let’s define “commitment.” Commitment is a pledge, promise or obligation. A person can commit or pledge to complete a marathon. A person can promise to give you $5. A person can be obligated to re-pay a loan. All of these are actions. When you commit, you commit to do something. You commit to an action, not, as we often mistakenly assume, to a person. Perhaps you commit to give $5 to your son or daughter because you love them and you would not commit your five dollars to just any person. Regardless, the commitment is a promise to hand over $5. The commitment is not (abstractly) to your son or daughter. There is a significant difference. I could illustrate this point ad infinitum, but I hope that you understand the foundation of my perspective: commitment is in many ways, a verb. The concept of committing or not-committing to a person is fundamentally impossible. But we can commit to do something
with or for another.

Reframe the Conversation

So, all you men (and women) who are either labeled or claim to be afraid of commitment, what do you really mean when you say you are afraid to commit? What actions, specifically, are you unwilling (or willing) to commit to? Ladies, instead of asking your partner to commit to you, which is literally impossible, ask him what he is willing and/or unwilling to pledge, promise or obligate himself to doing, particularly concerning you. His answer may be as simple as “I am willing to bring you dinner every-other Tuesday for a year;” or as complex as “I am willing to be at your beck and call for eternity.” In either instance, you now have a commitment. His answer may not be “I am willing to obligate myself to being intimate with you and you alone.” This, incidentally, seems to be the real concern, or the subtext, underneath most of the ladies’ discussion about a lack of commitment. However, even if he were to refuse to commit to sexual exclusivity, this does not mean he is afraid of commitment. In essence, he is no less committed.

Gentlemen, it is not necessary to either question or beat yourself up about whether you are willing to commit, particularly around a partner of interest. Simply ask yourself, “What am I willing to pledge, promise or obligate myself to doing that involves her?” There is certainly no right nor wrong answer, and I am sure that you can easily come up with something. It could be some variation of either of the two commitments in the previous paragraph or whatever. It also may not be a “commitment” to exclusive intimacy. Either way, you are no less committed.

The conversation around an unwillingness to commit will be minimized or possibly eliminated when we understand that commitment to anyine other that ourselves, and a given action is impossible. Once the faulty accusation of being “afraid of commitment” is taken off the table, we can simply and freely admit and discuss what we are willing (or not willing) to promise. Regardless of the outcome of the discussion or the relationship, a mysterious fear of commitment is not usually the issue. It is not the unsolvable mystery either. Instead, give strong consideration to the box that you are either putting yourself in by considering yourself fearful of commitment or by noting this characteristic in another. It is a more honest existence and conversation, and it may bring you closer to asking and negotiating for what you really want in your relationship.

Keep Rising,

Frank Love


…and please do not multi-task when driving.


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  • Melissa

    November 24, 2010 at 12:37 PM

    I love the re-framing of the conversation!


  • Chana Schwartz

    November 25, 2010 at 7:26 PM

    Why can’t people just learn to appreciate each other and work on their situations in life together whether they already are in a committed relationship towards marriage or married already? Being committed is very easy because all we have to do is understand each other in the relationship, know what our lifestyles are, understand expectations of one another and watch the changes each of us makes within the relationship. When two people love, trust, respect and understand the feelings of each other, then all both partners have to do is work on their relationship daily. This is commitment for better or worse. It is being there for each other no matter what!


  • Swayze, Sandra

    November 25, 2010 at 7:27 PM

    We need to learn to be committed to our authentic self, not what society wants us to be. Speaking powerfully in that space allows us not to deceive or manipulate.


  • Jo

    November 27, 2010 at 2:05 AM

    This seems more like an instant remedy or part of the solution. There are people who want answers to this question. I think the answer depends on the age range of the people who are non-commital. I am experiencing a similar situation but from what I can see, persons after 30, are far more apprehensive to commit than they were when they were in their twenties. It is more at stake after 30. I think some people have a fear of having a failed relationship.

    Some have to keep busy to avoid it. I believe that some are conditioned by family life or lack of it. Their desire to not have or want a relationship is based off of how they judge others in relationships. Men seem more sensitive in their older age so they tend to protect their feelings more. Any uncomfortable feeling shuts them down, when at that time it is best to talk. I think it is easier to not love than to love. We also use sarcasm as a way to communicate when that’s not communication at all. Having to voice your likes and dislikes in a relationship is hard because most believe that ‘you should read my mind’.

    Frank Love, it takes guts to solve this question. Thanks!

    p.s. We need more Claire and Cliff Huxtables reflected in our community.


  • Amiyna

    November 27, 2010 at 8:04 AM

    It is beneficial to our spirit to detach from many of the beliefs that we were taught as a child that are no longer relevant to our life as an adult. Grow up, stop blaming mom, dad, grandma or anyone else for that matter, for how your life is now. Take responsibility for the choices, It’s your life! Peace!


  • Brian Franklin

    December 27, 2010 at 4:15 PM

    Interesting points. I think that you are correct when you question how the idea of commitment is framed. There are numerous societies where commitment does not include sexual exclusivity. Some people are just not suited for monogamy and others are. That in of of itself does not mean that they cannot be committed to relationship. Also I think that women have to take a look at what they are bringing to the table was well as the liabilities they have.


  • Massander

    January 5, 2011 at 5:29 PM

    I remember years of being told that I was afraid of commitment. The truth was that I didn’t want a long term relationship with the women I was dating. I was “afraid” of making a promise I knew I would break. I used to tell people that it was not accurate to say that I was afraid of commitment. I just wasn’t interested in (often referred to as “ready for”) a long term relationship, especially one that required monogamy.


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