Take responsibility for the children in your care and see them for the blessing that they are.
In my previous blog post, “The New Car (Crash),” we looked at partner problems around family decision-making as an opportunity to take greater responsibility for ourselves.
Recently a woman reached out for advice. She explained that her husband woul dn’t allow or support her desire to take her ex-husband to court for child support. She wanted to know what I thought. My response might put me in the minority, but here it is: I completely support her husband.
Children are a blessing, not a burden. They are not a responsibility to be negotiated or divided. I’ll say it again, they’re a blessing.
Recognizing Children as a Blessing
If a child is in my home, whether biologically mine or not, I plan to take care of them. I plan to provide for them with every resource I have, just as I would my own biological children. If I married a woman who already had a child, I would plan to make that child a part of my household and my family and my responsibility. Not out of obligation, but out of love and gratitude. And as an investment. If we invest water and care, they blossom and can contribute later on. That child, like all children, would be a blessing.
For that reason, I would not support my wife pursuing child support from her ex. In my home, that simply is not okay.
Stepping Up to Take Responsibility
This view might ruffle some feathers. It’s not a legal argument. It’s not even a financial one. It’s a personal principle rooted in a particular way of seeing the world and seeing children.
Many child support disputes stem from tension between adults, not concern for the child. Sometimes it’s about fairness. Sometimes it’s about revenge. And sometimes it’s genuinely about resources. But at the core of it, if a child lives in our home, then there is an opportunity for us to step up . . . without resentment, without conditions, and without keeping score with someone.
Parent Because You Want To
Every situation isn’t the same. There are absolutely cases where the financial support from an absent parent would be very helpful. However, when we have a child, we do so with an understanding that we may raise them alone. If for no other reason than that our co-parent can die.
When someone doesn’t want to be involved and doesn’t want to support their child, it may be a blessing in disguise, perhaps it’s better to let go than to drag them, kicking and screaming, into a role they never intended to fulfill.
Provide for the Child in Front of You
As a stepfather, I would not allow or support my wife taking her ex to court for child support. Not because I don’t believe in responsibility, but because I do. I believe in my responsibility and commitment to the child. My commitment to my household. And my belief that we don’t need to force someone to value what we’ve already embraced.
I have an ex-wife, and we have two children together. And even if my wife and I weren’t together, I cannot imagine taking either of them to court for child support. Not because I wouldn’t need help, not because it wouldn’t be fair, but because those are my children. I brought them into the world, and it’s on me to provide for them.
The Peace of Letting Go
Children are not currency. They’re not a monthly invoice. They’re not leverage in a legal battle. They are blessings. And we would do well to see and treat them that way.
To the woman who asked me what she should do: Listen to your husband. Not because he’s the authority, but because he might just be offering you a perspective rooted in love, pride, and a deep sense of personal accountability.
There’s peace in letting go of what someone else should be doing and leaning fully into what you have chosen to do. There’s power in saying, “Regardless of who walked away, I’m still standing.” And there’s pride in looking at a child and thinking, You don’t need to beg for your value to be recognized. You’re already home.
Let’s shift our perspective. Let’s raise our children in love, not litigation. And let’s remember: No one can be forced to appreciate a blessing.
Peace.
In my next blog, “Should Visiting Children Work?,” I will look at how encouraging household friends to assist with chores helps build community.
Watch my video My Husband Doesn’t Want Me to Seek Child Support Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
