BlogThe New Car (Crash)

Partner problems around family decision-making are an opportunity to take responsibility.

In my previous blog post, “Call Your Grandparents: A Simple Gesture That Means the World,” we talked about how encouraging our children to connect with elders today leads to stronger family bonds tomorrow.

 A brother reached out to me recently with a dilemma. His daughter, a 25-year-old grad student, had been treating him with what he described as ongoing disrespect. Yet despite her attitude, he was still willing to buy her a car. He had one condition: She needed to fix her attitude before the purchase.

She didn’t.

Instead of holding that line, his wife went around him and bought the car anyway.

Major Decisions Require Partner Communication and Alignment

He asked me what I thought he should do.

My first reaction, I jokingly told him: “Get a new wife.”

However, even when our partners make poor decisions, they still deserve our love and our grace. They still get to be safe with us. That doesn’t mean their choices or behaviors go unchecked or unaddressed. It means we get to approach them from a place of understanding, not retaliation.

What the wife did in this situation was wrong. Plain and simple. Going around your partner in a major decision, especially when there’s been clear communication and expectations, undermines the partnership. It creates confusion for everyone involved, especially the child, even when the child is an adult.

But let’s zoom out.

Responding to Poor Family Decisions

First, love your partner, even when their behavior and/or decisions are questionable at best and poor at worst.

Second, sit down with your partner and child and express your dismay. The most important reason for doing so is to prevent your child from displaying the same type of decision making when they have children.

Third and most importantly, it’s easy to point the finger. Easy to say what the wife in this example should have done differently. Easy to say the daughter is entitled or disrespectful. But if we stop there, we miss the most powerful part of the lesson. The deeper truth is this: Somehow, in some way, the brother created this situation.

An Invitation to Relationship Reflection

That can be hard to hear. It’s not a condemnation, it’s an invitation. An invitation to look at the relationships we have cultivated with both our partner and our children. Because there are children who, even if offered a brand-new car by one parent, would say, “I can’t take that. Dad and I aren’t right, and I need to fix that first.”

There are wives who would say, “Let’s hold off. He asked something of you. We need to talk about this as a family.”

If that’s not happening, there’s a deeper problem going on.

What Is Your Role in the Problem?

This isn’t about the car. The car is just a symbol. A reflection of the communication patterns, power dynamics, and emotional investments that have been built, or neglected, over the years. If your child doesn’t feel the need to honor your word or if your partner doesn’t feel the need to align with you on major decisions, the real issue is relational, not material.

That’s why the most important point is: Look inward.

Look at how you’ve shown up over the years. Look at how you’ve allowed certain behaviors, how you’ve responded (or not responded) to disrespect, how you’ve led in your household—not just in words, but in presence, in consistency, in love.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about responsibility. You are responsible for the environment you’ve helped shape. And if you don’t like what’s playing out now, the work begins with you. Not with punishment. Not with ultimatums. But with reflection, communication, and commitment to doing things differently.

Pivoting From Problem to Opportunity

 Relationships, like anything else, need maintenance. Just like a car. If you ignore the check engine light, pretend the brakes don’t squeal, or think that an oil change can wait forever, you’re setting yourself up for a breakdown.

Maybe the new car isn’t just a vehicle, it’s a metaphor. A mirror. An opportunity to reevaluate how you drive in your relationships. Do you pay attention to warning signs? Do you have regular tune-ups? Are you copiloting, or are you just along for the ride?

This brother, like many of us, was handed a moment that looked like a problem, but was really an opportunity. An opportunity to reflect. And that’s the real work.

In my next blog, “My Husband Doesn’t Want Me to Seek Child Support,” I will look at taking responsibility for the children in our care and seeing them as blessings, not obligations.

Watch my video The New Car (Crash) Related to this blog.

Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”

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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.

• Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
• Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships

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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.