BlogShould Visiting Children Work?

Encouraging household friends to assist with chores helps build community.

In my previous blog post, “My Husband Doesn’t Want Me to Seek Child Support,” we discussed taking responsibility for the children in your care and seeing them for the blessing that they are.

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up, if I were at a friend’s house and they were doing chores (washing dishes, folding clothes, helping their parents with something), I helped. There was no formal invitation, no chore chart assigned to guests. You just pitched in where you could. It was understood. Expected. Natural.

Their parents expected it. My friends expected it. I expected it too.

But nowadays? It seems to be different.

 

What Should We Expect From Visiting Children?

Maybe it’s just my kids, but I don’t think so. When my children have friends over and I ask my kids to take out the trash, help with dinner, or unload the car, their friends are either completely checked out or they suddenly don’t want to come over anymore.

Not all of them, of course. But enough for me to notice the change.

I would have helped. I want my children to help when they are at their friend’s house. I want my children’s friend to want to help when they are at my house. Am I being unreasonable?

 

An Invitation to Participate

I don’t impose or expect a full weekend of labor. But if you’re around when we’re cleaning up the kitchen after dinner or carrying groceries into the house, help out! Not as punishment, but as participation.

Asking a child—any child, not just mine—to help out while in my home isn’t a punishment. It’s an invitation. It’s a way of saying, “You’re welcome here, and we see you as part of this space. Come on in and join the rhythm of the house.”

 

A Welcoming Household Culture

But that’s not how some kids, or their parents, see it.

My daughter recently asked if one of her friends could come over after school. I am that parent that all of my children know will respond “Of course” to that question 99.99% of the time. My response is so easygoing because I have the attitude that additional children fit easily into my life. It takes little to nothing to feed an extra child or to include them in whatever I have going on with my own children.

I picked them both up from school. We returned home, and my daughter had about 30 minutes of chores to do. Her friend sat downstairs on her tablet while my daughter worked. It seemed to never cross her mind to help or even offer to help.

Some kids are shocked to be asked to do anything outside their own home. This may also suggest that they don’t do much work at home either. There are also parents who may even be offended: “They made you work over there?”

But this isn’t about exploitation. It’s about culture. And I’m not talking race or ethnicity, I’m talking household culture. I’m talking values, expectations, and how we teach our children to engage in spaces that aren’t solely their own.

I want my children to know that when they’re in someone else’s house, they don’t just sit on the couch like royalty, sectators or disinterested parties while others work around them. They get up and ask how they can help. They contribute. They look for ways to be useful. Not because they’re being punished  but because they’re being respectful.

Because they belong.

 

Offering Connection Through Contribution

And maybe that’s what it comes down to. In some homes, contribution equals connection. Being asked to stir the pot or sweep the porch doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. It means you’re valuable. Trusted. Welcomed. I want my children to be contributors when they’re guests in someone else’s home.

We’re living in a time when childhood is increasingly seen as a protected zone. I understand. “Let kids be kids.” “Let guests be guests.” However, we lose something when we shield children from contribution—when we train them to believe that rest is their default and work is only for adults or punishment.

That’s not the culture I wish to cultivate for my children.

 

Helping Children Appreciate Community

Am I tripping? Am I expecting too much? Is it unreasonable to want visiting children to lend a hand, even just a little?

I’m not looking for little laborers. I’m working to raise and be around young people who understand community. Who know how to and want to be helpful. Who don’t just pass through spaces like tourists but who engage with those spaces with care, humility, and presence.

At times that looks like helping carry the groceries in.

What you think? Am I a dinosaur? A boogie man with outdated values? Or is there still a place in today’s world for children, visiting or otherwise, to pitch in and participate?

I’m listening.

Keep Rising,

Frank Love

In my next blog, “The Problem Friend,” I will share how to bolster our friends and show love while remaining neutral on their problematic relationship.

Watch my video Should Visiting Children Work? Related to this blog.

Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”

Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.

Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating a loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon,com/FrankLove.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.

• Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
• Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.