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BlogShould I Help Raise a Child I Didn’t Want?

February 25, 2012by Frank Love0

Whether to have children is a very big (and very personal) decision, one without a right or wrong answer. Deciding whether to take that plunge is easy for some and harder for others, but it can really get complicated when factoring a partner’s desires into the equation. For couples with differing desires, striking a compromise (or not) on such a life-changing decision can tear a marriage apart – or cause its participants to get creative.

I recently received the following from a reader:

In a recent blog, I featured the following question from a reader:

I have a friend whose husband did not want children. However, she pushed and pushed, and threatened divorce, and he gave in. Now, they are parents, and he’s not attentive with the baby. My friend is really upset. She thought the child (once here) would change him. I bite my tongue to keep from saying, “But you knew he didn’t want kids. What did you expect?” This is an issue I’ve seen in several relationships – one person wants kids and the other doesn’t. I hate seeing them both unhappy but I don’t know if anything can be done about it now. Your thoughts?

In the original blog, I addressed the wife/mother in question. This is my advice to the husband/father:

It sounds as though you and your wife have found a unique way to negotiate, even if one or both of you is unhappy with the current state of affairs. It also seems like you care for each other. She was comfortable enough with you to want to create a child with you. And you were willing to conceive a child, even though you did not initially want one. Your partnership is worth commending.

If your relationship with your wife is important to you, and the baby is important to your wife, then your self-interests are on the table where the child is concerned. To keep her (if that is your desire), you may have to become more involved with the parenting. That all depends on what you and your wife are willing to negotiate from here on out. But at the end of the day, in order to be a Powerful Person in a Partnership, you must first consider what you want and what you’re willing to give (or do) to get it.

You took a significant step with your partner by conceiving a child. Even if only through a bloodline, you are now a father for life. You do, however, get to choose how entrenched in the raising of this child you would like to be. You could walk out the door tonight and never see your wife or child again. You could also choose to co-parent (which sounds like what your wife wants). Or, if she is willing, you could live together and allow her to handle the child-rearing completely.

I am not one to say that any of the aforementioned solutions are right or wrong. I believe all three of you can enjoy exceptional lives either way, depending on what you each choose to make of the situation. Furthermore, any reason(s) you have for not wanting to be an active parent are reasonable and worth respecting. I would, however, like to share my perspective as a father of four children – two boys and two girls – who enjoys every minute of raising them, even when it isn’t easy…and it rarely is. But I get an immeasurable amount of satisfaction from watching them grow, acquire new skills, and experience new things.

I treasure the wildly-different conversations and special relationships that I have with each of my unique children. My oldest is a genius who never ceases to amaze me. My second-born is an actor and already a lady’s man. My younger son is independent and as stubborn as both of his parents, collectively. And my youngest is not even two years old and already informing us of her plans to take over the world. They make me laugh, cry, hope, think and enjoy my life in ways that I don’t think I would without them.

Based on my own positive experience as a father (admittedly something I have always wanted to do), I suggest that you consider whether you would find these experiences valuable, should you decide to raise your child. You might discover that you want to be a co-parent with your wife, and there’s no way to know for sure unless you give it a shot. However, as much as I enjoy my children, I also understand that there are people out there with children who don’t like parenting. And there’s no shame in that. If this is not for you, accept that about yourself. Do not beat yourself up, and don’t allow anyone else to do so either.

Of course, there may come a time when you have to answer to your child. If you and your wife stay together, or if you have some other role in the baby’s life, he/she may someday ask why you seem removed from the parenting. In this case, I suggest opting for diplomacy, not rehashing the past. Your answer could be as simple as “I am sincerely trying to do what I think is best for all of us.” I believe that you are.

There may also come a day when your child finds another “father figure.” Try curbing any jealousy or anger that arises, should this occur. We all have wants and desires. As you wish to be respected for your child-rearing decision(s), respect your child’s needs and desires as well.

Continue to flourish in the beautiful family you have created. Keep writing and re-writing your script as you go along, and have no regrets.

Keep Rising,

Frank Love
www.FrankLove.com
 

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