What Does It Mean to Be the Head of the Household?
For couples, this loaded question can lead to deeper, meaningful conversations about the relationship.
In my previous blog post, “My Father Didn’t Drink,” we looked at being present and intentional in the examples we set for our daughters.
In this post, I’m not coming with answers, but with questions. With curiosity. With a willingness to listen. And also a request. Because I keep hearing the phrase:
“The man is the head of the household.”
What does that phrase mean?
A Common Phrase, Rarely Understood
I hear that phrase from men. I hear it from women. I hear it from couples who seem to be on the same page—and from couples who clearly are not. I hear it in passing, and I hear it said with passion. And yet, despite how common it is, I rarely experience a shared understanding.
It’s a phrase loaded with tradition, gender roles, and assumptions. That can certainly be okay. But in today’s world, where relationships are changing and expectations are shifting, it’s worth asking:
What does it truly mean to be the head of the household?
Because I also sense tension around this phrase.
When the Title Brings Tension
I see couples, some of whom have agreed that the man is the head, engaged in relentless power struggles. I see women in these relationships declare that their husbands lead the home, but then fight them often. I see men who carry the title of “head” but feel undermined, disrespected, or confused about the sincerity of that designation.
I see fatigue.
I see resentment.
I see relationships that look more like tug-of-wars than partnerships.
A Sincere Question
Again, I ask, with sincerity, not sarcasm or judgment:
What does it mean to be the head of the household?
- Is it about earning the most money?
- Making final decisions?
- Setting the tone for the home?
- Being the spiritual leader?
- Protection? Provision? Discipline?
- Or is it something deeper?
It’s Time for Clarity
Because if the title only brings arguments and confusion, we get to do more than just say it, we get to define it. We get to get clear.
To the Men
For the men who are told they are the head, or who believe they are:
- What does that mean to you?
- Do you feel equipped? Supported? Heard?
- Does your partner call you the head of the household, or is that something you only call yourself?
To the Women
For the women who recognize that title for their partners:
- What are your expectations?
- Do you see leadership as partnership?
- Are you willing to trust the leadership you affirm?
- Or is “head of the household” a line that holds little substance?
Titles Don’t Lead—People Do
These may be hard questions, but they are important, as empty titles serve no one.
We get to have more honest conversations. We get to have more love, more clarity, more intention.
My book, Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway), was recently published. In it, I stress the need for conversations that eliminate ambiguity, and for documenting the clarity you and your partner create; or the clarity you’re unable to reach.
If you can think of a challenging topic that you and your partner are facing or may face in the future, discuss it. Write down your agreement, or lack thereof.
Who, if anyone, is the head of the household? What does that mean? That may be at the top of your list of conversations to have.
My Request
Please consider eliminating the “head of the household” title or phrase from your family’s culture if there is little clarity around what it means to wear that title.
Please consider if a family requires a “head.” And if so, does that person function as the leader? And if a leader is required, what does leadership actually look like in your home?
If leadership is deemed important and someone gets to be it:
- Is there an ability for the others in the household to be led?
- Does a leader always need to lead?
- Does a leader lead by serving others?
Wherever your and your partner’s imagination can go on this topic, go there. Flush it out. Create clarity.
Keep the Conversation Going
If this blog resonated with you, I invite you to take the next step:
- Subscribe to receive weekly reflections and relationship insights at FrankLove.com
- Explore my new book: Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway)
- Create or join a discussion in the comments or on social media: What does “head of the household” mean in your home?
- Support the mission to create a loving culture in our relationships by becoming a patron at Patreon.com/FrankLove
Together, let’s build homes and relationships that are rooted in love, clarity, and mutual respect.
I’m Still Listening
Once again, “I’m listening.” What are your thoughts?
Watch my video What is the head of the family Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.
Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating a loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon,com/FrankLove.
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
