Be present and intentional in the example you set for your daughter.
In my previous blog post, “Love Me Like My Father,” we talked about normalizing a deep love in our relationships, a love grounded in consistency and safety.
“Would you like a drink?”
I was sitting next to a woman, a stranger, as I ordered an alcoholic drink. I noticed she wasn’t drinking. We were in a casual social setting, surrounded by the usual blend of conversations, laughter, and clinking glasses.
Naturally curious, I asked, “Do you not drink?”
She said, “No, I don’t.”
And I followed up, “If you don’t mind me asking, why?”
Her answer stopped me in my tracks: “Because I never saw my father drink.”
That was it. No sermon. No self-righteousness. Just a simple, profound reason grounded in the power of example.
The Beauty of Fatherly Influence
I was humbled — moved, even. It wasn’t just what she said, it was how she said it. Calm. Certain. Respectful. She didn’t say it to impress me or make a statement. She was just stating a fact, a truth rooted in admiration. This was a grown woman, still carrying the imprint of her father’s choices. This was a daughter who had learned something powerful just by watching her dad live.
There was something incredibly beautiful and dignified about that moment. It wasn’t about alcohol. It was about influence. It was about legacy. And most importantly, it was about fatherhood.
You’re Always on Stage, Dad
To the fathers reading this: Your children are watching you—whether you know it or not. Whether they say it or not, your actions are shaping their world; what they believe is possible, what they come to value, and how they carry themselves in adulthood.
This young woman saw something in her father that stuck. She witnessed consistency. She saw self-control. And it left such a deep impression that, years later, she was still honoring his example without needing to quote him, defend him, or explain away anything. His behavior spoke for itself.
The Power of Quiet Examples
Often, we underestimate the power of our quiet examples, the small demonstrations. We think our kids only notice the big stuff: the birthdays, the punishments, the gifts, the vacations. But it’s the subtle, everyday actions that can leave the most lasting impressions.
What we don’t do can be just as powerful as what we do.
Being Intentional With Our Daughters
The woman in that moment reminded me just how much daughters carry from their fathers. They may carry our words, our silences, our presence, and our absence. They often carry our beliefs about the world, men, family, and themselves. And if we’re lucky, if we’re intentional, they may carry the parts of us that made them feel safe, seen, and valued.
That’s not just a feel-good idea; it’s a real way that we can affect our children.
Our daughters are building their lives on foundations we helped lay. Some of those foundations are sturdy and empowering. Others . . . not so much. But every brick we place matters.
If You Had a Good Father, Honor Him
To the women reading this who had the gift of a good father, you may be aware of his impact. You’ve probably felt and feel it. And you may be already honoring him. That honor may be in how you raise your own children, how you carry yourself, or even how you interact with strangers at a bar.
To the women who did not have a gift of a good father, be clear that you are impacted too. One of the most profound understandings that you can embrace is your blindspot. It is often said that we do not know what we do not know. Similarly, it is easy to not understand the effect of something that we did not have. A lack of a positive example of a man or any other role in our lives can be devastating. As you move through the world dealing with men, be a student and be humble to the conversations and messages that you receive pertaining to men. Ask more questions than you make statements and identify a mate that has a good relationship with their father (who was presumably a good father too).
Make the Story She Tells a Beautiful One
To the brothers raising daughters, let’s be intentional, consistent, and thoughtful. Not perfect, but mindful. You don’t need a cape, but presence is a good start.
Your daughter might one day sit next to someone and explain a choice she’s made about how she loves, how she lives, or even how she drinks. And when she explains it, she might mention you. She might say, “Because my father . . .”
Let’s work toward making sure the sentence that follows is one that fills her with pride.
Your Legacy Is in Her Voice
Let’s make our examples the quiet wind at her back. Let’s make our presence be the standard by which she measures safety and love. How we deal with our partners. How we conduct ourselves during simple and mundane times. Let’s make our patterns, not simply our words, be the stories they tell about us.
Whether she’s seven or thirty-seven, she may be watching very closely.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
Watch my video My Father Didn’t Drink Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
