As anyone who has ever spent much time in the dating pool knows, it can feel hard to find someone who is a good romantic fit. In a world with around seven billion people, we are quick to assume that all the “good ones” are taken, or that they are in hiding.
I recently received an e-mail from a young lady I met a few months ago, in which she asked, “Where does a good woman who is interested in a relationship with a good man in this area go to meet that person?” While I know she was looking for concrete answers (like particular hang-outs, gyms or even churches), her question was not straightforward.
One of my favorite quotes is: “The only normal people are the people we do not know.” I find this sentiment delightful and humbling, because there are not only a lot of people I don’t know. There are also plenty who don’t know me. So, in effect, none of us are normal. Not even me. “Normal” (like “good”) is a subjective word and, therefore, not very useful. Thus, I caution my new friend about believing that she (or anyone) is “good.” When you describe yourself as “good,” you are automatically making someone else “bad.” I try to avoid using these terms, because they can lead me to believe that I know more than I do – about myself and others.
So, when considering possible mates, try not looking at them as “good” or “bad,” or “normal” or “weird.” Instead, look at how they complement and get along with you – not good you or bad you, but you as you are.
I may not know much about you, but I do know me. Allow me to shine a little light on just a few of the many areas of my personality that some people might find unpleasant, offensive or even questionable:
Before I brush my teeth at night, my breath stinks.
I don’t always brush my teeth at night.
I fart, and they can stink.
I am opinionated.
I look at women’s butts because I like them.
I don’t have a problem with the notion that a person can have two lovers.
Now, I am sure I have made someone cringe, and someone else laugh. I am probably going to hang out with the person who laughed. Call me crazy. And that is where chemistry begins. In my estimation, chemistry is what ensues when two people who are simply being themselves enjoy spending time together.
There are people who will appreciate and people who will be offended by who you are and what you do, no matter how you conduct yourself. You are not a better or worse person because you are or are not popular, or because you have a certain set of values, or a certain personality. If you are like me (and I don’t suggest raising your hand if asked), you simply want to be loved and accepted for who you are, even when your breath stinks or you espouse some “crazy” belief.
So, instead of being and looking for someone who is “good,” I suggest looking for someone you like and whose unpopular or unpleasant characteristics you can accept, even embrace. In other words, find someone with whom you have good chemistry. Where do you find this person? Start by walking out your front door and getting to know people – without any preconceived notions about subjective words like “good,” “bad” and “normal.”
Finally, make sure it’s someone who will do the same for you, because we both know that you aren’t all sunshine and roses either. You want to be accepted, too, right? Knowing yourself – your motivations, frailties and unpopular characteristics – can be a great catalyst for humility when assessing others. And it can also land you in a Powerful Partnership.
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