One of the most challenging components of romantic partnerships, especially those that are fairly new, can be the sharing of space. Even couples who get along great will probably find themselves in the middle of the occasional turf war.
I recently received the following from a reader:
After three years together, my husband and I recently had our first big fight. A friend of mine wanted to crash with us for a couple nights. I said yes, knowing my husband was having a rough week at work and didn’t want company. He got angry with me for not putting him before my friend, which I understand. Knowing that he has a stressful job, I usually work very hard to ensure that our home is peaceful. I regularly give him a night at home alone, and I field invitations from friends and family, often getting him out of doing things he doesn’t want to do. I’m happy to provide this support. But then, one of the few times I failed to do so, he got mad at me. While I understand and share his need for “me time,” it’s my home as well, and I want my friends to feel welcome there. How do I strike a balance between ensuring that both our needs get met?
This sound like an exchange between two people who are doing pretty darn well. Three years … first fight. I’d like to know their secret. But this is an issue that most co-habitating couples will have to navigate at some point. When two people share a home, they both undoubtedly want to feel comfortable there. But there will probably be times when they have opposing desires about what should go on in that space. In my reader’s case, her husband wanted no one in the house (presumably except her), and she wanted company.
The issue is whose wishes trump whose. That’s where things get tricky, but a little creativity can go a long way in achieving a solution where both people get what they want. For example, whichever person in this relationship is the most flexible could have spent the night in a hotel – either the husband, or the wife and her friend.
If resources do not allow for such an alternative, things get a little hairier … but not impossible. Based on the reader’s description of their decision-making about guests thus far, it seems that both parties are comfortable with the general state of things. This incident sounds like an exception. In all relationships, there will be times when we step on each other’s toes and get irritated, and so long as it’s not the norm, there’s no real cause for concern. We are all different, so we will undoubtedly disagree from time to time. But when both parties make an effort to understand where the other person is coming from, you can usually recover without much, if any, lasting damage.
The key is a mutual understanding that neither person has malicious intentions. As long as the husband’s desire to avoid company is not to control or isolate his wife, it would be wise and Powerful for her to accept his preference. As long as she isn’t inviting her friend over to irritate him, then he also has the opportunity to accept and try to honor her desires.
Finally, it is worth noting that most people need some occasional “me time”, and scheduling time for one partner or the other to be home alone not only helps with turf wars, but also with other relationship problems. After all, when we are well-rested and refreshed, we are more patient, easy-going partners. I can personally attest to feeling like I’m on cloud nine when my family leaves the house for a while. In fact, sometimes I jokingly barricade the door when they pull up. My desire to be alone doesn’t have anything to do with how I feel about them. I love them like crazy and would be devastated if they never returned. But I am oh-so happy to see them go sometimes. And I bet my mate also says a silent prayer of gratitude when I pull off with the kids in tow.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.com
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