Do our thoughts, words and our feelings play a significant role in our outcomes? If so, what can we do about them? We’ll find out on this episode of Frank Relationships.
FRANK RELATIONSHIPS: CYNTHIA GARDNER O’NEILL ON COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR HEART
Guests: Cynthia Gardner O’Neill
Date: May 16, 2016
Frank: Do our thoughts, words and our feelings play a significant role in our outcomes? If so, what can we do about them? We’ll find out on this episode of Frank Relationships.
Yeah. As always, those are my babies. Thanks for getting daddy’s daughter today.
Welcome to Frank Relationships where we provide a candid, fresh and frank look in the relationships with goals of acceptance, respect and flexibility. I’m Frank Love and you can find me, my blog and my various social media incarnations at franklove.com.
You can also find me on ABC’s Good Morning Washington most Friday mornings during the 9 o’ clock hour. If you’re listening to the show on Blog Talk Radio, please follow us and if via iTunes, please subscribe so that you can effortlessly get each show each week.
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Greetings to my super duper co-host, Kweku.
Kweku: Hey. Frank. How you doing?
Frank: I’m great. How you doing?
Kweku: I’m good, I’m good.
Frank: Nancy Goldring.
Nancy: What’s going on, Frank?
Frank: All is well. How’s the consummate generalist doing?
Frank: Good, good, good.
Nancy: Jeff is looking at me like she better start speaking up…
Jeff: By the way, she said “great”, nobody heard that.
Nancy: I’m fine.
Frank: Today’s guest is an author, wellness provider, educator and coach, adventure and wilderness guide with extensive education doing so, training and certification and alternative and complementary medicine, bioacoustics and energy informatics research, and she is also the creator of HeartMonics and the founder of the ultimate wellness network in the center for loving consciousness, ha… Did you get all that?
Nancy: Imagine that… yes.
Frank: So if you like me, want to know what the heck any of the things that I just mentioned are, how to strengthen coping abilities that allow change with ease and how to have sustainable heart-centered relationships, then stay tuned as your Frank Relationships Team talks with Cynthia Gardner O’Neill.
Welcome to the show.
Cynthia: Hi everybody. Good morning.
Cynthia: You know, you said, you did really well there.
Frank: Did I?
Kweku: A lot of good scrabble words…
Nancy: A lot of good scrabble words…
Frank: Cynthia, before we get deep into your interview, I’m going to check in with the team and you to see if there’s anything interesting in the world of relationships. Folks, you got anything for me?
Kweku: I got one.
Nancy: Oh. Kweku, that’s what let us defer…
Kweku: Mother’s day just passed recently.
Kweku: So Happy Mother’s Day to all of the moms.
Kweku: I had a dilemma.
Kweku: So I was just playing to my sisters how I thought buying flowers would be corny… the flowers cost money… and they die. They die rather quick so I said why don’t we just take you to the movies? Why do we have to buy flowers? So my sister… my sister, “Are you aware that women absolutely love flowers? And that flowers are mandatory as it relates to Mother’s Day and other events.” So Nancy, I will ask your opinion.
Nancy: Well, I can tell you. I’m not the one to ask because my mother hates flowers.
Nancy: Uh-oh. Wait a minute… okay so yes, my mother does not prefer flowers. In fact, it is—
Frank: There’s a big difference between she hates it and she doesn’t prefer them.
Nancy: She does, trust me. My mother does not want flowers.
Kweku: He said “hate” wasn’t a strong word.
Nancy: As a matter of fact, I discovered along the way trying to compensate for flowers, but my mother does love balloons. So I, instead of bringing her flowers always go and get a balloon but always try to get a signature balloon. You know like one that’s about the event. It’s funny you mentioned it because we were at dinner for Mother’s Day and I had purchased—
Frank: You had your momma getting along on Mother’s Day?
Frank: Better than ever.
Nancy: Better than ever for that day.
Frank: For that day.
Nancy: So but I had also purchased my mom’s birthday was Easter, right? So I purchased this balloon that said “Happy Birthday!” Well, the thing sings, okay?
Frank: It doesn’t sing “Happy Easter”?
Nancy: No this one sang “Happy Birthday” because that was the occasion I was dealing with and so it turns out my dad says, “Yeah, I’m waiting for that balloon to go down.” I’m like why? He says because she comes in to the bedroom at 5 in the morning and she goes ding and the thing starts singing—“Happy birthday to you…” and I’m like “Mom!” and she says, “Well, I like it.” it’s still vexing the household just so you know.
Kweku: Do you like flowers?
Nancy: I love flower, yeah.
Kweku: Okay. I mean I’m cool with flowers.
Nancy: Yeah, yeah. But I don’t like the random batch of flowers.
Kweku: You don’t?
Nancy: No, I’m not a fan of the random batch. I want something that looks like it means something because you know every flower means something.
Kweku: Oh you don’t want the ones from the medium in the street.
Nancy: I mean you know… I don’t make a big deal… I don’t make a big deal but I do love like a deliberately arranged…
Kweku: Like from a florist?
Nancy: Yes sir.
Kweku: Like [unclear / LTB certified]?
Kweku: Okay got ya.
Nancy: Yes, yes…
Frank: That’s special, I must say.
Kweku: Special too.
Nancy: Yeah, I do like them.
Frank: I do flowers periodically bought my wife roses a few months ago…
Frank: Like really nice roses.
Kweku: Okay, okay.
Nancy: Oh okay.
Frank: But… I don’t think about roses—or I don’t think about flowers often but I must admit, I love having flowers around.
Frank: Like they really… they really brighten up the area, you know… in the dinner table.
Kweku: Yeah, I agree.
Frank: Or the living room.
Nancy: Live flowers they feel like rain.
Kweku: I was just trying to do something different and so… let’s get flowers in the car—
Frank: Right. I didn’t do that for Mother’s Day.
Kweku: I was trying to be different. I’m like… none of us have any money, let’s just use all our resources to go to the movies instead of buying you flowers.
Nancy: Create a memorable experience at cinema.
Frank: But I… car…
Kweku: I like…
Nancy: Well wait a minute now. Cynthia has two boys. Cynthia?
Nancy: Flowers or no flowers? What’s the story?
Cynthia: No flowers from my boys.
Frank: Are you looking—are you mad at them for that or that’s okay?
Cynthia: Oh no, oh no. You know, they realized I live in an environment that provides me with flowers, wild flowers and everything in my garden and everything… So that’s what I love the most. They instead visited me in my garden.
Nancy: So they have to get a little more creative is what you’re saying…
Cynthia: Having them join me in there…
Kweku: Yeah, they got a bag of soil…
Cynthia: Having them join me at the flowers—yes…
Frank: Are you saying you’re better than us, Cynthia?
Cynthia: No, no, no…
Nancy: Oh my goodness…
Frank: So what did they do for Mother’s Day?
Cynthia: Actually one of my sons took me out for breakfast…
Cynthia: And my other son was close by so he gave me a call and we made plans for… to get together and actually I was with them, had an opportunity with them both yesterday. So…
Cynthia: Yeah, it’s just their presence… I think that’s the nicest thing of all.
Nancy: Now that’s cool.
Cynthia: And you’re talking about you know, even the sound of just since you gave your mother a balloon…
Cynthia: You know, and it’s sane to her so… that’s just hearing their voices and giving me a call and having that experience makes all the difference in the world… just touching base with everyone and appreciating each other, you know… I think that’s beautiful. And so…
Frank: I just cooked out… I threw food on the grill, invited everybody over and started cooking around 1 o’clock. Everybody was gone by about 9.
Nancy: Okay… yeah.
Frank: And that was Mother’s Day.
Nancy: That was great.
Kweku: I was just being petty… I was asking for flowers…
Nancy: You were being petty? That’s so not you.
Kweku: [Unclear] my sister’s crazy… She was like “They love, we love flowers.” I was like “Nah, I don’t think we should do flowers. They die.”
Nancy: They don’t die, they multiply.
Frank: Oh okay, alright, alright. What else do we got?
Nancy: Oh my gosh… Okay so last night, I read this little [unclear / barb] about how much you should or should not tell your partner about your past… and yeah, thank you, Cynthia… and some of the things that the young women talked about were kind of dicey and she said it was already like driving her crazy but she didn’t want to put those things on the table. Now to my shock, the people responding to her were incredibly generous. Nobody like you know, when people respond online, they can be terrible. Everybody was super supportive, everyone encouraged her—
Frank: To do what?
Nancy: —to come clean.
Kweku: About her past?
Nancy: About her past. And her… and one person in particular said “If he finds out without you telling him, he’ll be much more upset than if you tell him.”
Frank: That’s so not necessarily true. And I find—
Frank: I find a conversation about truth and lies to be a fascinating one.
Frank: Because the conversation about truth and lies… we assume that our partner is going to beat us up often when we lie or if we lie and that sort of thing. And there’s good reason for that. We often partners, whoever is hearing the lie or looking for the lie—
Frank: —often believes that that’s like the Trump card for being able to beat you up. They see that as—
Nancy: “You lied to me…”
Frank: If I catch you in a lie—oh yes, you lied to me,—
Frank: —I can just go anywhere with it and do anything with it.
Nancy: Right, right.
Frank: But we don’t have to beat our partners up if they lie to us. I mean, because, in my estimation, we are all liars. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t lie.
Nancy: About something…
Frank: About something.
Nancy: Okay, okay.
Frank: So if that happens, I don’t feel the need to beat my partner up and I don’t think my partner just gets to beat me up either.
Frank: Because a lie is—in my humble estimation—a lie just demonstrates that you were not comfortable communicating something to your partner.
Nancy: At the time.
Frank: At the time.
Frank: And there’s nothing wrong with that. and if your partner really, really, really doesn’t want you to lie to him, they get the opportunity to create the landscape where you don’t feel like they’re going to want to beat you up or you don’t fear that, believe that, you know… that sort of thing.
Nancy: Yeah, you’d need to create a heck of a space for a person to feel the level of comfort and safety to bring you just about anything—
Frank: Anything that’s going on with you.
Nancy: —as it is, as it is. Cynthia?
Cynthia: Yeah, well you know, when we’re talking about lies here… wow. It’s really interesting to even think to myself what it feels like to lie, how that makes me feel. So it’s not something that I think anyone would just do because it hurts them more than it probably hurts the person that they’re lying to. You know, that’s the big thing. No one likes to really lie to themselves either. No one likes to feel like a fraud or any of those kinds of things. So it all begins with yeah… Like you were talking about Frank, the trust that you have within that relationship and if you’re in a good relationship, why would you hold anything back and lie in the first place. So I think about being in the present moment and… I think that’s a great way to start, is in the present moment… and just to be honest from the very beginning.
So where this person was coming from in this… that Nancy was talking about, that she was looking for a lie? This is what I don’t understand…
Nancy: No, no, no…
Cynthia: And so, I don’t have the full story.
Nancy: There were things in her past—so she’s dating a guy she met in college. She meets up with him again and they start dating. But, in that window between when they met in college and now that they’re dating again, she did a couple of things that she obviously isn’t proud of… and so she wanted to, and she feels interestingly enough, that she’s going to marry this guy. And so because she’s in a place where she feels like she’s probably going to marry this guy, she wanted to know if these things were important for her to reveal to him even though they were part of her past.
Kweku: Did she mentioned what they were in–?
Nancy: One of them, this sticks out in my mind. One, it was two things but one of them was prostitution which kind of stood my hair up.
Kweku: So she’s already told. He just got to find the article.
Nancy: Well… it’s already public now…
Kweku: Yeah, she already published it. I mean, she really has to come clean then.
Nancy: Yeah, well, but you know in the form in which she published it—as far as I could tell, it was no way of identifying any of the people who posted this stuff. It’s like a public… advice [unclear].
Kweku: Something like that…
Cynthia: I don’t think we should anybody that we haven’t been truthful with about who we are because actually, you’re going to end up in a marriage that… that you’re with someone who isn’t loving you for being who you are.
Cynthia: And so… I mean, why waste your time not being who you are. This is what a lot of people do when they get into relationships. I have a good friend of mine who’s been into few relationships and she constantly hides things about herself because she thinks “Alright, I can stay in this relationship if I hide this part of me because he’ll like me more if he doesn’t know about this.” And so what is she doing, she’s putting herself in a situation where she’s not being who she is and she’s going to have to live this lie the whole relationship and once you let that out, and this guy like also goes “Hey, I didn’t know that about you when we got into this relationship. I don’t like that about you.” That’s a horrible thing to do to yourself, to hide maybe a piece of you that actually… I mean it’s a part of you.
Frank: I question that.
Cynthia: But you’re ended up doing is you’re not allowing for yourself to be in a relationship and loves you for being who you are.
Frank: I think there’s merit to what you’re saying Cynthia and I also question it because at some level, you’re saying, “It’s important for us—” and as I say this, I really get it. at some level you’re saying it’s important for us to reveal so that our partner can love us as we are…
Nancy: Got it.
Frank: But on the other side, it’s important for our partner to love us for who we are even if we’re not revealing… That our partners can still love us if we reveal. And they can even love us knowing that we’re not revealing. It’s actually a very loving thing to do.
Nancy: But do they know you’re not revealing?
Frank: I think so.
Kweku: That’s definitely living a lie.
Nancy: No, okay, okay.
Cynthia: I think we’re talking about acceptance here.
Frank: We are absolutely talking about acceptance.
Nancy: Well we are. Yes, yes. The big A word. Okay.
Cynthia: Yeah, the big A word.
Nancy: Yeah, let me—you know what? Let me just say this a couple of things and goodness knows I should’ve been an adult when I got here but I have to say I am—let me just say, growing up on te Frank Love show. Okay? So…
Nancy: SO what I mean by that is I heard a show where I heard you say that it’s okay with you for your partner to lie to you and it changed me forever. And the other thing that happened to me several years ago is in a class… that I was taking on World Religion. One night, the instructor says “No one—” he says, “listen friends, be clear. No one is telling you everything about themselves.”
Nancy: He says, “and to tell you” he says, “because to tell you everything about themselves would be to make you their god.”
Nancy: And he says, “So trust me, it’s not happening.”
Frank: And to add to that, in order for that not to be the case, a person would literally have to tell you the things that they’re thinking about and working out in their own head.
Nancy: You’d be on hyper.
Frank: Yes! And they would not have the opportunity to digest things on their own to mold things over, to… they wouldn’t even have the opportunity to not know.
Frank: Because they’d have to communicate with you, things that they don’t know.
Frank: And what they’re weighing… that’s the only real way people cannot lie to you.
Nancy: And let me just say, you can tell a person the truth and while you’re together, you’re still evolving as a being and… Listen, you can tell me everything about your past and that still doesn’t necessarily give me a window into who you’re going to be, going from this point forward.
Frank: Or even who you are now.
Nancy: Now. It doesn’t guarantee as anything.
Kweku: Would you agree on certain things you withhold can cause your relationship not to flourish and move forward because of something that you withhold?
Frank: I don’t know.
Nancy: Sure. But let me—okay. But let me say this before you jump in, Cynthia. And… oh my goodness. It is so powerful how this thing place itself out. So there’s this phenomenon called Universal Law, right? And in the game of Universal Law, it’s as above so below. So here’s my position… If I’m holding something from someone, I can pretty much guarantee they’re holding something from me. The question is, what is it? And so, it’s easy to look and say uhhh not necessarily. I just lived that this past weekend and it stood my hair up. I was like, “Oh my goodness, I knew it! I knew it!”
Frank: You’re going to tell the story or you’re just going to leave it there?
Nancy: Absolutely no. Absolutely no.
Nancy: But what I’m getting at is, rest assured, if your partner is keeping something from you, search your own heart because the thing you’re keeping, you may not consider it something worth telling to you.
Frank: Yes, that’s right. Big lies can be big lies to you.
Nancy: To you.
Frank: But little lies to that person.
Nancy: Or in consequential to the other person. But you could be keeping something. I had a friend that said that her daughter was lying to her. So I said, “Well be careful Nancy, if you tell her you must be lying to somebody she might get offended. So I said, “Well you might want to” I said, “You know, and the idea of as above, so below, you might want to look and see where you might be doing that.” And she said, “Oh yeah, maybe when I was younger.” I thought, “Okay, if that’s where she can go with it.”
Frank: That’s a start.
Nancy: Yeah. But then later on in the conversation, we’re talking about something totally different and she acknowledges that her husband’s a little annoyed because he found out she was spending money that he didn’t know she was spending. She didn’t qualify that as a lie but he didn’t know she was spending the money. So as far as—
Frank: And she knew he didn’t know?
Nancy: And she knew he didn’t know, and then he found out so he was irritated but she didn’t consider it a lie.
Frank: So what do you referencing, Kweku? Like an example. What’s an example?
Kweku: You mentioned she said she did prostitution for a time…
Nancy: Yes she did.
Kweku: That’s kind of difficult to admit.
Nancy: It is!
Frank: Own it or admit.
Kweku: Own it… Well you know, we went to school. I graduated. I started working in a restaurant… prostituted for a little bit. Yeah. That one right there is… you know, I agree with everything you all saying but certain things…
Frank: If you want to know…
Kweku: I just need to know. I’m a give you a funny example. So I had this conversation recently with my fiancée. We mentioned—well we had a general conversation and the question cam… Well how many have you?
Frank: Are you serious?
Kweku: And I said, “I don’t need to know.”
Frank: She asked you?
Kweku: It was not like—
Frank: Or the question was just in the air?
Kweku: Someone threw it up in the air.
Frank: Was it one of you?
Kweku: So 10 years from now, if she listens to this, I need to be able to say that I generalized it babe. The question got thrown up in the atmosphere…
Kweku: And both of us will require to answer that question.
Kweku: One of us may have just thrown out—well I said I told you, I did not need to know that information because your mind will wonder—
Kweku: —when you find out certain things.
Kweku: And even if you didn’t want the information, —
Kweku: [unclear] so you’re counting on your fingers. Certain things…
Nancy: [unclear] fingers.
Kweku: You don’t even know but certain things you should have a conversation about because they can affect the overall relationship.
Frank: I don’t know. I’m not convinced.
Cynthia: Well—yeah, well you know it was interesting to hear with Nancy was saying about being on this show for how and how much you’ve grown for the experience she’s had with you guys. So this is the same things about… about lies or about sharing our experiences with people is are we the same person today that we were yesterday. And we change with every experience that we have in our lives. So also, you know, having… oh gosh, being in our hearts, when we speak to people and… can you tell if someone’s lying to you or can you tell when someone is speaking to you and you’re thinking, “Hey I don’t know this person is telling me the truth” or “I don’t think this person is being authentic with me.” Do you ever feel that way? Or even when you walk into a room and you’re talking to maybe 4 people that you’ve made [unclear] just met and is there one over the other that you feel is not being authentic, that they’re not really being truthful?
Frank: Absolutely. It happens.
Cynthia: Anybody ever feel that way?
Cynthia: Well a lot of that, so that you know you guys, you know in the very beginning when you introduced me, I teach a thing called HeartMonics. And HeartMonics is about the vibrations of the heart or the harmonics of the heart and actually our voices are speaking within our hearts. And so also our hearts are 60 times more amplified than any parts of our body and 5000 times more electromagnetic. So the first thing we experience when we come into an environment with someone else is we’re feeling their hearts. A lot of people don’t know this and this is how we communicate. This is one of our first ways of communicating within relationships is with our hearts.
The next thing too if you hear someone’s voice, the heart, that vibration of what’s in the heart is passing through the vagus nerve, passing through the vocal cords, and that comes from the heart. And so, the vibration that’s in your words is coming out. So a lot of times, when we’re talking with someone, we might be sitting there going “I wonder if this person’s really being honest with me.” We don’t know what it is. We don’t know what is but actually, we’re feeling it. We’re feeling whether we could trust this person. We’re feeling whether we should even be with this person.
Nancy: So then are we ever really being lied to?
Cynthia: ….my life?
Frank: What did you say Nancy?
Cynthia: That’s a good one Nancy. She said “Are we ever really being lied to?” Well on the energetic level, no because it’s all out there on the table. But the thing is, are we stealing? And we are so desensitized in this world especially here in the United States. A lot of desensitizing happens and—
Frank: By way of? Give me like…
Cynthia: How do we know what to do with our lives. Go ahead.
Frank: By way of television and so many images that come to us so quickly so often.
Cynthia: Yeah, well the interferences… even cellphones. I mean, that’s a huge interference…
Frank: Yes, yes, yes.
Cynthia: … with our own energy. Even cellphones are—the electromagnetic frequencies of the cellphone are digital frequency and humanity, we are analog. There’s a huge difference. It’s like cellphones are like being under sewing machines and needle. You know, when you’re going to [making sounds] and it really disrupts our own frequency of our hearts, our own connection absolutely.
Frank: One of the things you said, you mentioned a key word and that’s “feeling” and I have a conversation that I’m having with myself pretty regularly and it is—what’s the feeling to address? And often, when we’re interacting with people, particularly me—I can really say this about myself often—when I’m interacting with someone, I’m listening to the words and I’m often listening to the words to go back and forth about the meaning, it could be argue, it could be explained further, it could be a litany of things. However, what I find to be the most positive and the most beneficial is when I’m listening for the feeling. And not even maybe listening for the feeling where I’m looking to extract the feeling so you can get the feeling by not just listening, by watching. You can have an idea of what someone 20, 30 feet away is saying to whoever they’re talking to just by watching them without being able to necessarily hear the words they’re using.
So what’s the feeling to address? I find is a rich opportunity and when I take a step back, which is not as often as I would like it to be—I mean, I’m growing in this manner—but when I step back and go for the addressing, the feeling, it really does make a big difference. And I think that’s kind of what you’re saying, Cynthia, in my own words.
Cynthia: Yeah, I love that you brought up feelings because I believe feeling is a strength.
Cynthia: Feeling, gives our emotions and experience the same way our five senses, okay? In our physical senses gives our body an experience.
Frank: Say that again.
Cynthia: And… So…
Frank: Feelings give our emotions an experience.
Cynthia: An experience.
Nancy: Now you know what, Cynthia?
Cynthia: So we have this energy in motion going, right?
Nancy: yeah, but some people listening to this are going to say “Feelings and emotions are the same thing.” Can you distinguish them?
Cynthia: Many people always say that to me. Absolutely, alright. Well take a moment and feel. What are you feeling right now? Now is there emotion in that feeling? So the thing is, we are already energy in motion.
Kweku: Yes we are.
Cynthia: Which is emotion. We’re already energy in motion and a lot of people don’t even understand that because we’re such physical beings but a lot people don’t have an experience with being energy. And one thing I do in my teachings when I educate is I have an opportunity to give people—I have this Rosey doll that has this connector points that I get people in a circle.
Frank: This isn’t Rosy O’Donnell?
Nancy: Want to clean that up right now.
Cynthia: Yup, right, right.
Nancy: Sticking pins in the Rosy O’Donnell doll…
Cynthia: yeah the Rosy O’Donnell… Well I get people to a circle and she begins to sing when we all connect up. And so that helps people have an experience with their own energy and because it’s so unseen, and so if we have—if we’re energy in motion, we need to go to have a experience with something, okay? And when we have an experience with something, we feel something. Feeling…. I believe that no feeling, no healing. We can’t do anything if we don’t have an experience with it.
You know, you never have a relationship—you can’t have a relationship if you don’t have an experience with something or someone. Even an atom has to have an experience with another atom to do something. So feeling is like our sixth sense. We feel with our heart. They say, with the new science of the heart, what they say is we feel first before we think.
Frank: That’s interesting.
Kweku: That’s new?
Cynthia: Yeah. So…
Frank: To be able to say it, I think is maybe new.
Nancy: Yeah, because most people think they’re thinking is they think first.
Cynthia: Well as I said earlier, you know the heart is 60 times more amplified than any part of our body. So what’s going out from our hearts, say that’s what’s going out from what’s inside of us and what’s coming back to us, say the heart—what we can measure despite thousand times more electromagnetic than any part of our body, okay? So what we’re putting out from our heart is coming back to us a hundred times fast.
Cynthia: What’s being out is coming back. So out of all your body—even your brain, your heart is the main communicator. In fact, the heart is the central communication center of every single cell in your body.
Frank: I’m going to diligently work during this interview to keep us on the ground, because I can go there with you, I could float up in the air and I could really get into the spirit—I could really feel the interview without considering and channelling our audience. And so what’s important for me to channel to the audience to make sure what we’re talking about is fully understood and also to make sure I fully understand. So let’s… what’s your story? Where’d you get started? Where’d you come from? Why do you do what you do?
Cynthia: Well, we speak about relationships. My story just comes from a place of… you know, difficult childhood which we hear a lot of people talk about having traumas in their life and everything. Through that difficult childhood, I had experiences where I went through many years of rape and sexual abuse, and all those kind of things and I had… to understand what was happening to me. I was paralyzed when I was a kid during that time and it was my way of protecting myself. So once I got away from that, my life changed tremendously, even my health and everything else. So I just sought out in this lifetime about why it is that—why do people, some people suffer and go prove these experiences and disease and other people don’t. And so—
Frank: And what’s the answer?
Cynthia: —I went out searching for the answers.
Frank: What is the answer?
Cynthia: The answer for me is all about love. I love teaching love and consciousness, the core of who we are. And I think a lot of people, we don’t really know what love is. We’re never taught what love is.
Frank: That is SO powerful.
Cynthia: Many people—yeah… You know, one of clients I asked them “What motivates you to get up in the morning?” What motivates you to get up in the morning? So what motivates you guys to get up in the morning?
Nancy: On Thursdays? The show. Well we’re laughing but that’s the fact of the matter is it is the show, it’s like the most fun. I have all day so I can’t wait to get here.
Cynthia: Right. But what’s so at the core that if you keep going and you break that down… So do you love coming in and coming to the show?
Cynthia: Does it make you feel good?
Kweku: It’s alright.
Nancy: Don’t mind him.
Cynthia: You can feel ease, right?
Frank: He’s a hater. Security?
Cynthia: Frank, what motivates you to get up in the morning?
Frank: What motivates me to get… these days, I get up first—I think everything boils down to love and a desire to be loved. So… and what I’m about to say goes there too. At some level, we keep peeling back whatever I’m about to say and we get to a desire to be loved. These days I get up pretty much at 5:30, 5:15 in the morning and I go to the gym, and I enjoy working out, it gets that out of the way every day.
I mean, one of the things I used to have an issue with during the day is—when am I going to exercise? I want to exercise. When am I going to exercise? It would be like a weight on my shoulders and it wasn’t until I got that done during the day that I had that weight come off and another weight put on, and why do I want to exercise? Well, I want to be healthy, and why do I want to be healthy? I want to be around to take care of my wife and my children, and why do I want to do that? Because I love them, and why do I love them? It boils down to I want to be loved and accepted.
Kweku: You know for me? It’s—I do it every day and I think too often… I think this way.
Frank: You mean you get up every day?
Kweku: Listen, I’m trying… I’m [unclear] that bro. I get up every day to motivate myself to be motivated. So often times, I get caught up in the conversation I have with myself as, like Frank just said, you got to work out. When are you going to work out? So I’ll spend most of the day trying to convince myself that you need to be motivated to workout. So I’m surrounded by love but I think too often to me, my focus is motivate myself to be motivated. That’s just—
Frank: [Unclear] at what?
Kweku: So I’m not that guy who sits around all day or the guy who would prefer to just observe the world.
Nancy: Family guy?
Kweku: Yeah, yeah. And just—
Nancy: Couch potato?
Kweku: Yeah so it’s like part of as my personality type, the part is sometimes I don’t feel like doing anything.
Kweku: But I understand that’s not how I should be so I’m constantly motivating myself to be motivated.
Nancy: I hear ya.
Kweku: That’s just generally speaking. I have plenty of days where I’m just like “Let’s get it. let’s do it” but sometimes that’s my thought wake up, [unclear] so get up and motivate yourself to get to work, come home, take care of the kids, do whatever you need to do, that kind of thing.
Frank: And so where are you taking us Cynthia? And I know you got somewhere we’re going to go.
Cynthia: Yeah, absolutely. So you know so I love that you were talking about how you take care of yourself and again, this brings us back to the cell’s love also, the core of who we are. And… I think it has a lot to do with contribution also I this world. Motivation and the love is how can I contribute more love into the world? A lot of people, they don’t feel loved or love in their lives and everything. You end up being a couch potato and you’re not sure what to do with yourself and there’s no motivation because you don’t feel you have anything to contribute. If we don’t love ourselves, the core of who we are, how can we love others? How can we show our children how to love? How can we motivate ourselves and others to do good things and be compassionate with one another and that thing of one another…
Cynthia: Ground level… it’s all about love.
Nancy: So you’re saying that at the center of our capacity to love, is this notion that we have something to contribute?
Cynthia: I believe that. Yes. I believe contribution is huge. I find a lot of people that I’ve been introduced to that someone has asked me “Can you help this person? They’re in a place where they’re wanting to almost take their lives. They don’t feel like they have anything to contribute to the world. They don’t think they have a reason for being here.” And that [unclear / means] to me that there’s an empty heart, that that love, the core of—that our heartbeat is important. I think each individual heartbeat is a signature sound of who they are and every single one of us has a contribution to give to this world and that is our love.
Frank: What I hear, what I heard her say and what I’m feeling that she’s communicating is our love for ourselves allows us to listen to ourselves and see what we’re going through and when we’re able to listen to ourselves and be compassionate with ourselves and accepting with ourselves, and we know how screwed up we are, it allows us to be compassionate with whoever else is in our world and what we see them to be doing that screwed up because we know that we’re just like them.
Nancy: On some level.
Frank: And often we are so good at hiding who we are or building ourselves up to be something yet and only we know who that is or whatever we’re building ourselves to be but… and we get the moral high ground to judge other people because those other people don’t necessarily know who we are like we do.
Nancy: Or are not.
Frank: Yes, yes, yes… and so, yes. Who we are or who we are not.
Frank: And yet, we get the moral high ground to beat other people up. When you really get honest and compassionate with yourself, you don’t feel the need to beat up other people because you realize you don’t want anybody to beat you up.
Nancy: You’re one of them.
Frank: And you’re one of them! You absolutely one of those screwed up people.
Nancy: Yeah. So it sounds like Cynthia, these companion feelings—for lack of a better expression—want is that our core, we have something to contribute. However, on the flip side, we don’t necessarily either feel that we have something to contribute or that the thing that we have to contribute is enough. Because otherwise, we wouldn’t put ourselves in this place of pumping ourselves up to be better than someone else or find someplace where we can take a moral high ground or any kind of high ground and look down on another person, they’re underneath of that is the sense that who we are is insufficient to the task.
Cynthia: Yeah. Well we have lecture going on there, you know. If we’re not valuing ourselves, how can other people value us?
Nancy: Right, right, right.
Cynthia: And a lot of people walk around with that, that self-worth issue or even feeling validated and when you have that experience going on, other people are feeling that. that’s where we get back to the heart, we’re lying to ourselves or whatever. People feel it. they don’t know what is is a lot of times but sometimes you don’t get treated very well and really when we look back at ourselves and we say, “God, how can this person treating me like crap?” and we have to look at ourselves, how we are treating ourselves. Are we criticizing ourselves? Are we knocking ourselves down? Because what we are doing with ourselves, other people will do the same thing.
Nancy: They’re mirroring that.
Cynthia: Yeah. Mirroring, absolutely. I call that “sacred mirrors”.
Frank: We’re talking with the creator of HeartMonics and the founder of the Center for Loving Consciousness. She is Cynthia Gardner O’Neill. Cynthia, would you please tell our listeners what you’re up to and how they can find you.
Cynthia: Well I am up to creating a program called the HeartMonics Approach which is harmonizing the discordant rhythms of the heart that cause pain, anguish and overwhelming stress. The importance of harmonizing the rhythms of the heart is significant to your wellness providers and to you as an individual. So you can go to HeartMonics.org and you can find out more about all that and it is about harmonizing the heart and how important it is to the world because your heartbeat is the signature sound of you and your love as what contribute wonderful things into the world and can really heal not only yourself but others. So…
Frank: What’s say, a book that you can recommend? Like give me a great book.
Cynthia: One of my favourite books ever is “Love without End” and it was written by a woman named Glenda Green and it’s my bible. It is just beautiful, the stories that are in there and is about the love without end Jesus speaks and it is about the love that he was here to teach. So I recommend that highly above anything else. So…
Kweku: Cynthia, what is a “flower essence practitioner”?
Frank: That’s me.
Cynthia: Well since we were talking about flowers earlier…
Kweku: I saw that on the website.
Cynthia: Yeah, flowers is plants and everything… have a life source energy. The energy of the plants and we were talking to energy in motion and all that stuff earlier, but… Flower essence practitioner, I work with life source energy of plants. And so I’m a wilderness outfitter, I actually during the summers take people into the wilderness on horseback and we have an overnight camp near Crestview, Colorado.
Cynthia: And I love taking people out on a wild flower and horses riding workshop. So I teach about what the flowers are speaking to us and when you talk about colors and the essence of the flower… If you look at a flower, each—so many different flowers right? And each flower has its own personality. Each flower has its own essence. And it’s quite a bit like us human beings. When you look at a flower, do you ever see a flower and think it’s ugly?
Cynthia: Okay. This is about the acceptance that we should be having for one another because a flower in different colors, different shapes, different sizes, it smells differently, just the structure of it, the form of it, everything and that’s the same thing with every individual. But do we see the beauty in each one of us? No. But we do see that, the beauty in every single flower. Even a rose that’s been in the ground and is molded and maybe dying and everything, is still a rose.
Nancy: And you’re able to take the essences of those flowers and impact different types of qualities of healing?
Cynthia: Yes, absolutely because a flower essence depending on the environment and where it’s coming from is still carrying the essence of that and as we were talking about mirroring one another or mirroring what were experience on the outside of us as actually what’s going on in the inside. Same thing, when a flower comes into your experience. So when you’re giving a rose on Mother’s Day, there’s a feeling that comes with it. There’s an essence that comes with that flower,—
Nancy: You know what?
Cynthia: —that either resonates with that person or doesn’t.
Nancy: You know, I want to share something with you real quick and with the audience…
Frank: What about the rest of us? Okay.
Nancy: And even you Frank. So Cynthia and I had a conversation a couple days ago preparing for today and I had a microcosmic opportunity to experience of what she does. So when Cynthia called the second time, I was in the thrills of a petite upset.. and so…
Frank: Not you.
Nancy: Indeed. These things do happen. I do get away from myself from time to time. So I have a conversation with my mom about going out for my dad’s birthday and she’s chosen a restaurant I…
Frank: Don’t like.
Nancy: Thank you. I was going to use the word “despise” but despise is a strong word. I want it back, I want to roll it in… right, so Cynthia happens to call minutes after I get out of this conversation and Cynthia says, “Well how do you feel now?” I said, “I’m irritated.” So she says, “Well how would you rather feel?” and I said “I’d rather feel peaceful.” So she said, “Oh okay. Write that down.” So I wrote down: “I’d rather feel peaceful” right? So Cynthia says, “You might want to write that down again.” So I do it. I’m [unclear] to Cynthia. I write it down 7 times and surely enough over the course of just being in the conversation with her and writing down “I’d rather feel peaceful,” I start to feel better.
And I mentioned this because you’re talking about flower essences and I’m thinking about how basically you… you helped me to take a similar phenomenon—meaning, the energy or essence of the words we use to describe how we feel to transition out of an uncomfortable space. So I start feeling better. The conversation with Cynthia goes on and what I didn’t have a chance to share with you, Cynthia, was that after our conversation, I felt a 100% better—almost like the interaction with me and my mother never happened.
Frank: I see you haven’t told us it was your mom.
Nancy: It was my mom.
Frank: Ahhh! Now we’re getting [unclear]…
Nancy: So I go through the rest of my day, I go home and lo and behold, I pull up in front of my house and who would be headed my way but my mother, right?
Frank: Ah it wasn’t who would be—it wasn’t “who would be beheaded”?
Nancy: No, there was no “beheading” going on.
Nancy: I had just flipped around and parked my car. My mother’s heading in my direction. She actually had to stop and give something to a neighbour. So she… I’m like, okay, this is it. This is it. I’m going to have this conversation with her about this restaurant. I’m going to let her know that I don’t want to go and how I felt in the conversation earlier—because I’m thinking, that’s what it means to get clear, okay? Well, she pulls up and my auntie is in the car and she’s hyped. My mother’s just wired. So I’m like, okay. Maybe this isn’t the time to have this conversation. So I let it go and I’m still in a good place, she’s in a good place. Well lo and behold… Yesterday, my mother calls Cynthia and says…
Frank: Called Cynthia?
Nancy: Calls me.
Nancy: I’m saying Cynthia to give her a closure on the incident. My mother calls, suggests a completely different restaurant that I don’t mind at all and now we’re going someplace totally different. She’s happy, I’m happy and she says, “Well I have to check in with your father and see how he feels.” I said, “Mom, let me just say for him, he loves the idea.” So just so you know, changing the way you—even the way you language, how you feel—
Nancy: It’s like okay, I’m feeling like crap right now. Well, the key question was: How would I rather feel? And when I hung out in that space before I know it, that is how I felt. And sometimes, it can sound a little oversimplified but if it works, work it.
Frank: A little oversimplified, long story…
Nancy: Sorry Cynthia… It is Frank’s show…
Frank: Actually… It’s Cynthia’s show.
Nancy: But it is about relationship… thank you, Cynthia. I just want to say thank you, really.
Cynthia: Yeah. Thank you for receiving.
Frank: Cynthia, how do you strengthen coping abilities that allow you to change with ease?
Cynthia: Oh my goodness… Changing coping abilities… Well it’s so much easier to cope with things when you’re at peace inside of yourself, when you’re at harmony with—in your heart. You can make wiser decisions and when we are harmonizing our hearts, you don’t get taken out that easy, and you don’t take things personally. I think this is the biggest thing that happens to people if they take other people’s stuff personally as it is without them. This is again what interferes with our own sense of being is a lot of times, we take on other people’s stuff thinking that it’s ours.
So… We cope so much better when we love ourselves and create harmony within our hearts. That way, there isn’t a discordant energy going on, you know… so that we get triggered-easy. We don’t’ make it about ourselves. When we get triggered, when we get uncomfortable and we don’t know how to deal with the situation, it basically comes from a discomfort that’s within you. It’s your feeling about the situation.
Cynthia: And a lot of times, people will blame others for how they feel… and we need to take responsibility for that. So, once people begin to take responsibility of what they’re feeling inside of them, it makes it so much easier for conversation to happen, for communication to happen, to be more authentic and honest with ourselves.
Cynthia: Yeah, understanding. You know, I was—
Cynthia: Well I have 5 levels of consciousness I’d like to work with… and it starts first with awareness. A lot of people, it’s important for them to be aware of what they’re feeling… When people are in pain, they think that it’s always going to be that way and they’re not aware that they don’t have to stay there.
So my first thing is the first level of consciousness—aware. Become aware of really where you’re at. No feeling, no healing. And then once we are aware of what that is and that we can change it, we go to receiving the knowledge. So that’s the second level of consciousness is receiving knowledge that helps us change what’s going on that we’re uncomfortable with or that we’re unhappy with.
Once we receive that knowledge, we have more understanding—that’s the third level of consciousness. When we begin to understand and say “Oh I get that. I see…” here comes the light. It’s flowing in. The next level, the fourth level of consciousness I say is acceptance. Accepting ourselves, accepting others and when we begin to accept one another and ourself, we move into the fifth level of consciousness which is love.
Cynthia: That loving consciousness.
Frank: Beautiful [unclear].
Cynthia: That self-love… And all of those have to do, they start with self.
Cynthia: And this would be a little [unclear / woowoo] with you guys. I believe the acronym for self is Source, Energy, Love, Frequency. You are that source, energy, love, frequency. So let’s just increase the dose of love and just rock it into the world. That’s our contribution to the world when we get back to contribution.
You know, Martin Luther King, Jr. he says—I have loved a quote that he has and he says “Life functions persistent and urgent question is what are you doing for others? And when I heard that quote, I thought the most wonderful thing that I feel I can do for others is to love more to increase that dose of love into the world, and harmonize my heart… Each time I harmonize my heart, I help others do the same.
I always say what I’m learning, I teach best. When I’m healing inside myself, I heal another.
Frank: Absolutely. We’ve been talking with the creator of HeartMonics and the founder of the Center for Love and Consciousness, Cynthia Gardner O’Neill. Cynthia, one more time—last time, please tell our listeners what you’re up to and how they can find you.
Cynthia: Well you can find me at HeartMonics.org and I am providing programs and courses on learning about the heart. I call it the “HeartMonics Approach” and it is all about harmonizing the heart and increasing the dose of love into the world.
Frank: Along today’s journey, we’ve discussed self-worth, whether the love or require revelation first and coping abilities. I hope you’ve learned as much as I’ve had talking with Cynthia Gardner O’Neill about using our hearts to improve our outcomes.
As always, it’s my wish for you to walk away from this conversation with a heaping helping of useful information that I hope you create a relation that’s as loving and accepting as possible.
Let us know what you think of today’s show at facebook.com/relationshipflove, on Twitter at @mrfranklove or at franklove.com. If you’re listening via Blog Talk Radio, make sure you like us there and if via iTunes, make sure you subscribe so that you can receive each week’s show.
This is Frank love.
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