Blog“I Know!”

In my previous blog, “Impatient Communication: Interrupting,” I discussed the common problem in loving relationships where partners show impatience in communication with partners.Ever have someone respond to something you share with the phrase, “I know”?

I’m learning more about language and how word choice matters—how what others say rubs me and how what I say rubs them. It’s an interesting journey, one that gets me closer to being the loving husband, father, and citizen I wish to be. On our Thursday night support group call, Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships (7pm to 8:30pm every Thursday night at FranksWeeklyCall.com), we recently discussed word choice. In line with that conversation about word choice is a conversation about phrase choice.

My family was recently unloading the car, and as I brought in the remaining few items, my wife said, “Babe, I brought in the blanket from the car.” I responded, “I know.” I had just seen her bring in the blanket, and I thought she was stating the obvious, which I believed to have been pointless. She took my comment in stride and did not seem to think anything of it. 

I have said, “I know,” in the past, but there was something special about this time because I heard myself. I felt what she may have felt. And I wasn’t satisfied with either. What I heard was a smart as$. Maybe I wasn’t being an all-out jerk. But I heard a smart as$ who was demonstrating an unnecessary edge. I realized my wife may have felt slighted. She may have heard me saying to her, “You didn’t need to tell me that,” or “I already knew that.” There’s a bite to that communication—one that that I want to get rid of when I speak with her (and anyone else). 

What was of particular importance in my self-examination was not just getting rid of the bite but figuring out why that bite existed in the first place. Where had it come from? Why was I OK talking to her like that? Is it my desire to seem independent—as if I don’t need her? Or is it something else? 

I realized I have a desire to feel as though I am strong. I want to feel as though I don’t need her to communicate something to me that I already have a handle on. I have it all under control. I don’t need you. And your feelings don’t matter to me when I feel insulted. 

At times I want to believe that I can be successful in whatever I am doing, without my wife. Certainly I can make sure that a blanket gets in the house without her help. But why would I have a problem with her bringing it in? And why would I have a problem with her communicating to me that she has done so? I had been helped twice and showed no appreciation for it. This is an opportunity for me to improve.

I appreciate her letting me off the hook and not calling me to task on my smartassery. In doing so, whether consciously or unconsciously, she gave me space to have this valuable conversation with myself. But even though she let it ride, that doesn’t mean she didn’t have an unpleasant reaction to it. I can do better.

My wife’s feelings and experiences matter to me. If she feels happy, it matters to me. If she feels sad, it matters to me. If she feels inadequate, it matters to me. Her experiences matter to me because she matters to me, and no matter what the experience is, it is affecting or will affect me. This doesn’t mean that I necessarily need to do anything about her experience. But I do care. And I care about how I may complicate the matter or possibly help it, if that is what’s best.

In my heart, I don’t what to bite her or snap at her because I don’t want her to be bitten and to have the feelings associated with being bitten. I want her to feel affirmed. I want her to feel appreciated. I want her to feel loved.

If I feel insulted—even in a minor way—I get the ripe opportunity to be loving and supportive. I get to take care of my wife and create the loving space I wish to cultivate in my relationship and in my family.

As I continued reflecting, the beauty and power of affirmation became clearer to me. Instead of proclaiming my independence when she displays a desire to connect or makes an attempt at connecting, I can affirm her. I can let her know that I appreciate her and appreciate her communication. This may look like, “Babe, I brought the blanket in from the car.” “Got it.” “Understood.” Or “Thank you.” Each of these are statements show an appreciation for being communicated with; and hopefully they will be received as an appreciation of our partner.

As we go about our mundane, day-to-day life and rituals, let’s take a moment to assess the quality and the spirit of the interactions we have with our partner. Let’s take care of them, and let’s be honest with ourselves when we are not doing so. I’ll be looking to you for ideas and beautiful examples of a loving interaction with your partner. I hope that I am conducting myself in a manner that is worthy of review also.

Keep Rising,

Frank Love 

In my next blog post, “My Husband Doesn’t Want Me to Wash Before Sex,” I will share an interesting insight I gained in straight talk with a group of men about sexual preferences.

Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”

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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.

• Tuesdays—Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
• Thursdays—Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships

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Frank Love coaches individuals toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.