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BlogPaying for Only Our Children

August 20, 2021by Frank Love2

Growing up, I had a very close friend named Kimani. Kimani and I went to school together and spent a great deal of time together. We rolled—I spent many nights at his place, and he at mine. Because we were both raised by our parents, many of our interactions included at least one of them.

On his side, the parent that Kimani and I spent the most time with was his father, Baba Ike (pronounced “EE-kay”). Baba Ike was a 300 lb., 6’6″ Black man. I don’t think I ever heard him yell or saw him visibly angry. But he was a serious man. He was also a hard man. He would tell you, “I don’t like people” and “People are stupid” in a heartbeat . . . and he meant it. Can a man like this be loving? Absolutely. And I loved him—then and now. I loved him and showed him that I loved him until his death in 2010, long after his son and I stopped hanging out.

He took care of me. He helped raise me. If I was at Kimani’s when we went to the movies, there was never a question about who was paying. It was always Baba Ike. When Kimani and I went to eat, Baba Ike paid. If I needed a ride home, Baba Ike said, “Don’t ask me if I can take you home. Just get in the car, and I’ll assume that I am taking you home.” We even vacationed in the Bahamas together when I was about 15. I paid $500, for whatever $500 covered. He paid for everything else. That was Baba Ike. In his presence, I felt welcomed, cared for, and loved. And given that these experiences continue to resonate with me decades later, while also influencing how I deal with nieces, nephews, and my children’s friends, his impact was significant and is on-going.

In some of my male or father communities, and generally over the years in life, I have often heard men have conversations that implied that children are a money-suck, a financial burden. But Baba Ike, like other men in my young life, never (at least to my recollection) treated his children or me as financial burdens. Nevertheless, it is clear the sentiment is real and is, at least to some degree, prevalent. The concept of child-support certainly doesn’t help, but that’s for another blog. To those who resonate with this feeling of burden, I offer the following . . .

When there is a murder, who is the first person the police investigate? The spouse. Why? Because the spouse is in close proximity to the victim, and we tend to hurt the people who we are close to. Our children live in a similar world—most often hurt by those closest to them. Jealously and envy develop because we want what our friends have or do. The dynamic is real and dangerous. Do we want this for our children? I don’t. And the way I can best avoid a child’s perception of inequity is to be inclusive.

It may seem strange, but crime is often related to a perception of inequity. And the more that equity exists, the better we will take care of one another. Yes, my responsibility is certainly to my children. But it extends to their circle of friends and to our community at-large.

Our collective riches are our relationships, not money. And there are very few endeavors that cannot be accomplished through relationships when we don’t have money. I have heard and experienced numerous stories where Grandma (or whoever) had no money but put together a meal for everyone who was hungry. This is relationship-building.

Yes, it’s a cliché, “children are the future.” But it’s true. And we get a chance to invest in our future by caring for every person in our lives, particularly children.  Instead of viewing children as an albatross because of the financial element, let’s look at them as a relationship we are developing. Spend the money. Give the money away. It will come back to you in unexpected ways. This isn’t how the world markets children; few commercials laud this suggestion. However, it is very real.

And if we can’t afford to spend $50 on admission to an amusement park for our child and four of their friends, don’t take them to the amusement park! Just take them to the regular old park where it’s free. We’ll be amazed at the satisfaction the children experience by simply being together and we feel by helping them do so. We can also show young people that each of them ha

s a loving place in our lives that money will not make or break. Wow!!! Imagine them teaching the next generation the same thing. We’ll delve deeper into the difference inclusion can make in the life of a child in the next blog.

Let’s take care of our world, and our world will take care of us.

Keep Rising,

Frank Love

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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.

 

  • Tuesdays—Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
  • ThursdaysBlack Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships

 

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Frank Love coaches individuals toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.

 

2 comments

  • Dis Morgan

    August 22, 2021 at 9:55 PM

    Awesome read, it took me back to my childhood when my parents became the neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods parents as well as our immediate friends. I am definitely a product of such outstanding upbringing. Not until now I’m realizing that I to carry such love for my children’s friends and loving the fact that I can add an additional layer of love and purpose in their lives.

    Reply

    • Frank Love

      August 22, 2021 at 10:44 PM

      Thanks so much for reading and sharing Dia.

      Reply

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