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BlogWe’re Moving at Different Speeds. What Now?

August 7, 2021by Frank Love0

Many of you know that I am divorced and remarried. When my first marriage ended, I told anyone listening that I was not getting married—in anyone’s legal fashion—ever again. My future partner and I could do everything that married people did. But I never again wanted other people, including a judge, to feel comfortable making assumptions about my relationship and commitments with my partner, without even talking to me, because I was legally married. This included monogamy, child-rearing, and monetary agreements. I didn’t want a legal connection with a partner beyond exactly what we agreed to. I certainly explained this to my current wife. (You probably see where this is going . . .)

To solidify how important this desire was to me, when we decided to have a child and live together, I wanted to draft a written agreement that noted, in part, that we were not legally married, we were not intending to be legally married, and we didn’t want to be legally perceived as married—even if we referred to ourselves as married in social situations. This was important to me because we lived in DC where common-law marriage rules can consider you “married” if you lived together for over a year. She wanted to be married but was willing to go along with my wishes; so we drafted and signed an agreement.

Years later, we decided to have a ceremony that introduced us to the community as life partners—a “Celebration of Love” ceremony, not a wedding. Once again I wanted it in writing that we were not legally marrying; this time we went to our lawyers to draft our agreement. While sitting with my lawyer and listing all the caveats and contingencies I wanted taken into consideration in our relationship and if there was a split, my lawyer said, “You’ve listed everything you’d like to see happen if you split. Why don’t you just get married?”

I just sat there without a response, though trying to think of a reason to backhand his question. I loved her. I liked her. And I had every intention of being with her long-term. My issues were simply the breakup considerations . . . and those were settled now. As I exited the lawyer’s office, I called her and said, “Babe, let’s get married,” and she said “Ok.”

What’s the point here? Our relationship was an example of one where the two parties are moving at different speeds or where one individual may seem to be more committed to some aspect of the relationship than the other. These relationships can still work if one is willing to be patient in the moment or even over time.

Each week I facilitate a call (every Thursday at 7pm EST) with men who are interested in being more loving in their relationship. Interested men can connect to that call (FranksWeeklyCall.com) and be part of a gathering who are supporting one another as we work with and through relationship challenges.

During each call, a brother is invited to present a challenging relationship issue he is facing. During last week’s call, the issue brought to the floor was what do you do when one of the two of you feels more or less invested in the relationship.

As you can imagine, the conversation was rich. One brother shared about being confronted by a previous sexual partner (one of two of his future wife’s co-workers whom he had sex with). She called him a dog in front of his new interest (now his wife). However, his future wife quickly checked her by responding, “That’s between y’all. That has nothing to do with him and me.”

The brother was dumfounded and impressed. “Huh! Where they do that at?” he asked himself as he realized that she was special. It was clear to him that she was more invested than he was at that point in their relationship. She was just another woman he was “running through” . . . until that moment. He indicated to us he probably would not have stood up for her if the situation were reversed. But her willingness to continue a connection with him in the face of a circumstance that would have led many to walk away turned him around and helped to settle him into a marriage that is over 15 years old and has been blessed with two babies.

His story and mine illustrate that we can be patient with each other, and it can pay off. In both stories the males moved at a pace likely unpreferred by the females; but they stayed with their men and were presumably rewarded. However, this dynamic is not one-sided. Men get to be patient with women when they are moving in a way or at a pace that the men find uncomfortable.

In fact, I am reminded of a story in one of Walter Mosley’s Leonid McGill books. McGill’s wife was having a sexual relationship with another man. The other man left revealing photos of himself with Leonid’s wife for Leonid to find. Leonid, being a private investigator, figured out who left the photos and then threatened the man, exclaiming something like If you ever attempt to hurt my wife again, I will hurt you.

This is an example of the shoe being on the other foot—a male showing patience to his female companion—and it helps illustrate the importance of having our partner’s back, even when some might think they don’t have ours.

We all have our histories, tragedies, and troubles. And along the journey of a relationship, it is highly unlikely that we will remain comfortably joined at the hip at all times. There will probably be discomfort and differences, sometimes differences in commitment or investment level. When this occurs, we don’t need to get even or defend ourselves or our honor. Sometimes the most productive and loving thing to do is to remind our partners that we love them and that we are with them.

It may seem antithetical to our culture of retaliation and winning-at-all-costs to avoid escalating the situation. But most often, our partners are not trying to actively hurt us; they are working out their own issues and challenges. When we find this uncomfortable, we can always remind them that we care about them and that we are sincerely invested.

A long-term investment in a short-term situation can work wonders. Consider trying it.

Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”

 

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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.

 

  • Tuesdays—Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
  • ThursdaysBlack Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships

 

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Frank Love coaches individuals toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.

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