How to bolster our friends and show love while remaining neutral on their problematic relationship.
In my previous blog post, “Should Visiting Children Work?,” we talked about encouraging our children’s visiting friends to assist with chores as a way to help build community.
In a recent entry to the Washington Post’s “Asking Eric” column, a reader shared a dilemma about a friend who refuses to sever ties with an ex who treated her poorly. The reader, frustrated and exhausted by the constant retelling of painful stories, struggles to understand why the friend won’t move on. Eric Thomas, the columnist, advised setting a boundary: Let the friend know that, while she is loved and supported, continuing conversations about the ex are no longer productive.
However, this situation raises a deeper question: How do we support our friends without becoming enablers of their pain—or assuming that everything they say is the full truth?
When Sharing Becomes a Cycle of Unhealthy Dependence
It’s easy to take sides when a friend is hurting. We want to protect them, validate their feelings, and sometimes even vilify the person they claim has wronged them. But friendship need not blindly support a narrative. Friendship can also uplift and empower, without fueling dependency or unverified assumptions.
There are times when a friend may get trapped in a cycle of recounting their struggles, not because they are seeking resolution, but because the act of sharing their pain provides them with connection and emotional validation. The friend referenced in “Asking Eric” repeatedly tells her stories of mistreatment, even as she refuses to distance herself from the reported source of her pain. This pattern suggests that the resulting comfort, reassurance, and sympathy may be the goal.
It is also worth considering that we may not know the full story. We usually see, at best, fragments of a relationship, moments of pain or joy, but not the entire picture. In the “Asking Eric” column, the frustrated reader hears about the ex’s cruel words but isn’t present in the everyday interactions between the friend and her ex-boyfriend. This highlights a common issue: We form judgments based on partial information.
It’s important to support friends emotionally. It is also important to recognize that our friend’s perspective may or may not be completely objective. Friends may exaggerate, omit key details, or even unconsciously shape the story in a way that keeps them feeling validated.
Breaking the Pattern Without Abandoning a Friend
A healthier approach is to shift the focus away from judgment and toward genuine support. Eric Thomas recommends an approach that prioritizes personal boundaries, advising the friend to say something like, “I love you, I care about you, and I can’t stand by while you get hurt. But rehashing the last bad thing he did doesn’t work for me.” This way, the friend maintains their emotional well-being while still offering love and support.
Beyond setting boundaries, another approach is to redirect the conversation and strengthen the relationship in other ways. Instead of saying, “He’s a terrible person. You should cut him off,” try saying, “I love you, and I want to see you happy. What do you need right now?” Offer companionship, not just counsel. Have lunch together, watch movies, and enjoy life outside the drama. We can let our friend know we’re there for them, not against someone else.
At the same time, it’s important to recognize that a friend may be relying on our support in a way that prevents them from moving forward. If a friend seems to be more invested in talking about the pain than taking steps to heal, it may be time to have an honest conversation. We might say, “I am available to be supportive of you. I am not available to judge him.” This kind of gentle challenge invites connection based on love, rather than a dislike of a common enemy.
Supporting While Staying Neutral
Another important aspect of healthy friendship is recognizing that we don’t have to fully believe everything our friend says to still support them. If we weren’t present for the interactions they describe, it’s okay to remain neutral. Instead of assuming their ex is as awful as they claim, shift the focus to their feelings: “I hear that you’re hurt, and I care about you. However, the details are not important to me. I prefer to remain neutral.”
Being a friend doesn’t mean co-signing every narrative, especially when we don’t have the full context. If our friend continually paints their ex as the villain but refuses to see their contribution to the negative relationship dynamic, we can still be there for them without engaging in their perspective. This prevents us from being pulled into a potentially skewed or unhealthy dynamic while still offering support where it matters.
Positively Empowering Friendships
This principle applies to all relationships—romantic, familial, and friendships alike. We don’t need to make someone else the villain to be a good friend. Instead, we can stand with our loved ones, offering strength and understanding without fueling negativity.
The next time we find ourselves in this situation, let’s take a step back. We don’t have to know every detail of the story. We just get to be a friend. If our friend continues to seek support but refuses to offer us the opportunity to remain neutral, it’s okay to say, “I won’t keep having this conversation, but I’m here for you in other ways.” That’s not abandoning them—it’s modeling the kind of self-respect and strength we want for them too.
In my next blog, “Love Me Like My Father,” I will talk about normalizing a deep love grounded in consistency and safety.
Watch my video Supporting a Friend Without Making an Enemy Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
