Choosing to de-escalate a situation can bring healing to your loving relationship.
In my previous blog post, “I Don’t Care What Other People Think,” we talked about how being in a relationship with others requires an openness to both praise and criticism.
Redman’s Whut? Thee Album holds a special place in my appreciation of hip hop. It dropped in 1992. This was during the first semester when I decided to be serious about my university studies. I often played the album while studying math. It’s a classic; and remains my favorite Redman album.
I recently listened to Talib Kweli (and his co-host) interview Redman. During this interview at 1:53:02, Redman started a profound conversation that resonated with me. He noted:
“When a person is being aggressive towards me, or something like that, I don’t immediately say, ‘Ok, I have the right to be aggressive back.’”
He extrapolated, and I invite you to listen to the rest of his sentiment.
We Don’t Have to Allow People to Trigger Us
I don’t know if you are a Redman fan, but decades ago, he was not known for his diplomacy.
His comment reminded me of the importance of not being triggered by people who are triggered.
We all have our triggers. Things that irritate us, bother us, or set us off. Often, we are triggered and are not aware that we are triggered. Or we don’t even care. I find that the easiest way to identify when I am triggered is when I am—and act—irritated. My irritation-awareness doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated or triggered, but it does help me have an honest conversation with myself so that I can do the work that is important to my development.
However, there is a very important partner in the triggered arena. That partner is the person (people) that we are around and interacting with when we are triggered.
There are many ways to interact with a triggered person. We can soothe them. We can excite them. We can escalate the situation. We can de-escalate the situation. What is very important to be aware of is that we do not have to allow a person who is triggered (or irritated) to trigger us.
Of course, this is easier said than done. I am not aware of many things that aren’t. However, when we care about ourselves and presumably our partner, the work is worth it.
How to Respond in a Positive Way to Trigger Situations
One of the challenges that makes being triggered by people who are also triggered difficult is that we are often taught to defend ourselves when we are offended. “Don’t let anyone take advantage of you,” we are often told. “Don’t let people push you around.” “Don’t let them get away with that.” But we are rarely told or taught how to deal positively or lovingly with the people who are or who we believe to be attacking us. As long as we can articulate that we are being or were attacked, we can justifiably fight.
But justifiably fighting doesn’t often contribute to the creation of a loving culture in our relationship. It frequently creates the virtual opposite—a destructive culture.
Where the conversation becomes fascinating is identifying what we do or may do when we are triggered by the triggered. We may, as previously stated, fight back, walk away, ignore the other person, roll our eyes, or respond with a litany of other gestures. Many of these will simply escalate the situation. These are generally not loving responses. And the way our partner responds is a sure indicator of whether escalation or de-escalation is occurring.
Loving Relationships Demand We De-Escalate Trigger Situations
De-escalation may look like:
- Make an assessment of why our partner is triggered. This can be done by:
- Asking our partner to take a few minutes to process everything
- Instantly reflecting on conversations we may have had in the past
- Instantly reflecting on our partner’s history
- Physically touch our partner in a manner they would welcome.
- Apologize for potentially contributing to our partner’s irritation and articulate an interest in healing the perceived offense.
De-escalation is not usually done by:
- Asking, “What’s wrong with you?”
- Saying, “You’re triggered.”
- Noting some version of, “We can talk when you get yourself together.”
De-escalation, ideally, is rooted in our love for ourselves (we will probably get better long-term results), our partner (when our partner has a positive experience with us they usually associate us with it), and our relationship (we are creating a loving culture).
Create a Moment for Healing Instead of Escalation
Moving forward, when our partner is irritated, let’s do all we can to help them heal. This is appropriate whether our partner associates us with the irritation or not.
Let’s avoid getting irritated because they are irritated. Instead of two people spiraling out of control, let’s instead create a moment where one is helping the other through a challenge.
And that’s loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
In my next blog, “Let’s Raise Spouses,” I will share some thoughts on how to intentionally guide our children to better learn important life skills.
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
