Let’s find ways to intentionally guide children to learn important partnership skills.
In the previous blog post, “Triggered by the Triggered,” we looked at making efforts to respond positively and productively to the people in our lives when they are triggered.
“The best time to start raising a child is 20 years before they are born.” This is a profound proverb. It speaks to a relationship between time and responsibility that I have a deep admiration for.
My oldest child is 25 years old. However, she’ll be 26 soon. If she were to have a child today and the above noted proverb holds true, the preparation for that child’s arrival, ideally, would have started when she was six. It is safe to say that as a six-year-old, my daughter and her child-rearing abilities would have fallen directly under the purview of her mother and me. With this in mind, her mother and I were raising the grandchild(ren) that we could not see while raising the child that we could.
Are We Preparing Our Children to be Good Spouses?
This conversation that I am led (by the proverb) to have with myself also compels me to think about the job, or lack thereof, that I am doing and have done with preparing and teaching my children to be spouses.
Most of us hope our children are and teach our children to be smart, independent, and talented. We want them to grow and be judges, entrepreneurs, and doctors. However, we may forfeit the intention that can exist to create a great spouse.
While raising my children, the importance of diplomacy, interdependence, and wisdom have taken backseats to homework, dance class, sport practice, and mowing the lawn. It is not suggested that they are mutually exclusive. They are not. But they are not the same either.
Skills Important for Being a Good Spouse
For example, providing, a skill that is important to the well-being of a marriage, includes but is not limited to:
- Making money/ earning a living or wage
- Development of a familial order
- Discipline
Making money can certainly be tied to good grades. However, making money may not be taught as a means for providing for a family. After all, many of us see making money as a way of simply satisfying our own dreams and desires.
The development of a familial order can be inclusive of the time management necessary to complete and submit homework and school assignments. However, the direct connection between the time management that is necessary to be successful in school and the time management, patience, and organization required to establish order in a family may not jibe.
Finally, the discipline that is necessary to study and pass quizzes and tests is very different from the discipline that must be accompanied by the smile, the hug, and the patience our spouse may require over decades.
How Do We Teach Nurturing to Our Children?
Nurturing, a skill that is important to the well-being of a marriage, includes but is not limited to:
- Cooking
- Comforting
- Teaching
Cooking isn’t taught in most schools.
Comforting isn’t directly taught in most schools.
Teaching isn’t directly taught in most schools.
If two sets of parents, whose children will one day meet and form a family with the other, are both focusing on their child’s academic and/or athletic abilities instead of their ability to work with and take care of another, we will see a train wreck. Then imagine that most sets of parents (in the United States) are doing the same thing.
The intention is not to suggest what a child should be taught in order for him or her to be a good spouse. The intention is to inspire parents-to-be and parents to become intentional in often having the conversation with themself and their significant other that asks, “How do I teach my child to be a good spouse?” I hope that the first answer (or at least one of the first) that comes from their conversation is “by modeling admirable behavior in our relationship.”
Without this question (and the subsequent conversation), we are failing our children and our grandchildren. This is not a future failing, but one that is occurring right now.
Provide Intentional Guidance to Your Children
Take the time right now and investigate the skills you believe to be important in the success of your child(ren)’s marriage. Then make sure they are intentionally receiving the necessary guidance, preferably from you.
And that’s loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
In my next blog, “Throw Them Away,” I will discuss the challenge of moving past labeling our partners and building the skills to better connect with them.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.
Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating a loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon,com/FrankLove.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
