While we are all selfish, most of us do plenty of nice things for others. It feels good to make people we care about happy and to provide support. But if we aren’t not careful, we can lose sight of our original intentions (i.e., the good feeling that comes from giving), and instead start to ask, “But what’s in it for me?” This is not a bad thing, but the egocentric desire to keep score can ruin the enjoyment of simply giving.
For example, I recently ran into a family friend who owns a business, and I happened be wearing one of his company t-shirts. He was quite tickled to see this, and when I explained that I was happy to show support for his company, he promised to send me one of their polo shirts. I assured him that I would wear it. True to his word, he delivered, and true to mine, I wear it.
But then I started wondering if he would wear my company’s shirt. And if not, why should I wear his? My conversation with myself got pretty heated, despite being completely hypothetical, because I had never even given him a shirt.
Suddenly, it occurred to me that I had lost focus on what was important to me in this situation. I didn’t wear his shirt so he would wear mine. I wore it for the same reason that I wear promotional items for my other friends’ companies. I want to support them because I care about them and/or for being courageous enough to chart their own course in business. I respect this, in part, because it is exactly what I am doing. It has never been about getting other people to support me; yet, here I was, ready to start stuff.
How often have you done something for your own reasons, or based purely on your desire to help, but then found your original intention at odds with your ego? Suddenly, you’re asking yourself questions like, “Would he reciprocate my kindness if the tables were turned?” or “Why isn’t she treating me the same way I’m treating her?”
In these situations, you can save yourself a lot of angst if you simply focus on what is important to you. Why did you do something nice for this person? In my example, I realized that I was much more at ease and at peace when I was simply doing what I wanted to do – before I asked “what if?” So, I rewound and erased that question from my inner dialogue.
This same dynamic often plays out in romantic relationships. Perhaps you like to cook, so you prepare the meals. Then, you think to yourself, “My partner is getting off light on kitchen duty. That’s not fair.” Or maybe you regularly perform some other act for yourself, from which your partner also benefits, and you suddenly realize that he/she doesn’t do the same thing. You may start asking “what if?” questions in order to establish equity, or just to see if your partner appreciates you.
Next time you feel compelled to do so, consider how you felt before you asked “what if?” If you were good, take note of that, and then consider if your ego is motivating you to ask such questions. If your ego is doing the talking, it might benefit from a good talking to (i.e., “Ease up, ego. I’m happy and on track.”).
Sometimes, our egos can get us into trouble just for the sake of stirring up trouble, whereas keeping our minds focused on what really matters to us is more likely to make everyone happy. And that’s pretty Powerful.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
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