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11 comments
The Silverback
May 21, 2012 at 2:14 PM
Once again, an Alpha Male perspective is required. Are you in a Coma Frank?! I don’t know a man that keeps giving and doesn’t tabulate some sort of score. I have never done what you are suggesting, nor do I know the person that’s doing it. I suggest to anyone to periodically look up at the scoreboard, lest you find yourself getting blown our by 30 points and they have to cart you off the field. Unless you like being manipulated and handled…Stop doing this to people Frank. Someone on this blog may be taking you seriously. Do you want to be responsible for further weakening society with your “extra sensitive” views?
Lesley S. M.
May 21, 2012 at 9:50 PM
Hi Frank I really enjoyed your article. I think we all too often do things naturally because we enjoy it and then suddenly find ourselves discussing with that little voice in our head something that we hadn’t thought about probably because something was said in innocence that made us think about it in a different way! not always helpful but human nature.
I find that understanding as you say what is important and staying true to that is fantastically important and shouldn’t be ignored.
Jacquie H.
May 23, 2012 at 12:17 PM
What’s important to me is finding balance within all areas of my life…spending time playing with my kids, going for dates with my husband, taking my dog for walks or runs, going out with friends, having alone time, doing my passion (my business of helping people to light’n up), getting exercise, playing, laughing, basically enjoying LIFE and spreading my light as i do it!
Frankie P.
May 23, 2012 at 7:51 PM
With me it’s Breathing….I get up every morning just wanting to breath…once I do that I know I have a shot at the rest of the day…
Pat Westermann
May 27, 2012 at 1:30 AM
Relationships are not unconditional. Character traits or personality traits can not be expected to change, however, learned behaviors can be expected to change if they are unacceptable to a partner. Of course, this only holds true if the other partner is willing to change that behavior. The other partner can then decide if the behavior is worth breaking the relationship over. http://www.daisynut.com “Long Lasting Relationship Help”
Catherine R. H.
May 27, 2012 at 1:31 AM
@ Wendy… you are smart to pay attention to those warning signs. Behavior like that is a sign of an abuser. You’ve paid attention to your instincts and that is very wise! 🙂
Pat Westermann
May 27, 2012 at 1:32 AM
@ Catherine…no one should stay in an abusive relationship. And no one should ever think they will wake up one morning and it will stop. It won’t without help. Abuse is a learned behavior and unless that person recognizes it and is willing to get help, they will never stop it by themselves.
Philippa W.
May 27, 2012 at 1:33 AM
@Pat…Yes Pat I agree, personality and character traits rarely change while a partner is holding certain values that are driving their behaviour and maintaining their persona. For example a person who highly values order, rules, stability and behaves in a structured way cannot be expected to behave spontaneously and throw caution to the wind. Equally person who is highly ego – centric (not necessarily narcissistic) but relatively selfish and puts a high value on getting all their needs met before others, may not behave in a way that considers your needs first. However if a person’s values and drives shift there can be dramatic changes in their behaviour. A London-based financial trader I knew went into a personal crisis after the financial meltdown of 2008. Suddenly seeing only futility and selfishness in his previous job, he left the city, re-trained and took up work as a teacher. In the space of a few critical weeks, he had moved from holding a set of values that drove him towards personal ambition and material gain to valuing helping and nurturing others.
Jennifer L.
May 28, 2012 at 1:50 PM
It’s a balancing act isn’t it? Empathy without compromise of your own values. However- how I enjoy walking the tightrope.
David O. Saenz PhD, EdM, LLC (Consulting Psychologist)
May 29, 2012 at 10:30 AM
I often ask clients such questions as:
>> Why are you here– what’s your purpose on earth?
>> What would a wiser 85 year old version of you tell you about who you are and what you’re becoming (or how to solve this issue)?
>> Life is led in 3 acts, you’re at the end of act 2 (or 1 or 3)… how would you like this act to end so that it held the most meaning for you and prepared you for the next act?
>> What are you most grateful for in life?
>> What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?
>> Look at your life now. Are you living the life of your dreams or the life you want to live now?
Such questions shift the focus way from the “ego” you mention and turn the client towards convictions and life values– this makes therapy that much more purposeful and meaningful.
Often, in therapy, we will complete a Life Balance Wheel (Coaching Mandela), and it’s an eye opener because it compels the client to take stock of their life along 8 self prescribed domains (e.g, health, financial independence, family, romance, etc.). It leads to considerable action on their part, but it also helps lead one from doing and having… to BEING.
Good post Frank, as always!
Natalie R.
May 29, 2012 at 10:32 AM
I think if we’re not careful when we do many nice things for others, others will take advantage of our unselfishness, resulting in people being unappreciative.
I think if we’re not careful when we do many nice things for others, others will take advantage of our unselfishness, resulting in people being unappreciative.