I recently watched a short video. The message really hit home. It was simple, yet profound. The gist was: Don’t argue. If you’re arguing, you’re not listening.
I really needed to hear this message.
One of the things I often struggle with in my relationship is the urge to correct or clarify—to make sure that a point my wife is making is completely accurate. If she says something I don’t believe is correct, my first instinct is to step in and correct it. I want to get the facts right. I want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding or misrepresentation.
But when I do that, I’m missing something much more important.
If We’re Correcting, Then We’re Not Listening
The bigger picture is that I’m not actually listening—not in the way that really matters. And if I’m not listening, then I’m not truly connecting.
I get caught up in the facts and lose sight of the feelings. I’m wrapped up in what is being said rather than tuning in to why it’s being said. And that’s where I get to do better.
Maybe you can relate.
That same video went on to say that arguing isn’t just about not listening—it’s also about being defensive. And when we get defensive, we create distance.
Our partner doesn’t just want us to hear them; they want to feel seen, valued, and understood. They want to know that what they’re sharing matters to us, that their words mean something, and that their emotions aren’t being dismissed in favor of a technicality.
It’s not about the facts. It’s about the connection.
Why Do We Argue Instead of Listen?
This made me take a step back and reflect. Why do I want to correct or modify the details?
I want to discuss the entire issue (as I see it). Not just her side. I want to make sure the conversation is full.
But the act of correcting (in my case) and arguing, in many cases, often means losing some things that are more important—closeness and intimacy.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been guilty of this. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the need to correct isn’t worth it.
What’s worth it? Being present. Being open. Being a real partner.
How to Shift from Arguing to Listening
What’s the solution?
If you’re like me and you struggle with getting caught up in facts over feelings, here are a few things to try:
- Pause before responding.
Before jumping in to correct something, I get to take a moment and ask myself: Does this really need to be clarified, or is the bigger issue that my partner wants to be heard? - Listen for emotion, not just words.
Instead of focusing on what is technically right or wrong, let’s listen for the emotion behind what’s being said. What is our partner really trying to communicate?
- Validate before clarifying (if we must).
If we really feel the need to correct something (and it is strongly suggested that we do not do so), first let’s make sure our partner knows that we hear and understand them. Let’s first recap their point. Then, ask if our recap is accurate. If it isn’t, request clarity; then begin again. If the recap is accurate, say something like, “I get why that upsets you. I see how that made you feel.” Then, if necessary, gently clarify.
- Check for defensiveness.
Let’s ask ourselves: Am I reacting out of a need to be right, or am I genuinely trying to understand? If you realize you’re being defensive, take a breath and shift your focus back to connection.
- Ask questions instead of correcting.
Instead of saying, “That’s not what happened,” we can try asking, “Is this how you remember it?” or “Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?” Questions invite discussion. Corrections invite arguments.
The Hard Truth about Listening
Listening sounds simple, but it can be hard for many of us. Really listening requires setting aside our ego. It means choosing connection over control, love over being right.
Many of us have a hard time with that.
But when we do—when we truly listen without defending or fixing—we create the kind of relationships that don’t just survive but thrive.
A Challenge: Choose Connection Over Being Right
My challenge to you (and to myself) is the next time we find ourselves wanting to argue, pause.
Ask ourselves: Am I really listening? Am I really trying to connect, or am I just trying to win or be right?
Try choosing connection instead. See what happens.
And that’s loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
Watch my video Don’t Argue: Connection stems from listening, not correcting. Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.
Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating a loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon,com/FrankLove.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
