How a new partner relates to stepchildren is an important relationship consideration.
In my previous blog post, “Frequent Sex,” we looked at making a conscious choice to connect rather than embrace conflict to strengthen our relationships.
I am proud to honor my wife—a woman who has been an incredible stepparent, bonus parent, co-parent, and partner. She has cultivated strong, loving relationships with my two children from a previous relationship, and I couldn’t have asked for a better bonus parent for them and me.
But this conversation isn’t just about celebrating her. It’s also about highlighting an often-overlooked aspect of relationships: the role of stepparents and how they shape the dynamics of a family.
Overcoming Stepparent Challenges
Recently, I watched a short video that posed a compelling question: What is the number one factor contributing to child abuse in the home?
The answer surprised many people—the presence of a stepparent.
Now, while that may be a difficult reality in some homes, I am grateful to say that this is not my family’s experience. In fact, my wife has done an extraordinary job as a stepparent to my two oldest children.
For the past seventeen years, she has nurtured a loving relationship with them, making them feel welcome, valued, and deeply connected—not only to her but to their siblings as well. She never refers to them as half-siblings or treats them any differently. In our home, they are simply brothers and sisters, and she has played a key role in fostering that unity.
Choosing a Partner: Going Beyond Looks and Chemistry
When we enter new relationships, especially as parents, we often focus on romantic attraction, financial stability, and personal compatibility. However, we sometimes overlook one of the most critical factors—how our partner will engage with our children from previous relationships.
- Will they embrace all of our children as part of their life?
- Will they cultivate respect, care, and connection with them?
- Do they have the emotional intelligence to support and nurture a blended family?
Many people don’t even plan to integrate their new partner with their existing children. Some don’t intend to bring their children together at all. If we are serious about building strong, cohesive family units, we must be intentional about choosing partners who will contribute to that unity—not create division.
What Makes a Great Stepparent?
Not everyone is cut out to be a stepparent, and that’s okay. But if you’re considering a new relationship and you already have children, pay attention to the signs that indicate whether your potential partner is ready for that role. If the goal is to integrate everyone into your life completely and cohesively, certain traits are invaluable.
For instance, my wife had a unique upbringing that shaped her ability to be an incredible stepparent. She grew up with a brother who was only twelve months older than she was, but they had different mothers. Despite any differences their mothers may have had, they prioritized the sibling relationship and made sure both children felt equally welcomed in each other’s homes.
That experience helped shape my wife into a loving, inclusive, and supportive stepparent. She understands the importance of connection and belonging, and she has demonstrated that in our family every step of the way.
Honoring Stepparents and Being Intentional
If we have a partner who is an amazing stepparent, give them some flowers! Let them know that their love and efforts are appreciated. Consider celebrating stepmom on Stepmother’s Day (May 18, 2025 or the Sunday after Mother’s Day) or Stepfamily Day (September 16th annually) . Being a stepparent is no easy job, and those who do it with love and integrity deserve to be recognized.
And if we’re dating and have children, let’s make sure the manner in which our potentially long-term partner relates to our kids is a top priority in our relationship decision-making process. Love is more than attraction—it’s care, commitment, and the willingness to embrace all aspects of our life.
Not everyone is ready to be a stepparent. That’s okay. But if an interconnected family is important to you, take the time to choose wisely, observe carefully, and prioritize partners who foster unity and love. And that’s loving.
Keep rising.
Frank Love
Watch my video “The Power of a Loving Stepparent” Related to this blog.
In my next blog, “Don’t Argue,” I will discuss why it’s better to just listen and connect with our partners rather than trying to correct the details of what’s being said.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
