Taking accountability for our role in faulty communication.
This is the second part of a recent blog, Don’t Argue . In that piece I note that arguing means we’re not listening. Instead, we are being defensive. In doing so, we are not prioritizing our partner’s emotional experience.
That message hit me hard, and I’ve been working to apply it in my relationship with my wife and in all my interactions.
There’s another layer to that conversation, and it’s one many of us—myself included—struggle with.
Deflecting to Avoid Responsibility
Once we recognize that arguing means we’re not prioritizing our partner, a tricky little voice inside us often whispers, Well, if I’m arguing, that means my partner is arguing too . . . so they’re not prioritizing me either!
It sounds logical, right? Maybe even fair. But it’s a game. A deep one. And a pointless one.
Shifting the accountability is a tactic we often use to take responsibility away from ourselves and place it on someone else. Instead of acknowledging, “Wow, I need to work on this,” we say, “Well, they’re doing it too, so I’m not the only problem,” or, “They’re doing it too, so I’ll work on it when they work on it.”
Whether our partner is just as screwed up as we are, and they may or may not be, does not change the work that we are obligated to do for ourselves and our relationship.
When we engage in this cycle, we are avoiding responsibility. We are avoiding the need to make a change. And that avoidance is what keeps our relationships stuck in unhealthy patterns.
The Hard Truth: You Are the Problem
I’m not saying this from a place of judgment—I’m communicating with myself.
I know what it feels like to defend instead of listening. I’ve wanted to shift the focus away from my own actions. And I’ve believed that if my partner is also arguing, then I don’t have to be the one to make a change. At least not first.
But if we truly want to create a loving culture in our relationships, we get to stop playing this game.
If we recognize that arguing is harming our connection, then we get to be the first to step up. We get to take the lead in changing the dynamic, rather than waiting for our partner to do it.
We step up and take the lead because we know:
- If we’re arguing, something in our relationship isn’t healthy.
- If we’re arguing, one or both people aren’t truly listening. Note: If there is only one person not listening, it’s you.
- If we’re arguing, one or both people are being defensive. If there is only one person being defensive, it’s you.
If we do not take a sincere look and subsequent ownership of the problem, we’re are probably not helping to build a loving relationship.
A Simple but Powerful Shift to Accountability
Next time we sense an argument beginning, pause. Let’s take a breath. Instead of immediately thinking, Well, you do it too, we listen.
Let their words sink in. Let’s sit with it.
If our first instinct is to defend ourselves by pointing the finger back at our partner, we get to recognize that this is part of our game of avoiding accountability.
If our go-to response when confronted with an issue is to blame our partner, then yes, we are the problem.
That doesn’t mean our partner is perfect. It doesn’t mean they don’t have work to do too. But our work is ours to own—and no one else can do it for us.
Breaking the Cycle
How do we actually stop playing this game and become responsible?
- Accept that we can only control ourselves.
We can’t stop our partner from arguing, but we can choose to not argue with them.
- Listen with the intent to understand, not to reply.
Instead of formulating a comeback or a counterpoint, focus on truly understanding what our partner is feeling and why.
- Drop the scorekeeping.
Relationships aren’t about who’s right or who’s wrong—they’re about connection. If we’re keeping score, we’re creating distance (and we are the problem).
- Lead with self-awareness.
Ask ourselves: “Am I actually listening, or am I just reacting?” Recognizing our own habits is the first step toward change.
- Be the first to make the adjustment.
If we see that something isn’t working in our relationship, we get to be willing to lead the way in making a shift, without waiting for our partner to go first.
Let’s Choose Growth
If we recognize that we’ve been playing the aforementioned game, let’s stop.
Instead of deflecting responsibility, let’s own our actions and the problematic traits that we bring to our relationship.
Instead of arguing, let’s listen.
Instead of saying, “Well, they do it too,” let’s ask ourselves, “What can I do differently?”
That’s growth. That’s how we create a better culture in our relationships. And that’s loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
In my next blog, “No One Makes You Feel Bad,” I will talk about emotional responsibility and not blaming others solely for how we feel.
Watch my video You Are the Problem: Taking accountability for our role in faulty communication. Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
