Moving Past Labels: Building Skills for Healthier Relationships
In my previous blog post, “Let’s Raise Spouses,” we talked about intentionally guiding our children to learn important life skills.
There are some crazy and screwed up people in the world. They may be narcissistic, gaslighting, or toxic. And there are times when some of these people are very present in our lives.
Even though screwed up people may exist in our lives, we may be attributing unpleasant labels onto some of the people that we are close to as a way of justifying disconnecting, when instead, we can connect.
Checking out of relationships is becoming more and more prevalent and excusable. It becomes easy when we make comments like:
- He’s narcissistic.
- She’s abusive.
- He’s gaslighting.
- She’s controlling.
- He’s projecting.
- She’s dark.
- He’s toxic.
- She’s troubled.
When we levy these seemingly powerful phrases at someone, it seems we feel justified in casting these individuals aside or dismissing whatever they are presenting as important. We make it clear they are not worth our time and effort and we check out.
Getting Beneath the Surface Through Conversation
I was recently working with a couple and during the session one partner spoke of the other and said they are dark. My understanding of this statement was that they were accusing the partner of being sinister, mean or no fun to be around. The speaking partner seemed confident in their conclusion, as if the matter was settled. Their face seemed to say checkmate.
The speaking partner seemed to believe their partner’s ‘darkness’ was the root of the problem. However, I didn’t believe the conversation was over. In fact, it was really just getting good.
“How do you, as a partner, do your best job working with someone who you perceive as ‘dark’?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I pray for them.”
“Is that it?”
“What else can I do?”
“Does your question mean that you don’t know how to deal with someone who is dark?”
They replied, “I guess that’s safe to say.”
I asked, “What do you do when you don’t know how to do something?”
“It depends on if I care about what I don’t know.”
“Ok. Do you care about working with your partner effectively or lovingly?”
“Yeah.”
We were getting somewhere.
“Given that you care, what do you do when you don’t know how to do something that you care about or that matters to you?”
“I research how to do it.”
“Exactly. And then, hopefully, you learn how to do it through implementation and practice of that new skill or understanding.”
This seemed to be a tough conversation to have with a person who appeared confident in their conclusion about their partner. Yet it was important. It was important because I was being asked for support. It was also important because there was so much more to be investigated after calling a partner dark.
Investing Effort and Curiosity in Our Relationships
Too often, we invest more energy in finding reasons to turn away from our partner than in working to understand or support them. What is not prevalent is an investment in working with individuals and partners who display unwanted traits. There doesn’t even seem to be a curiosity about what those engagement skills are or may be. There also doesn’t seem to be a curiosity related to the deep service that we can do for our partner and our relationship if our abilities are investigated and subsequently improved.
The worst lapse is the lack of comprehension that we may be wrong about our conclusions. This is possible because we are human. Yes, we may be wrong about labeling our partner as narcissistic, abusive, or gaslighting. If we are wrong, what does that say about us?
Work to Understand Your Partner and Yourself
If we must diagnose our partner’s troubling traits and behaviors, let’s do so with an interest in being better partners. Let’s do it with an interest in researching how to be in a healthy relationship with someone who may be troubled, as you see it. But let’s do this only after a long and sincere investigation into why we are interested in diagnosing them and what that may say about us.
For example, we may google the phrase “How do I know if my partner is a narcissist?” But we won’t go deeper and search “Why is it important to me to label my partner as a narcissist?” or “What if I am wrong about labeling my partner a narcissist?” or “How can I be a good partner to someone who is a narcissist?”
Thus far, we have only been discussing the issue as if one partner is doing the labeling. Imagine the devastation on the partnership and relationship if both partners are labeling. “You’re narcissistic.” “Well, you’re abusive.” It can be an overwhelmingly heavy burden that both parties must presumably survive, and hopefully resolve.
Seek to Connect Rather Than Turn Away
Moving forward, let’s accept that we are all troubled. We are all struggling with some issue, some personality trait, or some challenge. Many times, we are invested in labeling our partner as a way of dismissing them instead of connecting with them. Connection doesn’t require a label. Connection requires curiosity and work.
The next time we’re tempted to label our partner, let’s pause and ask ourselves: “Am I labeling to connect or to dismiss?” Then, let’s consider what small steps we can take to bridge the gap instead of widening it. And that’s loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
In my next blog, “Showing Up,” I will share 10 tips for being more present in your relationship.
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
