BlogMy Reaction Is Not the Problem

Growth occurs when we are responsible for our actions—and reactions.

In my previous blog post, “Why Do (or Don’t) We Share Problems on Social Media?,” we talked about how understanding our motivations for posting on social media can help us determine if something is really worth sharing.

Let’s talk about responsibility.

This is one of those topics that continues to show up in our relationships, our social media feeds, our arguments, and our reflections. It deserves our attention—not once, but again and again.

Being Aware of Accountability

Recently, I read a meme that said:

Accountability is so important to me. Nobody’s perfect, but I know we’re not about to pretend that my reaction to your actions is the problem.

I read it twice. Because the point is made with a strong tone, I presumed that I missed something with the first read.

Ideally, we won’t ignore the behavior that is presumed to have triggered a given reaction. However, we also get to be honest with ourselves: Just because something or someone triggers us doesn’t make our reaction exempt from accountability.

Being Responsible for Our Reactions

Here’s where it gets tricky.

Sometimes we think we have a free pass to say or do anything we want in response to someone else’s behavior—especially if we believe that behavior was wrong, offensive, or disrespectful. We think: Well, if they hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have said this. Or They started it, so I’m just finishing it.

But let’s zoom out.

What if we’re all reacting? What if the person you’re reacting to is reacting to you? Or reacting to something else entirely—some stress, pain, or insecurity you know nothing about? In many of our interactions, it’s not just a matter of one person acting and the other reacting. More often, it’s two people both responding to energy, history, perception, and emotion—and neither fully aware of the other’s internal world (or their own).

If you’re reacting to me and I’m reacting to you and we both feel justified in our responses, what we end up with is a vicious cycle. A cycle of blame, hurt feelings, escalating words and actions, and no clear resolution, responsibility, or accountability. Each of us feels entitled to our reaction because of what the other person did.

We are all responsible for our own reactions. Every single one of them. No exceptions.

An Opportunity to Reflect

This doesn’t mean we don’t get triggered. We do. We’re human. And sometimes in the heat of the moment, we say things we wish we hadn’t or we raise our voices or we storm out. This happens. But once the moment passes, and we’re no longer in fight-or-flight mode, we have an opportunity. We have a chance to reflect on what just happened—not just what they did, but how we responded.

That’s where growth occurs.

A growth response says: “Okay, I was upset. I felt disrespected. I got triggered. Now let me look at why I have that sensitivity. Let me explore how I responded. And let me ask myself: Could I have handled that differently?”

This is not about blame. It’s about self-awareness. It’s about breaking the cycle.

Victimhood

When we convince ourselves that our reaction is always or persistently someone else’s fault, we lose a form of power. We give away our agency. We tell ourselves we are victims to other people’s behavior. We can embody a different type of power. Power that says we are responsible, powerful beings. We have the ability to pause, reflect, and respond instead of react. It’s not always easy. But it is always possible—especially when we commit to accountability.

If we are interested in this type of power, we don’t get to say whatever we want, do whatever we want, or justify our actions just because someone else started it. I’m not here to tell you how to react. But I am telling you that your reaction is not, by default, someone else’s responsibility.

Let’s do the work. Let’s be honest with ourselves. And let’s remember: Being triggered is part of life—but being accountable is part of growth.

Let’s break the cycle.

In my next blog, “Call Your Grandparents: A Simple Gesture That Means the World,” I will look at how encouraging children to connect with elders today can lead to stronger family bonds tomorrow.

Watch my video My Reaction Is Not the Problem Related to this blog.

Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”

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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.

• Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
• Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships

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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.