Normalizing a deep love grounded in consistency and safety.
In my previous blog post, “Supporting a Friend Without Making an Enemy,” we looked at how to bolster our friends and show love while remaining neutral on their problematic relationship.
Many young people have a particular idea about what love means. It’s shallow and often transactional. There’s other kinds of love out there, like a father’s love.
Years ago, I was in conversation with a sister and she said something that’s stuck with me. I asked her what she looked for in a partner, and without hesitation she replied, “That he loves me like my father.”
That statement stopped me in my tracks. It was tender, powerful, and incredibly revealing. She didn’t seem to be talking about a romantic kind of love or anything rooted in desire or attraction. She seemed to be talking about something deeper. Something quieter. A kind of love that is comforting, calming, and enduring. The kind of love that simply is. Always present. Always steady.
The Essence of a Father’s Love
When I reflect on what a father’s love can be, at its best, I think of loyalty, protection, and unwavering support. It’s healthy and grounded. It’s given freely, generously. It says, “I’m with you, and there’s nothing you can do that will make me leave your side.” It doesn’t say, “I’ll love you as long as you do what I like.” Or, “You have to earn my love every day.”
We get to have more of the noted fatherly love in our relationships. Not just between parents and children, but in our romantic partnerships too.
Love Is Not a Transaction
Too often, we’re taught to view love transactionally. Relationships can be and are transactional. Love isn’t. We build relationships around fairness and balance, 50/50 splits, and tit-for-tat mindsets. And while balance and contribution are important, scorekeeping can choke the life out of love. When we’re calculating—Am I doing too much? Are you doing enough?—we’re not loving. We’re evaluating.
A father’s love doesn’t keep score.
That’s why the sister’s words hit me so deeply. She was mentioning a level of giving that we don’t always know how to give. She was asking for security, consistency and devotion that doesn’t come with a list of conditions.
Loving Without Conditions
In many of my speaking engagements, I tell the audience that I love and am with my wife no matter what she does. Yes, not only do I love her, I’m with her. No matter what. I say this not as some dramatic gesture but as a declaration of the kind of love I want to embody: The kind of love that doesn’t shift. The kind of love that that is not fragile or fickle. The kind of love that that lets someone be wrong and imperfect while feeling safe.
I want my wife to feel that kind of love.
George Wallace’s Loving Philosophy
Comedian George Wallace used to close his sets with that very line: “I love you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.” That might be one of the most beautiful expressions of commitment I’ve ever heard. It’s what I want in my relationship. This seems to be what that sister wanted. And I believe it’s what many of us are craving, whether we’ve put words to it or not.
A Deeper Love Doesn’t Ignore the Hard Stuff
The noted love isn’t blind. It doesn’t mean we ignore pain or sweep problems under the rug. It doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment. What it does mean is anchoring our relationship in something deeper than circumstance or transaction. It means staying present, even when things are hard; offering grace, even when it’s not easy; and loving like a father—steadily and faithfully, without keeping receipts.
Bringing Fatherly Love into Your Relationship
What if we all embraced embodying the “father’s love”? What would our relationships look like if we let go of the ledgers and just . . . loved? What if we stopped asking, “What have you done for me lately?” and started saying, “I’m here. Period.” It may be uncomfortable, as it requires vulnerability; and almost by definition it leaves us open to be taken advantage of. And that’s alright. Because the only way to have two people who are trusting. forgiving and understanding in a two-person relationship, is to be one of them,
Final Thoughts
To every brother, consider loving her like her father. Or, if she never had that kind of father, love her like the father she could have had. Not perfectly. Not flawlessly. But faithfully.
Let’s let our partner know, truly know, that we are with them. That they are safe with us. That even in their worst moments, they are not alone.
Let’s normalize that kind of love.
In my next blog, “My Father Didn’t Drink,” I will discuss being present and intentional in the examples we set for our daughters.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
Watch my video Love Me Like My Father Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
