Thoughtfully choosing words supports a loving relationship
At times, I surprise myself with how sensitive I am becoming with my word choices. In the recent past, I published the blog “It’s Not Petty.” It’s a reflection on the importance of being respectful of how we view and categorize our partner and what they say to us.
Trivializing with Insensitive Word Choices
Along similar lines, I have recently developed a new sensitivity. A bell went off (for me) as I worked with a couple who was navigating an array of challenges. As they talked, one partner said to the other, “Why is that such a big deal?”
As I experienced their interaction, I sensed that the question was meant to trivialize the concern that had been expressed. If you have been reading Frank Love over time, you are probably aware that trivializing our partner and what they have to say is not something I am a fan of. Instead, we get to be respectful of what our partner has to say and cares about at all times—even when we are repeating ourselves., even when their perspective seems preposterous, even when we disagree.
With that understanding in mind, it may be easy to see how the question “Why is that such a big deal?” may raise my ire. But it wasn’t just that set of words that I found myself thinking about. There are similar phrases I also have used in the past, such as:
- Who cares?
- Why does it matter?
- What difference does it make?
These questions are not inherently bad. However, they all can be perceived as insensitive.
Making Affirming Word Choices
A funny thing about sensitivity is that it does not automatically mean that we are going to be gentle in the way that we respond to a situation. It does mean that we are paying attention to the related nuances. Many warriors are sensitive to the weaknesses in their opponents and then exploit them in order to exact a defeat on them. This is also sensitivity.
And when operating within an environment where being crass, harsh, and blunt is socially acceptable, there may be no problem. Imagine being a contestant on Shark Tank and one of the sharks (investors) asks, “Who cares about this problem that your product supposedly solves?” This is a harsh question. It is also a question that must be answered.
The challenge with the aforementioned questions is that when using them, there is a strong propensity that the person we are talking to will be off-put and maybe insulted, particularly when the parties are in a relationship. And it is not healthy, optimal, or necessary to trigger one another unnecessarily. Instead of unnecessarily triggering, we get to be affirming. When we affirm our partner, we reiterate that what they feel strongly about matters to us.
Thoughtful Rephrasing
After watching the noted partners interact, I had a side-session with the partner who asked, “Why is that such a big deal?” I noted that it was important to at least be aware of the potential impact of our words and phrasings. I asked if rephrasing the question to, “Why do you believe that to be important?” might land much more respectfully compared to the “big deal” question. The partner agreed, and we concluded the side-session.
Afterward, I reflected on better ways that I could have and can rephrase the other questions I mentioned. This is what I came up with:
- Who cares? rephrased as Please tell me about other people that may share your sentiment.
- Why does it matter? rephrased as Why do you believe that to be important?
- What difference does it make? rephrased as What do you foresee the impact of handling this matter will be if we do it one way versus the other?
As far as I can tell, and I welcome your feedback in the comments, my suggested questions get the parties to and through the same place as the more brash question may explore. They are simply less harsh.
Advocating for Caring Word Choices
As I considered how I may have responded if asked by my wife, “What’s the big deal?,” I suspect that my response may have been, “You can ask me ‘Why is that important to you?’ but I will not respond to ‘What’s the big deal?’”
Moving forward, I continue to advocate for caring word choices. Word choices that remind ourselves and our partners that they are important. It’s certainly a powerful step toward the creation of a loving culture in our relationships.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
Subscribe to receive Frank’s weekly blog.
Become a sponsor of Frank Love and his work creating a loving cultures in our relationships with a monthly contribution of as little as $2. Sign up today at Patreon,com/FrankLove.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.