Focusing on delivering value rather than receiving reward will make for a more fulfilling loving relationship.
In my previous blog post, “Relationships Are Transactional—God,” we talked about the back and forth nature of our relationship with God.
Relationships are transactional. We are in them because we get something out of them, and in a perpetually functioning relationship, we also give. The way I regularly phrase this dynamic is: Our primary obligation when we are in a relationship is to take care of one another. We are servants and recipients of value.
In the previous paragraph, I said the same thing in several diverse ways; yet, if you are anything like me, each of those phrases resonates a little differently. They use varying degrees of candor; perhaps some of them challenge concepts of romanticism by acknowledging the transactional quality in relationships. If we acknowledge that relationships are transactional, how do we manage this transactional nature? Do we spend time counting and measuring the balance of the servant/recipient value? Do we act as though there is nothing we want out of our relationship? Do we create a checklist and keep a tally of what we are giving and getting?
Start with Service
To address and manage the transactional nature of our relationship, we get to serve. It is not suggested that being served is not substantially valuable. After all, remember, relationships are transactional. However, the way to effectively begin the servant/recipient relationship in a way that says you are not strictly concerned about yourself is to serve your partner first.
Why is the emphasis on service instead of both serving and receiving? Service is of particular importance in a relationship because it goes hand in hand with going first. Going first is when we see an area for growth in our relationship (usually in the way our partner deals with us) and we first take conscious steps to make improvements in the way we deal with our partner in that area before we ask or request they change the way they deal with us. Going first is important because:
- It is a way we demonstrate seriousness to our relationship and our partner. We establish a tone of self-improvement. We check ourselves before we check someone else.
- Our partner deserves to be taken care of.
- It eliminates waiting. When we go first, we do not have the option (or the philosophy) that sanctions or justifies waiting on our partner to make improvements in our relationship.
Service is a way of giving before we receive. It is also a way we keep our partner in the forefront of everything that we do. Service is paramount.
Receiving Does Not Come Before Giving
All other things being the same, imagine a person standing on a corner with a sign, “Need $5;” on the opposite corner a person has a sign that says “Giving $5.” The person who is offering $5 will probably attract more attention than the person who wants $5.
But instead of a focus on service, we often see a focus on immediate gratification in a manner that consistently and persistently asks, “What have you done for me lately?” The Janet Jackson song with the same chorus is about forty years old, and I suspect it was not a new question when the song was released. People are asking the same question repeatedly today, and it is done so in a more and more in-your-face manner each day.
- If I give you this, what are you going to give me?
- What do I get out of it?
- How can you make this worth my while?
Focus on Delivering Value to Your Partner
These are all legitimate questions. Perhaps we are trying to make sure our partner is not taking advantage of us. But each of us gets to interact with our partner as though we are propelled into service by what we know to be valuable to our partner, not in satisfying a quid pro quo scenario.
When we focus on immediate gratification or on forcing equality—when we focus on the math and on making sure the transactions add up—we lose the beauty that comes with creative service and with paying attention to our partner.
Moving forward, while being clear that relationships are transactional at some level, let’s also focus on service—not on balancing a score card or making sure we are not giving more than our partner. When we focus on service, the relationship remains transactional, yet we can be sure we have already given and done our part.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
