The Power of the Pause
If you are anything like me, you have found yourself in a heated conversation with your partner where the conversation is going nowhere productive. We may find that instead of listening to each other, one or both partners trying to figure out how to make their partner wrong.
There is little to no empathy unfolding. There is minimal, if any, demonstration of care, and the underlying problem is so buried underneath the insults, pain, and discord that it simply cannot be addressed within this iteration of banter.
A similar conversation may sound something like:
Partner 1: Would you remember to close the refrigerator door?
Partner 2: Why are you asking me to close the refrigerator? You leave it open all the time.
Partner 1: Does that mean you aren’t going to close the refrigerator door?
Partner 2: It means leave me alone.
In addition to digesting the words between these two partners, consider the environment the conversation unfolded in, how quickly one partner responded to the other, and whether anyone was listening or felt heard or understood.
Again, as noted, I have had conversations of this nature with my wife. And one of the tools that became important for me to use was “the pause.”
I am not talking about the use of the word pause that young people (and older) are using these. Their use, as far as I can tell, somehow protects them from perceptions of being gay or homosexual after saying a phrase that may be taken or understood to be unmanly. I am referring to each of us taking a literal pause—a 10-second break between our partner’s last words and our response.
I have watched partners—I have been the partner—who, if they are not talking over and interrupting the other, are responding or reacting to whatever their partner says as soon as the partner stops talking.
We are so wedded to speaking and making our point that even the semblance of digesting and considering the importance and value of whatever was just said to us is abandoned. There is a battle afoot, and we have to win. There is no love or consideration being demonstrated.
Instead of continually being a part of a dysfunctional conversation, I offer that when our partner stops talking and sharing whatever they are compelled to present, we take a deep breath and 10 seconds to:
- Calm ourself.
- Replay to ourself the important point(s) our partner has attempted to share.
- Give our partner the impression that we are listening and care about what they have shared.
Escalation is relatively easy. Most of us do not find it challenging to fight when we feel attacked. We often pride ourself on our ability to speak up and take up for ourself. The hero in the movies and on television doesn’t take any stuff.
De-escalation, in our society, appears to be much more of a challenge. Not fighting and calming a potentially volatile interaction is rarely celebrated in the movies or on television. However, in a loving relationship, and in a relationship where a loving culture is valued by at least one party, de-escalation is critical to the long-term health of a relationship.
Couples can escalate matters indefinitely. Couples can also de-escalate issues ad infinitum.
Instead of almost instinctively positioning ourself to say whatever we want as soon as we can, let’s not. Instead, let’s understand the destructive nature of responding to our partner with fire and instead present a tranquil breeze.
Let’s replay the above conversation again. This time with the pause.
Partner 1: Would you remember to close the refrigerator door?
Partner 2: Take a deep breath, then pause (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,1).
(I would find it hard and maybe impossible to respond, as previous noted, with, “Why are you asking me to close the refrigerator? You leave it open all of the time.” Instead, I would feel more compelled to say something similar to a recap.)
Yes.
Partner 1: Take a deep breath, then pause (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,1).
Thank you.
Partner 2: Take a deep breath, then pause (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,1).
Of course.
It is not suggested that taking a pause will be easy and that it may not seem contrived at first. However, it is suggested that the effort will be valuable to the longevity and well-being of our relationship.
Moving forward, let’s check our response times. Let’s take 10 seconds to calm ourselves, digest the message, and care about our partner and what they are sharing. There is certainly power in the pause.
Keep rising,
Frank Love
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
