Taking responsibility for our emotions rather than blaming one person for how we feel.
In my previous blog post, “You Are the Problem,” we looked at taking accountability for our role in faulty communication.
There’s a nuanced and essential conversation that gets to be had—one that many people grapple with in their relationships. A friend recently sent me a couple of short videos that emphasize the importance of men listening to their women when they express pain. The core message of these videos was that men should not deflect or dismiss their partner’s pain by saying, “I’m not causing you pain,” or “You’re causing yourself pain.” Instead, they should listen and acknowledge their partner’s feelings.
Check out these videos for reference:
While this sentiment is widely accepted, I want to dig deeper into the concept of emotional responsibility.
There is also a video that came up in my feed that seems to contradict the previous two videos. Check that one out to:
Emotional Responsibility: No One Makes Us Feel a Certain Way
I understand this may be a controversial perspective. Let’s unpack it. The way we feel is a complex result of multiple factors—past experiences, upbringing, personality, previous relationships, our current state of mind, and undoubtedly other factors. These elements shape how we process and respond to situations, including the actions of others.
Consider the analogy of heat. If you step outside and feel hot, is it solely because of the sun? Not necessarily. There are multiple contributing factors: the clothes you are wearing, your personal tolerance for heat, the presence of shade, and your choice to go outside in the first place. The sun is simply one of many elements in the equation. The sun didn’t make you hot.
Similarly, when we experience emotional pain in response to someone’s actions, it’s not solely because of that person. There are numerous underlying factors contributing to our reaction. Recognizing this helps us move away from blame and toward self-awareness, emotional ownership, and possibly growth.
The Role of “I” Statements in Communication
One of the most effective ways to foster healthy communication in relationships is by using “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You made me feel bad,” we can say, “I feel bad.” Instead of, “You made me jealous,” we can say, “I feel jealous when this happens.” This shift removes blame and fosters personal accountability, leading to more constructive conversations. The alternative casts blame and often leads to defensiveness and arguments, making meaningful discussions difficult.
When someone feels attacked, they are more likely to respond with denial or counteraccusations. “I” statements, on the other hand, allow us to express our emotions without assigning fault, often creating a space for open dialogue.
Breaking Free from the Blame Cycle
Understanding that no one else is responsible for our emotions does not mean that others’ actions have no impact on us. It simply means that our reactions are influenced by a combination of external and internal factors. By acknowledging this, we empower ourselves to manage our emotions more effectively rather than depending on others to change for our emotional well-being.
If you step outside and feel hot, blaming the sun won’t change anything. Instead, you have the power to take action—seek shade, wear lighter clothing, or drink water. Similarly, when we feel negative emotions in a relationship, we can take proactive steps to address them rather than waiting for the other person to change.
Shifting Our Perspective for Healthier Relationships
When we shift from a blame-focused mindset to one of emotional ownership, we can improve the quality of our relationships. Rather than demanding that others change so we can feel better, we take charge of our own well-being. This approach fosters greater self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and, ultimately, stronger connections.
Imagine a relationship where both partners take responsibility for their emotions. Instead of accusing one another, they communicate openly about how they feel and work together to find solutions. They support each other’s growth without expecting the other person to be the sole source of their happiness. This type of dynamic can create a deep sense of trust and understanding.
Finding Freedom in Responsibility
This concept is not about invalidating feelings but about understanding them. When we are responsible for our emotions, we can free ourselves and the people in our lives from the cycle of blame. It is my hope that a space for genuine connection and growth ensues.
As you reflect on this perspective, consider how taking responsibility for your emotions can positively impact your relationships. In the future, I’ll explore the topic of blame even further. Until then, I hope this resonates with you and contributes positively to your relationships.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
In my next blog, “The Travel Drug: When Wanderlust Becomes Escapism,” I will discuss how looking closely at why we travel can help us check in on the state of our everyday lives.
In my next blog, “Word Choice: Being Constructive, Not Destructive,” I will talk about intentionally choosing how we speak to our partner to help us build relationships rooted in respect, kindness, and integrity.
Watch my video No one can make us feel bad Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
