Intentionally choosing how we speak to our partner builds a relationship rooted in respect, kindness, and integrity.
In my previous blog post, “No One Makes You Feel Bad,” we discussed taking responsibility for our emotions rather than blaming someone for how we feel.
It takes the same amount of energy to say, “Thank you,” as it does to say, “Fu¢l< you.”
About five years ago, I witnessed a seemingly troublesome dynamic. One co-parent openly criticized the other in front of their child. And then, just a little later, I saw the child repeat the criticism, word for word.
Even when we feel our partner is falling short, even when they don’t do things the way we want them to, we don’t have a legitimate excuse to treat them poorly. It takes the same energy to treat them poorly as it does to treat them with respect and appreciation.
Imagine if that parent had said instead, “You are working hard.” Imagine if, rather than burdening their child (and themself) with negativity and criticism, they presented respect and gratitude.
No Excuses for Shabby Partner Treatment
Too often, we look for excuses to justify why we might treat our co-parent or partner poorly. They didn’t do this. They didn’t do that. They are not doing this. They are not doing that. However, I have seen nothing productive come from dealing with people as though they are failing or failures.
Admittedly, there are people who are motivated by being told they’re falling short. That approach works with them because they respect and trust the person delivering the message. That person usually has credibility. But if you or I start criticizing our partner without said permission and credibility, we’re not helping, we are damaging—we’re wasting time and misusing energy.
Partners Deserve Our Patience and Grace
Some may frown and ask, “Does this mean I should just accept any behavior from my partner or co-parent?” No. Egregious behavior should not simply be accepted. However, the caveat is that the presumed point in dating is to weed out the people we think may act egregiously. There is no way we are going to weed out everyone or find the perfect partner. However, once we decide who to marry or have a child with, we owe our partner—and more importantly, ourselves—patience and grace. We picked our partner. We each had that power to choose whom we wanted to be with. Presumably, our partner matters to us, and so we get to treat them as such.
Words Shape Our Relationship Experience
We get to be mindful of our words and the energy we bring into our relationships.
Words have power. They shape our experiences, our emotions, and our relationships. They can build up or tear down. They can inspire or wound. And for those of us who are raising children, our words also shape how they view love, conflict, and respect. When they hear us belittle or criticize our partner, they internalize those patterns. They learn that it’s normal to speak negatively about the people closest to us. But we have a choice. We can break that cycle.
Instead of using words to divide, we can use them to bring our families closer together. Instead of reinforcing negativity, we can reinforce appreciation. We can choose to say, “I see you. I value you.” Even in frustration, we can find a way to communicate with respect.
And let’s not forget—this goes beyond just romantic relationships. How we talk about our colleagues, our friends, our family members—it all matters. The energy we bring to those interactions shapes the dynamics we create. If we default to criticism, our relationships will feel strained. If we default to gratitude, our relationships will feel strong.
Start Choosing Constructive Over Destructive
This isn’t to say we should ignore real issues. If something needs to be addressed, it should be. But there’s a difference between offering constructive feedback and tearing someone down. There’s a difference between calling someone out and calling them in.
So here’s a challenge for you: for the next week, be intentional about your words. Every time you’re about to complain about someone, ask yourself: Can I say this in a way that is constructive instead of destructive? Can I focus on what I appreciate rather than what frustrates me? Notice how it changes the way you feel and notice how it changes the way others respond to you.
Digest that and let me know your thoughts in the comments. I look forward to hearing them.
Let’s build relationships that are rooted in respect, kindness, and appreciation. Let’s use our words wisely. And that’s loving.
Watch my video Word Choice: Being Constructive, Not Destructive Related to this blog.
Watch Frank Love’s presentation “The Act of Caring.”
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
