Partner input and support can help us overcome our self-imposed obstacles.
In my previous blog, “My Pops Won’t Leave Me Alone,” we discussed looking back to our parents for positive examples of how to parent.
I have blocks. Blocks are issues and actions that I have trouble getting around. Another way to express this is, “I get stuck”. Places where I get stuck may seem simple or trivial to you (and potentially most). However, I genuinely struggle to address these blocks.
Our Personal Blocks Sometimes Impact Others
I am often stuck when it comes to doing things early. I typically wait until a given deadline to act. When I get to my desk, I often get stuck handling menial tasks, like scanning receipts, instead of writing my blogs—fully knowing that my writing is the priority.
I also get stuck in what I consider to be a “gas pattern.” I live very close to a gas station. If I come home and my gas tank is empty, I will usually park and go into the house. My plan will be to get gas in the morning when I am leaving. This is my plan even though I know, when I leave the house next, I will invariably have something to do or someplace to be at a specified time, and I won’t be thinking about getting gas as I get into the car. Then I’ll see the gas light and say to myself, “Shucks. I have to stop and get gas. That is going to make me late.” Go figure. I’m admitting it’s my challenge.
I understand my faulty reasoning. When I arrive home most days, time isn’t an issue. I have plenty of it. Whatever I have going on that day until I get home is time-related or -constrained and is usually behind me. Now I’m unwinding. Given my pattern, it would make the most sense for me to get gas when I arrive home. But I persistently do the same knuckleheaded actions. I park and go in the house . . . deferring getting gas until the following day.
My examples of being stuck primarily affect me. That doesn’t excuse the importance of me working on them. But I usually am not inconveniencing someone else after “stuck” opportunities unfold; no one else may even notice. This is not always the case though. When others notice or, particularly, when others are directly affected, they may voice a concern.
Partner Input Can Inspire Introspection
Recently, I told my wife I was committed to getting out of the house every morning to take my daughter to school no later than 7:30 a.m. I was getting out of the house much later than that and was stuck in a pattern of getting her to school late. After making this commitment, little changed. I still ran behind over the course of three consecutive days. The missus could have said, “You lied to me. You said you’d leave by 7:30 a.m. each day.” She didn’t. She could have said, “You are really screwing up, and you aren’t doing what you said you would do.” She didn’t. She could have said, “You can’t seem to get yourself together.” She didn’t.
Instead she said, “What’s the block? What is stopping you from doing what you committed to doing?” She went on, “Is there anything I can do to help you to get past or around your block?”
These questions were beautiful and heartwarming, and they inspired introspection that I was happy to experience.
Building a Plan to Overcome Personal Blocks
Her questions motivated me to check in, look at my patterns, and make a few assessments of the help that I think would lead to my success. Here is what I came up with:
- Eliminate sleep deprivation: I was not getting enough sleep. I asked my wife to bug me at night to make sure I get to bed by midnight.
- Make my daughter a partner in her own timeliness: I was potentially enabling my daughter. In the mornings, I would hound her to meet the deadlines she needed to meet. I would wake her up and do a countdown until it was time for her to get into the car. A new strategy was warranted or at least worth experimenting with. Moving forward, I would get her an alarm clock, and she would have to wake up on her own. When it was time to be in the car, I would simply get in the car. I would not tell my daughter to get in the car or remind her to do so. I asked my wife to help me follow through with these commitments.
- Get gas at night: The third request for help was kind of a bonus, as it had not specifically affected me taking my daughter to school, but I have already mentioned it . . . I asked my wife to remind me to fill up with gas in the evenings instead of the mornings.
My wife agreed to support me in all three capacities.]
Positioning Ourselves to Best Make a Difference
Everyone isn’t willing to be asked about their blocks. Everyone isn’t open to being introspective. There is something to be said for those of us who are.
Everyone isn’t interested in our blocks. Everyone isn’t invested in helping us get past them. There is something to be said for those of us who are.
We can all make a difference in one another’s lives. At times for the better. At times for the worse. As noted in the blog, “The Beauty of Hypocrisy,” there are times when our partner is stuck and is calling out for our assistance, though not directly asking. Are we positioning ourselves to give it to them? Or are we better suited to only be heavy-handed? What is the loving thing for us to do?
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
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Each week, Frank Love hosts Zoom support group meetings that assist women and men as we work to create a loving culture in our relationships. Calls occur from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. EST and can be accessed by visiting FrankWeeklyCall.com.
- Tuesdays – Black Women: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
- Thursdays – Black Men: Creating a Loving Culture in Our Relationships
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Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship toward creating a loving culture in their family. He is also the author of Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway) and 25 Ways to Be Loving. To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
